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To tell MIL she cant come

(23 Posts)
cjt110 Thu 28-May-15 13:59:20

It's DS' first birthday in August. PIL live 150 miles away. My parents live 2 miles from us and have DC 3 days a week whilst we are working.

PIL have 3 children, DH being the eldest. BIL lives 2 mins walk from them, SIL lives abroad. In all the time DH has lived up here (10 years) they visited us well not us, twice they stayed on a coach trip "nearby and we had to go and visit them 3 times. They regularly (2/3 times a year) jet off to see SIL.

Since DS was born MIL has been up twice. On DH's birthday he had no card from her and when he did eventually receive it, it had some bad news about an uncle inside (WTF?!). MIL can be quite fricious(sp?) making trivial comments on FB about things such as what does DS call DM and because she (DM) is Grandma, MIL should be called Nanny. Her other 3 GC call her Grandma so why should DS call her any different... (but thats another thread).

DH is mightily annoyed with MIL about the birthday card and other small things that in separation wouldnt be so bad but give the idea she doesnt really give a fig. We had agreed we would not go down again when SIL was there as she was exteremely rude to us at Christmas and following the bitrhday saga we said that they ca come to us from now on - why should we have to troop down there.

Anywho, DH said the other day had I received any mnessages off MIL (she usually messages me about things) No I hadnt. She had messaged him to ask could she come up for DC birthday. We were somewhat surprised but also said between us that it wasnt suitable. His birthday is on a Tuesday and we are taking the day off and will go out for the day, calling in to see my parents briefly but it is a day for the three of us. My parents respect this and said they would just like to see DC on his birthday but dont mind if its a short visit. I suggested we go down there instead. DH works alternate weekends and the weekend after he is off. If MIL comes up, it will be say Weds-Sun and we cant dont want to take the time off work and as such we could go down the Fri night and come home Sun.

AIBU to say no? That she can fit in with us not the other way around?

DisappointedOne Thu 28-May-15 14:04:11

My outlaws sound quite similar to yours. I no longer put myself or DD out for them. YANBU.

ollieplimsoles Thu 28-May-15 14:04:57

YANBU- Let your DH sort this out, he sounds switched on with her.

From what you have said I can see this turning into another drama, and you dont want that on DC's birthday.

Hope you have a great day together cake

BlackeyedSusan Thu 28-May-15 14:07:12

suggest she can come down for the weekend that dh is off. (or the one after that)

cjt110 Thu 28-May-15 14:11:03

Thanks everyone so far.

BlackeyedSusan She won;t come down or just the weekend as she buys the cheap bus tickets (she can;t drive) so it will be say midweek or Thurs to Tues... And I will be alone with her that weekend....confused

I have also learnt quite recently, I don't particularly like her in view of her recent shenanigans

spad Thu 28-May-15 14:11:39


Happy Birthday to your ds when it comes!

Hidingmyidentity Thu 28-May-15 14:22:53

I am not sure what you want? You don't want to troop down there anymore, you want her to come to you. Now she is asking to visit you don't want her to come. There must be a massive back story that I haven't read but in your situation I would insist that your DH sorts it out. It is his DM after all.

DisappointedOne Thu 28-May-15 14:26:24

If it were me, I'd tell her that we'd come down fri - sun as you've suggested. Lesser of 2 evils and no normal person would consider you'd been unreasonable. ;)

pasbeaucoupdegendarme Thu 28-May-15 14:26:25

Yanbu. Just tell her you already have plans.

