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to tell my bff to ltb?

(4 Posts)
AcrossthePond55 Sat 30-May-15 19:12:35

My first AIBU, sorry it's a long one. No need to be gentle, I can take it!

My BFF is married to my DH's BFF. DH's BFF (I'll call him Bob) is an alcoholic. He's also a wonderful guy & a great husband when he isn't drinking. Bob literally saved my DH's life and I will be externally grateful. The four of us have wonderful times when Bob isn't drinking. Even DH doesn't want to be around Bob anymore when he's drunk and DH enjoys a good beer buzz himself.

Bob's a pure bastard to BFF & their 19 yr old son (but not their 13 hr old daughter) when he's drinking. BFF (I'll call her Donna) is a wonderful woman, but not good with money which is a HUGE bone of contention. She and I take a yearly vacation together to pursue a hobby that we love and share. Our hobby trips are also somewhat expensive (their hobby is less so, but the trips still cost & their equipment is very expensive initially). Donna has put parts of her trip costs on credit and doesn't tell him up front which I agree isn't right. When Bob finds out it results in drunken abuse and antics. Regardless of her money mismanagement, there is no excuse for his EA, his disappearing for days, drunk calls & texts, and (I strongly suspect) physical abuse. Yet Bob spends large amounts of money on his hobbies and thinks that's fine. The only difference is that she has charged and he has paid cash. They have separate accounts and he makes at least twice what she does. He usually finds out because joint funds have to be used to pay her debt off.

Bob's also selfish in that he thinks he needs to be the centre of Donna's attention and he seems to resent any fun she has without him. Our yearly trips always seems to end up with Bob drunk (at home) calling/texting multiple times a day (and night!) with the messages that degenerate to drunken abuse and threats of self harm until she has to turn off her phone. Contrast this with the fact that DH and Bob share a sport that takes them off for the weekends at various times during the year to participate in it. Donna and I wave them off each time and don't resent it one iota.

I will also say that Donna countermands Bob time and again with their DCs, which, again, isn't right. DH and I had the same problem in the past. But that's no excuse for Bob going off the rails.

DH has talked to him repeatedly about what alcohol is doing to him (he has underlying health issues that are exacerbated by drink) but refuses to get involved in the marital issues and the way Bob treats Donna, other than to tell Bob that perhaps they should go to marital counseling (Bob won't). DH says that their marital problems are none of our business. I, on the other hand, could give a rat's ass at this point about Bob drinking himself to death. He's a big boy, he needs to take responsibility for his own actions. My concern is for Donna and the children. As a result, when she says 'I don't know why I'm here' and 'how much more of this do I have to take' I tell her that I think she's taken enough and needs to think seriously about her future. I encourage her to go to counseling without him, which DH agrees with. But DH says I should just stay out of their problems and not offer her specific advice that may lead her to leaving him.

DH thinks that because we are 'all friends together' that we need to stay 'neutral' and not involve ourselves in their problems other than to suggest counseling. He says that they're both adults and need to figure it out for themselves. He does say that Donna should 'probably' leave Bob but it's not for us to say it to her. I guess I should add that one of Bob's other 'hobbies' is firearms. He has sat in another room off the main hallway drunk and clicked and spun the chamber loudly and told her that if she's leaving (she had packed a bag and was going to another friend's house) she better do it running. DH says I'm being ridiculous when I say that I fear he'll shoot her in a drunken rage, that he would never do that.

Should I butt out other than say 'go to counseling'? AIBU to 'stick my nose it where it doesn't belong'?

esiotrot2015 Sat 30-May-15 19:23:16

I'm sorry but I agree with your dh to stay out of it unless you think the children are in danger although you only mention a 19 year old which isn't a child ?
If actual children are in danger is call social services

TheWintersmith Sat 30-May-15 19:28:24

Fucking hell

Given that incident with the gun, I'd be calling the police with a view to getting his FAC revoked.

And possibly direct Donna to the relationships board where EVERYONE will tell her to LTB.

AcrossthePond55 Sat 30-May-15 20:09:42

Winter Don't know what an FAC is. I'm in the US and his guns are legal and registered here. The police have been called on him but nothing ever happens as there's never any evidence of physical abuse. Even when the police are told by their son what he's said/done, Donna won't say that she feels 'in danger'. The police just tell him to leave and sober up and that "they'd better not have to come out again tonight".

esiotrot they have a 19 yr old son and 13 yr old daughter. The DD has him figured out and pretty much knows how to deal with him when he's drunk so he doesn't turn on her. He never threatens her or abuses her, although she's I'm sure she's seen and heard plenty. The DS is another story. Bob can be really mean and demeaning to him. I think that his mother is the only reason he hasn't beat the shit out of Bob.

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