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I think I'm being a huge bitch.

(59 Posts)
HelpMeNotSnap Thu 28-May-15 09:56:55

A family member passed away last night. Their partner text us to let us know. Within minutes the fb statuses are up, but from family who didn't even know they'd been back in and out of hospital for months, hadn't rang to see how they or their partner were coping, hadn't came to visit.

I'm sure we're all mourning the person who has passed away. And everyone mourns differently.

I'm having trouble with their gushing posts and the gracious acceptance of sympathy from all quarters. I'm angry that if I'd opened my laptop a minute earlier I'd had found out the news not from a text from their partner, but from a fucking facebook status.

This has been a while coming, so isn't a shock, at least it shouldn't be. But it was, like a ton of bricks is a shock. I think I'm passing my anger at losing such a brilliant person onto family. I've not called them on it, not my place to say how others should behave, but I want to delete them all and scream how dare they.

I'm gutted, they were a brilliant person. My friend and a great source of support and advice during a difficult few years. They had a wicked sense of humour and our phone bills were often whinged about by both our partners. I feel so guilty. I've cried for them long before today, I mourned them before today, but today is still so fucking raw. I feel guilty that these family members are getting any of my emotion today, they don't deserve a jot of it.

TwinkieTwinkle Thu 28-May-15 10:00:07

I hate the Facebook posting straight after someone passes, it's all very self serving IMO. Just leave them to it, ignore them and focus on yourself and anyone who needs your support. flowers

asmallandnoisymonkey Thu 28-May-15 10:01:37

So, so sorry for your loss. I don't think you're being a bitch, I think you're grieving for a loved one and you're allowed to do that in any way that makes it easier.

Sometimes it's hard for other people to understand your grief but I think you should grieve however you feel you should.
It will probably be very difficult not to say something to the people that are behaving in this way, however it's probably not productive to say anything, even though you want to scream in their faces. Some people can't see how selfish they are even when it's thrust in their faces.

I am so sorry for your loss - I know no words can help you feel better, only time and wonderful memories help to temper the feelings of sadness and loss and I hope in time you find it easier to bear.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag Thu 28-May-15 10:02:56

I'm sorry for your loss sad.
My brother died when he was 27 (I was 24). Within hours of his death random family members (distant cousins, some of whom had never met him!) wee putting Facebook statuses about him being taken too soon etc. It made me so angry, firstly that they had no right to be grieving and secondly that they were doing everything so publicly. I hasn't even told my close friends yet, who actually did know my brother. I don't know what you can do though other than concentrate on yourself and your family.
flowers xxx

Arsenic Thu 28-May-15 10:04:48

You're not being a bitch - the FB etiquette of bereavement is awkward, to say the least.

Sorry to hear of your loss flowers

Koalafications Thu 28-May-15 10:04:54

I am so sorry for your loss.

I don't think you are being a bitch.


AmyElliotDunne Thu 28-May-15 10:07:16

I'm so sorry for your loss and completely understand how upsetting this must be for you. flowers

I always think it a little strange that FB is used for such serious and sad things where it is surrounded by jokes and trivial crap.

When someone I know vaguely posts something like this though, I will always comment, if only putting a few kisses or something, because it feels churlish not to, regardless of how well I know them or what I know about the circumstances. It's the modern equivalent of sending a card I suppose, but it does feel a bit insincere when you're not closely involved.

When my dad died I know it irritated my mum to hear about other people's grief (even us kids to a certain extent) because in her mind she was the one who had lost the most. I had to let her have that, even though I'd lost my dad as she had lost her one true love, but in my mind it's not a competition and everyone has their own feelings of loss.

In some ways, those making the most noise about it (on FB and elsewhere) are usually not the ones who are suffering the most, so try to take it with a pinch of salt and accept that the level of sympathy they are getting in public from people they don't necessarily know means nothing and they are just expressing their sadness in the only way they know how to do anything these days, on social media with their friends watching. It's a sad state of affairs really isn't it. ((hugs))

Rainicorn Thu 28-May-15 10:10:30

So sorry for your loss flowers

You're not being a bitch at all.

