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to think this is the final straw re MIL and SIL

(24 Posts)
violetandroses Fri 29-May-15 16:12:43

MIL has always been a very difficult person to get on with - cold, critical and indifferent to our dc. SIL is false - pretends she wants to see us/have a relationship but when push comes to shove never commits to meeting up and never phones. Despite this we have maintained a relationship with them both mainly because DH feels too guilty not to. However, it is always DH who does the phoning and so on. MIL and SIL are close. Last week I was in a car crash. It was very traumatic. I was badly shaken, battered and bruised and broke my ankle. This week has been very hard looking after dc, feeling shaken and tearful and in pain. DH is very busy at work and connot take time off. Despite knowing about my accident my IL's have not phoned once to see how I am, how we are coping. I know my emotions are currently heightened but this has hurt me so much that I feel like having nothing to do with them ever again and letting them know how much they have upset me. WWYD?

Reekypear Fri 29-May-15 16:17:20

Forget it, you will be talking to a brick wall. I know i have it with my own family and in laws. You need to have zero expectations, and get on with it.

When we meet I just smile and wave, and often a bit of Devils advocate for

You can't make people give a a shit. They will or they won't. C'est la vie.

QuiteLikely5 Fri 29-May-15 16:17:36

I'm not surprised you feel this way. My own ILs are similar to yours.

I keep my distance, I've learned to expect absolutely nothing, ever.

If I have to see them I keep conversation light and tell them nothing personal.

It's not the way I would have liked things but I have accepted the way it is going to be.

QuiteLikely5 Fri 29-May-15 16:18:21

Oh and have some flowers

Charis1 Fri 29-May-15 16:20:44

forget it, it isn't their responsibility, or their problem.

You need a few good friends around. But they might not know you need them. Text a couple of friends and say you are feeling really lonely and upset, and can they visit?

Fatmomma99 Fri 29-May-15 16:25:01

Totally agree with every word Charis says, but I would also add flowers and cake So sorry about your accident.

GozerTheGozerian Fri 29-May-15 16:26:26

It's not worth it, truly. They won't change and they probably don't think they've done anything wrong.

My in laws were similar when I had a miscarriage - didn't ask how I was, acted as if it wasn't particularly important. That taught me more about them than anything else could have done. They are still in our life but I have learned to detach myself emotionally now - I expect nothing from them, and I am cordial when I need to be for DH and our children but I will never feel any warmth towards them and I don't have anything more than a surface relationship with them.

Do you need to have anything much to do with them again?

Duckdeamon Fri 29-May-15 16:32:48

Sorry about your accident. Could DH really not take any time off, or arrange temporary help? Did he directly ask his DM and sister for help? (Might they not know how bad it's been?

It sounds like you're not close to the in laws, and that they're not the type you can count on for "back up" so it's sad but not really surprising. In your shoes I would let DH decide how often to speak to and see them and be polite but not "make the effort" much IYsWIM.

QuiteLikely5 Fri 29-May-15 16:33:01

They are still in our life but I have learned to detach myself emotionally now - I expect nothing from them, and I am cordial when I need to be for DH and our children but I will never feel any warmth towards them and I don't have anything more than a surface relationship with them.

Yyy to ^^

Mellifera Fri 29-May-15 16:41:00

I would certainly keep my distance. If they don't care about you in times like this, I wouldn't want to socialise with them. Family is there for you when the going gets tough.

Agree with pp, gather friends round, as many as possible. You need TLC and someone to talk to.

BackforGood Fri 29-May-15 16:47:35

I'm inclined to agree with everyone else. I wouldn't bother saying anything. Just accept that you are never going to have a warm relationship with them, continue to be polite, and you won't have to ever feel guilty at not looking after them in old age.
Before we went through a difficult time, I used to make all sorts of excuses for my in laws.... just different from my parents / different expectations / etc.... but when they won't help you when you need it, it really clarifies things.

