to think it's strange and actually rude of friend to invite more friends to meet-up without asking?

(50 Posts)
BluebCheesecake Fri 29-May-15 13:45:57

I arranged with a friend that I don't see often to meet at the park after school. Children play, we chat. She suggested a time, I said yes. No mention of other people that would be going. So I'm thinking we'd get a bit of time to catch up. When I get there with dc, four other friends arrive (that I've never met), with at least one of them as confused as me, and clearly not pleased. The other friends didn't seem to know each other and first friend just introduced us, but didn't say anything about there suddenly being six of us (and children) confused. Surely this is a bit off, don't know what to think! It would have to be severe baby brain to forget you'd already arranged with four more people (and then not realize/apologize once we all turned up)! And doesn't make sense if she'd rather not meet with me any more (would just say she is busy when asked) or prefers group get-togethers (would at least tell me about the others surely). Am a bit sad about apparently different expectations (she doesn't seem to want to catch up then or think it would be decent to ask me if I would mind other people joining? Which i wouldn't at all if i was asked!). We never got to talk at all (had some great chats with some of the other friends though smile). Maybe it was a ploy to bring us all together and she actually meant well? As I said very confused. I can't work it out! Am I overreacting being sad?

however Fri 29-May-15 13:49:15

If it was a bar, then I agree. A trip to the park? Wouldn't bother me.

TheGirlFromIpanema Fri 29-May-15 13:50:28

Imo YABU.

If she had brought extra people along to an event or your home or whatever then fair enough (even though it still wouldn't bother me personally) but a trip to the park confused Seems a bit weird and posessive to me to even give it a second thought.

WorraLiberty Fri 29-May-15 13:51:04

She should have mentioned it, so I can see why you're put out.

Personally I'm a 'the more the merrier' kind of person in a situation like this, but we're all different.

storminabuttercup Fri 29-May-15 13:53:03

I'm a bit on the fence about this one. It annoys me, but once a friend did just this, turn up with another friend, other friend and I really hit it off, we went out as a group a few more times, original friend couldn't make it one time, last min cancel so new friend and I still went, now original friend doesn't talk to either of us, blocked on FB the lot hmm me and friends friend get on great but I'm sad and confused why original friend didn't like us going out without her yet was happy to not tell either of us that there would be other people at the first meet up.

But say you were meeting as you needed to talk to someone etc and they knew that yet they still invited someone else that's off.

balletnotlacrosse Fri 29-May-15 13:54:44

It depends. I suppose a trip to the park with the kids is quite a casual thing so inviting someone else to come along is no big deal. But inviting four extra people, who don't know each other, sounds a bit OTT.

It does really annoy me if I've arranged to see a friend, or group of friends, for a catch up and someone just invites along a random person we've never met. I think that's quite thoughtless.

gaslamp Fri 29-May-15 13:54:46

Sorry I don't think it is strange or rude - my friends and I would definitely do this. If it was your house, then yes of course that would be rude. But park, no

TengoSueno Fri 29-May-15 13:57:04

I generally love more people when meeting up. I'd be miffed if it was at dinner etc but at a park is be fine. Did you ask your friend about it?

millionsofpeaches Fri 29-May-15 13:57:15

I actually think yanbu. I have a friend who does this all the time. I think it's just going to be me, her and our dcs and when I arrive I often find at least one other person who I vaguely know has also been invited. I wouldn't mind so much, but the people she invites don't tend to really talk to me and I end up being left on the edge. Also the dcs don't tend to mix with each other either for some reason. Oh, and they're often later!
My friend wouldn't realise this isn't done as she's quite very thick skinned and just doesn't notice. I know the grown up thing would be to talk to her about it, but I know her reason is that she works all week and when she does have free time she wants to see as many people as possible, which I can understand, but it seems to be at the expense of quality time with any of us!

I don't think you're overreacting I hate it!!

balletnotlacrosse Fri 29-May-15 14:01:01

I think that's it with a lot of people millions. They want to get maximum 'value' out of a meet up by inviting several people they need to catch up with. But it's not all about them. They should think of the person/people they're already meeting and ask themselves if they'd be comfortable with someone else tagging along.

IKnowIAmButWhatAreYou Fri 29-May-15 14:01:53

If the purpose of you meeting up was to catch up & have a chat while the kids were playing then YANBU.

Nolim Fri 29-May-15 14:01:59

I would find it rude. If it was just one more friend then ok but inviting five friends who dont know each other without them letting them know is not nice, the common friend talks to one or two ppl and the other 3 or 2 just stare at each other and try to chat among themselves. That was not the expectation.

m0therofdragons Fri 29-May-15 14:03:09

Playing in the park I can see how you might say "oh I'm meeting a friend in the park, why don't you join us?"
I find it hard to see all my friends now I'm working so really don't see anything off with trying to see a few friends at the same time in this context. I can't imagine my friends would mind either but maybe I'm rude. I'd probably mention others were joining us. Sounds like a friendly gathering and chance to meet new friends.