I hate the whole FB and stati about death. I found out about my uncles death through FB. My overly dramatic cousin (not his daughter) put a simple status of RIP Uncle Paul, and I had to call my dad to find out what was going on.

OhNoNotMyBaby Thu 28-May-15 10:11:44

Another one offering flowers and saying most emphatically that you are not being a bitch in any way whatsoever!

This illustrates why I don't do FB - it's full of stupid gushing from ignorant people who know nothing.

A close relative of mine once got 2 weeks paid leave from the NHS because the daughter of a close friend of another family member (in other words, someone she didn't know at all) died tragically.

Shameless people play on others' feelings and adopt the 'fluffy' affirmations and love without wanting to know about the reality.

chippednailvarnish Thu 28-May-15 10:12:17

I found out my GF had passed away by text message and then I had to call my DM in the middle of the night to tell her. I think some people have an overwhelming need to be seen to be involved rather than actually stepping up...


millionsofpeaches Thu 28-May-15 10:12:29

Sorry for your loss. I too hate all the spurious fb posts after a death. It's fake, self serving and attention seeking, and I think you are definitely not being a hitch, totally not unreasonable at all. Last year my cousin posted the death of our grandmother on fb before we knew, and before even my dad knew as he was uncontactable at work at the time. My sis and I did call him on it and he did apologise. Some people just don't think coz they're fuckwits!

SumThucker Thu 28-May-15 10:13:04

Not a bitch at all. Sorry for your loss.

Pagwatch Thu 28-May-15 10:13:34

If you are a cow, I am too.
The people that crawl out of the gutter to express their devotion when someone dies are awful.
Just awful.
I found it kind of silenced me, as if it diminished my own feelings, that people who I knew barely gave a crap were falling over themselves to exaggerate their closeness to the person I lost. And the mawkish, superficial posts made me want to cry.

Some people are nobs.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Just don't look on Facebook for a while. It will help, I promise you.

PoppyFleur Thu 28-May-15 10:14:27

Im sorry for your loss. flowers

Facebook is a wonderful application for staying in touch with friends and family, especially if you live a distance away but goodness it does bring out the drama in some people.

Everyone has a right to grieve in their own way however, I do object to those that grieve so publicly on Facebook, spending time and energy on dramatics and yet never concerned themselves with spending equal amounts of time with the person when they were alive. It is shocking how disingenuous some people can be.

Stanky Thu 28-May-15 10:16:23

flowers So sorry for your loss. I think that fb can sometimes be a bit disrespectful and undignified.

HelpMeNotSnap Thu 28-May-15 10:19:01

Thank you all flowers

So sorry to those of you who found out that you'd lost a loved one via facebook. Even the prospect that that nearly happened today tipped me from grief to rage. I cannot imagine how hard that was, flowers for you all.

The 'memes' have started now.

'I think some people have an overwhelming need to be seen to be involved rather than actually stepping up.' My partner just said this sums them up, perfectly.

OpheliaBitz Thu 28-May-15 10:20:58

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You are not being a bitch at all, and are right to be annoyed at the self-serving attitude of others. You are also right to not lash out at them, mush as you must be itching to do so, as it wouldn't help the situation, nor make them see how hurtful they are being.

I do think that stepping away from Facebook for a while would help you.

Best wishes to you and your family. flowers

OpheliaBitz Thu 28-May-15 10:22:03

Much, not mush. Sorry, bad typist...

mrssprout Thu 28-May-15 10:22:51

I know someone that was living in a different country from some of their family. He first found out that his sister had died via another family member putting it up as a facebook status update. No one had thought to contact him first & it was very upsetting. I guess some people just don't think how it may be for others reading these things

Momagain1 Thu 28-May-15 11:07:44

I am so sorry for your loss. I think you are throwing your grief into anger at them. But I also think they are behaving badly, attention seeking behaviour, not grief. Can you help yourself by hiding each post as they come up or unfollow them altogether for a while? Or ignore FB completely for a while.