Easier said than done... I am facing a similar issue... confused

cjt110 Thu 28-May-15 14:42:28

Hiding I'd be happy to just have phone contatc (if that) if it was upto me. I can't stand that she has gone from nearly no contact to being an arse and also wanting to be here all the time.

reni1 Thu 28-May-15 15:06:14

I would see if you can find a week that works for her and you, the phone-only contact is pretty extreme. She offers to come and you were upset she hasn't come before. This is about your DS and her, DH birthday card is another issue altogether. Unless there is a big back story (abuse or similar) I would grin and bear it. Imagine you would never see your DS's children when his time comes... many children model their family on their own experiences and you will be the MIL in years to come.

cjt110 Thu 28-May-15 15:08:25

reni I suppose you are right. I have just text DH who said she has said we are ok to go down the weekend after DS' birthday. I just cannot stand fairweather friends or family. She has never bothered with us all that much before even when we have offered to have them up with us for a few days so why suddenly express such an interest.... bonkers confused

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Thu 28-May-15 15:11:52

I think you expect a lot. She doesn't live near you and makes an effort but then that's wrong or something.

Some families just don't do all the same stuff as others. I think you sound quite hard work. Sorry.

cjt110 Thu 28-May-15 15:16:13

Moving Yes she doesnt live near us and sees us rarely but sees her DD 3/4 times a year which involves flights, bus rides and who knows what else. We have invited her many times and she's always found some excuse not to come. Yet as soon as DS is born, expects us to drop everything for her to come and see us. It just pickles my brain how that one works...

reni1 Thu 28-May-15 15:16:37

Cjt, your DS can decide how much contact he wants in his own time, if she really won't bother in years to come there will be little contact from late teenage onwards anyway and then you'll be able to drop out of it yourself. Or she might surprise you all and become a fab grandma to him.

cjt110 Thu 28-May-15 15:19:45

reni I hope she does become fab Grandma to him. I grew up with one on each side and want him to experience the same. It's just tough when it all seems to be on her terms not to think oh blow you, we aren't playing to your tunes.

DisappointedOne Thu 28-May-15 15:21:17

We have very similar with DH's family, OP. They have always had an open invitation to come here, but choose not to. I don't offer any more. On the other hand we've had to trek up there in order to try and give DD a relationship with that side of the family. DD is now at school so we aren't bothering so much. I haven't been up this year at all, DD and DH have been for 1 night (stayed at a hotel). My nephew is being christened this weekend. We found out last night. We're not going as we have plans. I suspect a few years ago we'd have cancelled them to be able to go. No more.

reni1 Thu 28-May-15 16:20:34

I hope so for your DS, op. I had a great granny who most adults in my life found hard work, she was an absolute tartar had a somewhat grating personality, but for us great-grandchildren she was the most wonderful Grandma and I am grateful my parents sat through many an unbearable weekend for us.

Welshmaenad Thu 28-May-15 16:34:23

I have many issues with my PIL (similarly no birthday card for my DH this year!) and for two puns would tell them to fuck the fuck off, but it's not about me, it's about my children. They're harfly the greatest grandparents in the world and the contact they now have (weekly Skype/call and 2-3 visits a year) is the result of a fair bit of intervention by me, but the children do seem to enjoy their visits.

It is hard, the inside of your cheeks will go lumpy from buying them, you will vent a lot at strangers in AIBU, but I think you have to give your ds the best chance of a good relationship with them, which sometimes means sucking up your personal beef with them. I think you going there is an excellent compromise.

Houseworkavoider Thu 28-May-15 16:40:43

She sounds a bit difficult but you do sound a we bit highly strung about her.
Yanbtotalyu but maybe just chill out and make her welcome. It's only a visit.

DisappointedOne Thu 28-May-15 16:41:26

A visit that's not happening..............

Signlake Thu 28-May-15 17:19:07

Sorry but YABU. Can she not pop round on the morning before you go out for the day. Maybe drop by later when you return home. I know you said your parents will only see LO very briefly but it doesn't seem fair that one set of grandparents can wish your son a happy first birthday and the other set can't. I know it's hardly for his sake but it's a special day. Plus you complained that they never come to visit, then you're complaining that they are coming to visit. I'm a little confused

inlectorecumbit Thu 28-May-15 17:32:31

PIL live 150 miles away, l hardly think MIL can just pop round for a wee while in the morning smile

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