RackofPeas Fri 29-May-15 14:04:39

I would say that as you were the one who arranged the meet up then yanbu, I think she should have mentioned she was asking a few others along. But perhaps she thought as you were meeting in the park that having more people and kids about would be nice. Or perhaps she had already arranged to see friends that day and rather than cancel on someone she amalgamated the arrangements.
If you want to meet her again then invite her to your house perhaps, it would be odd to randomly invite others then.

Pastaeater Fri 29-May-15 14:06:07

I think you are being a bit oversensitive; this is quite a common thing to do IMHO.
If it really bothers you, try to arrange a time with your friend to actually have a chat on your own, pointing out tactfully that you didn't get much chance to talk in the park.
You are coming across as a bit possessive!!

balletnotlacrosse Fri 29-May-15 14:07:20

I remember a friend asking me to meet her for lunch one day but I was already meeting someone else. She sounded a bit let down and, just to be polite, I said that she'd be welcome to join us (kind of to let her know that I was genuinely meeting someone and not just brushing her off). I really thought that she'd say no, as she'd never met my other friend, and was very taken aback when she said yes, that would be lovely.

I rang the other friend to explain she'd be joining us and to apologise. It all went fine, but there's no way I'd have just turned up with an extra person in tow.

SodiumReindeer Fri 29-May-15 14:08:40

I'd think it was OK, it often happens here when we do a picnic in the park over the holidays but it's always from a group that we all know - usually a group of parents from primary school as our DCs are now all at different secondary schools so we meet in the park with them.

morage Fri 29-May-15 14:09:06

I totally agree with you.
But I find some people are "the more the merrier" and won't see any issue. i disagree. Group dynamics are important.

Bunnyhipsdontliegrl Fri 29-May-15 14:14:53

But did she know it was supposed to be a time to catch up? Or did she just told you she was going to the park after school and offer you to go too so the kids could play?

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere Fri 29-May-15 14:16:16

I've had this happen before and it really pissed me off. When you're looking forward to a catchup with an old friend and they show up with a third (or fourth, fifth etc.!) party it can be a bit of a letdown. My very close friend did this several times in a row with the same third party, and although I didn't dislike her and didn't mind at all at first, it started to get ridiculous. The worst thing was that my friend had this complicated romantic situation going on which she couldn't / wouldn't discuss in front of the third party, and always wanted to meet up to discuss it, only to invite the other person confused She kept bombarding me with text messages about it and eventually I had to remind her that I had no idea what she was talking about, because every time we arranged to go for a drink so she could actually tell me about it, we didn't actually end up talking about it except for a garbled five minutes before the other one arrived.

She never told me in advance either, just always announced it once she'd got there, and always as if it were an unfortunate but unavoidable thing. It was so odd.

BettyCatKitten Fri 29-May-15 14:28:42

My sil does this. We arrange to meet then some of her friends turn up too, it pisses me off, I don't bothet any more.

Purplepixiedust Fri 29-May-15 14:31:38

A meet at the park with kids is usually a casual thing. If meeting for lunch or at someone's house it would be different. I may mind more if I had suggested the meet. If she suggested it though say by text, she may have text half a dozen people at once. We do that occasionally - a general text 'we are off to the park at 3 if you feel like joining us' sent to a few friends.

GoEasyPudding Fri 29-May-15 14:37:24

I have been to peoples houses for a prearranged visit and there's been other guests there that I have never met before. In their home that's up to them of course and it is the sort of thing you just have to shrug off.

Afterwards though I felt like I had had just a vague and polite chat to a stranger. When you have been looking forward to a catch up with a pal and you just get small talk instead it is very disappointing.

BluebCheesecake Fri 29-May-15 15:03:24

Thanks all. Yes, disappointing, i think that is the word rather than sad. It was me that contacted her after seeing her a week or so before. We didn't get a chance to talk then, so i said I'd text her to arrange for a proper catch-up. And she is always saying how a proper catch-up would be nice ...
It now seemed a bit like the 'meeting all of my friends at once cause i never get to see them otherwise' scenario though.
But yeah, everyone is different, if lots of you would be perfectly ok with this, then at least it makes more sense to me. (Still don't like it though, possessive or not wink.)

Dr0pThePirate Fri 29-May-15 15:07:52

GoEasy I have a friend who would do that to me all the time angry. The worst part was that we lived far from each other and the train was too expensive so I'd go by coach. Dead cheap but would take 3 -4 hours. When I got there she'd announce "so and so" was coming round and I'd feel like a complete lemon sitting there will they caught up.

One time we hadn't seen each other in a year, I was really looking forward to meeting up but she emailed me to tell me to sort out a halloween costume as the weekend I was coming down was her friend halloween party shock angry. I told her to forget it (I'd already bought the tickets though). We fell out for a bit then made up a few months later.

Again I went to see her (on the coach hmm). We went for a stroll and "accidentally" met up with her friends in a cafe. They came back to hers and they had a big old catch up and I hardly spoke to anyone. I played with her daughter for hours thought which was nice. That evening she was on Facebook with them for about an hour. That was over three years ago, we still email but I haven't been to see her since sad

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now