Anydrinkwilldo Fri 29-May-15 16:52:40

Sorry to hear about your accident, hope you'll be on the mend soon. Did your DH ask for help? He shouldn't have to but sometimes people need things pointing out. If I'm honest I'd leave them to themselves and surround yourself with b people you can support on. I hope you have some of those close by.

violetandroses Fri 29-May-15 16:53:50

Thanks for the lovely messages. I don't know what I'd have done without friends tbh - my parents live abroad but have been emotionally there. I just feel IL's have stooped to a new low - not even a phone call to pretend they care. I have always made an effort in the past and always been the one to keep things flowing smoothly when we do meet but shall only manage a surface relationship from now on which is not in my nature. We are supposed to all be going away for a few nights in the summer (so MIL can put on a show of pretending to her friends). Don't know how I will bare them.

catswag Fri 29-May-15 17:12:02

flowers op

to all the people that are indifferent to the inlaws, how do you honestly think you'll react when they are old and need help
like with drs hospitals etc

retrocutie Fri 29-May-15 17:16:40

It's because they don't care. I nearly died in childbirth, I was in ICU then got a bit better then was discharged. MIL's response to DH? "Oh, I'm so glad RC is out of hospital - so much better for you not having to do all that running around!".

And don't even get me started on SIL. We have been NC for 8 years because she wouldn't utter a small word: "sorry".

They don't give a shit. I have to accept that. You probably have to accept that, too.

Ohfourfoxache Fri 29-May-15 19:25:46

Same boat here too sad

Ds is 11 weeks old. He was in SCBU and all mil could do was exclaim how tired DH must have been and whinge about how inconvenient hospital visiting times were. Not that she got her fucking arse into gear and actually visited, you understand. No. That would have been too much effort. Never mind that her (least favourite) son and dil were in hospital with a newborn who wouldn't keep a feed down and had absolutely no supplies left whatsoever. All our clothes had been puked on and we had absolutely nothing left.

And yes, she has already made it clear that she expects DH and I to do the lions share of looking after when she and FIL need help.

No. Fucking. Way.

I also can barely even look at them. Which makes for rather interesting duty visits hmm

CPtart Fri 29-May-15 19:34:38

My IL's plan their holidays around when SIL and BIL take their holidays, so the childcare they provide for them isn't compromised. They don't even ask how DH and I will manage. We are left to muddle through using holiday clubs. Not even a consideration.
I hope SIL is aware she will be repaying all the help they've been given on tap over the years as PIL age. We most certainly will not.

Icimoi Fri 29-May-15 20:18:28

So sorry about your accident, OP. I hope your dh can take over this weekend.

You're absolutely right to decide it's no longer worth making the effort with them. This is totally cynical, but can you make some good come out of your accident by using it as a reason to cancel the summer jaunt? If they're taking so little interest, you could maybe get away with telling them it's a really complicated injury and there's no chance you'll be up to travelling before September at the earliest.

Ohfourfoxache Fri 29-May-15 20:46:58

Sometimes it really is a positive thing to get to that "final straw" moment - it can help you to realise that you really won't put up with any more shit.

Rainbunny Fri 29-May-15 21:21:34

I'm a bit surprised by this thread tbh. I guess I never assumed I would enter into a immediate "familial" relationship with the family of the man I married. We are all adults and we barely know each other. My inlaws are very nice but we have nothing in common and I certainly don't expect anything from them. I'm sure I am a cold fish in this respect but I do think having no expectations from the start is more reasonable and if a genuine familial relationship develops then great, if not never mind.

I'm very sorry for your accident, I know how much accidents can shake you up. I was injured in a car accident once while my DH was working/living 3000 miles away and my own family were 5000 miles away. I remember crying myself to sleep the first night home after leaving the hospital - Thank God for friends!

BackforGood Fri 29-May-15 23:25:47

catswag - I can't speak for anyone else, but I'll not be putting myself out for them. I wouldn't stop dh if he wanted to - that's up to him, but the people I will be accompanying to appts / doing shopping for / etc. will be the people who have 'been here' for us when we've been the ones needing support. Fortunately, there are many of them.

Fatmomma99 Fri 29-May-15 23:38:00

So many people on this thread have had horrid, horrid experiences. I don't blame any of you for doing what makes it ok for you.

I just feel sad that my DH's dad died before I met him, and my MIL developed horrid Alzheimers v soon after I met him, so the whole of his side of his family was lost to dd. And I'm sad I never got to develop a relationship with them. sad

catswag Fri 29-May-15 23:46:45

retrocutie, your mil sounds evil!

how nasty to say that when you nearly died

LondonRocks Sat 30-May-15 00:16:57

Sorry to hear about your accident flowers

Those bastards will get their comeuppance. I say it how it is now. Enough pandering! If people are rude and uncaring, that's exactly what they get now. I learned the hard way.

These people never change.

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