When dad died, the only announcement was on our mother's FB. The rest of us said nothing for several days.

When I did post, the responses I got from people unlikely to ever know if it werent for FB, much less send a condolence card, were nice. I valued each and every 'sorry for your loss' , more than I thought I would. I was very drained from helping my mom and the messages, no matter how brief, helped me.

i used to think responding to such things via FB was silly, especially if I didnt know the persons relative. Or if I did kind of know them, I delayed sending any condolences, FB or otherwise because I didnt know what to say. But now, i always respond even if all I can say is 'i am sorry' . Some of them may be attention seekers, but others may need the attention, i wouldnt try to make a judgement call which they might be.

MrsTrentReznor Thu 28-May-15 11:08:24

I found out about a family member on Facebook.
I was livid!
flowers for you OP

PtolemysNeedle Thu 28-May-15 11:17:22

So sorry for your loss.

I think the thing that makes the difference is whether or not the partner of the person who has died has put anything on FB or not. When my DH died, only one person put something in FB before me, but a friend contacted him and he removed it straight away. Thankfully most people were more thoughtful. It did kind of pressure me to put something on FB before I was ready, but think that's just the nature of these things.

After we had contacted as many people as possible and I'd put something on FB, I got a lot of comfort from people's FB messages in the first couple of days, and I certainly didn't see it as people coming out of the woodwork. We have friends and family all over the world, many of whom were feeling a big loss too, and I'd never have wanted to deny them a place to share memories and feelings. It also gave me the opportunity to hear from people who my DH knew but that I didn't, and that was nice.

I don't think it's fair to automatically think people posting on FB after a death are wrong, but I do think people should wait until the people closest to the deceased are ready, and the lead should be taken from them.

Theycallmemellowjello Thu 28-May-15 11:25:29

I don't think you're being a bitch, it's very natural to be in shock after a bereavement. However, I don't agree that a non-close person who expresses grief on fb is necessarily being horrible or fake. People post a lot on fb and it is likely to just seem a natural way for them to express their grief and respect. I agree that the etiquette is unclear and awkward in a situation like this, and it would be more thoughtful for people to leave a little space before posting. But I think it's safe to assume that in the vast majority of cases people's intentions are nothing but good and sincere. Sorry for your loss.

ApprenticeViper Thu 28-May-15 11:39:14

I am so sorry for your loss flowers brew

There are many reasons why I am dreading my one remaining grandparent passing away. Not least of them is the flood of Fakebook grief-outpouring that will undoubtedly ensue, from my cousins (who haven't seen said grandparent in over four years, for no reason other than their own idle-itis), from step-family (who wouldn't have pissed on my grandparent if said grandparent was on fire), and other associated numpties. It will make me want to stab them all, so I may well be shutting my Facebook down for a while when it happens.

I can't offer any advice, other than rise above it. You know what you meant to your relative, and they to you, and nothing on shitty Facebook can change that, diminish it or take it away. Look after yourself x

NoUseForAName Thu 28-May-15 11:56:54

My GM passed away on my Dd birthday, my dad and his siblings were with her and I was at a village hall setting up for dds party, aunt had rang my uncle who lives abroad and told him that his dm had passed away and obviously he told his children, aunt did say can nothing be put on Facebook as not all family had been told yet - dad wanted to wait until after Dds party to tell us so that the party wasn't 'spoilt' but dh went on Facebook and saw my cousin from abroad had posted on Facebook within 10 minutes of my uncle being told that's how he found out, he rang my dad to ask if I knew so dad had to drive over to meet me and tell me before I saw it on Facebook, unfortunately my sister saw the FB post and that's how she found out, dad was hoping to tell all his children together later. A lot of the family is still upset that they found out via Facebook from a cousin who hadn't seen her GM in years and wasn't close like we were and she had been told NOT to put anything up for the very reason that we are a huge family and telling everyone would take time.

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