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To expect a bit more?

(43 Posts)
BasinHaircut Wed 27-May-15 08:16:27

This may or may not make sense but I'm yet again really pissed off with DH and TBH wondering what I get out of being married to him.

He doesn't do his fair share of anything. He doesn't do anything round the house unless I ask him, and even then I have to give him a specific task. And if I ask him to do it, but not immediately (I.e. Can you cut the grass this weekend) then he forgets. He thinks that forgetting is a good enough excuse for not doing it, he should make sure he remembers by maybe setting himself a reminder if his memory is that bad. Funny how he never forgets social stuff though...

This morning I blew up because we take turns in taking DS to nursery. On the morning we aren't taking him the agreement is that we get him ready while the other gets sorted, then the person who is taking him can take him downstairs out of the way so that the other can get ready quickly and rush out to work.

Anyway, it's my turn to get him ready so I get up and say to DH that I have to wash my hair so as soon as DS is ready I'm getting in the shower. DH stays im bed until DS is ready and then gets up and so I now have to get sorted with both of them under my feet. DS is only 1.9 and into EVERYTHING. DH does not keep him out of my way as he is now running late and expects me to help him out.

This is a classic example of how selfish he can be. Id already told him I needed more time this morning and got no co-operation. He purposely laid in bed playing on his phone when he could have been getting dressed. He did this knowing It would make me late.

I go downstairs eventually and realise that it was his turn to wash up last night and he hasn't done it. So I call him on it and he says 'I'm going to do it this morning'. Bullshit. He would have left it if I hadn't mentioned it. That's the other thing, if I call him on something that he is supposed to do he says 'I was just about to do it' and it's a blatant lie.

I'm so angry. It's the fact that he Can't accept or admit that he is in the wrong that pisses me off. If I ask him to do something once he doesn't, if I ask h more than once because he hasn't done it I'm nagging. It's fucking disrespectful isn't it? I know my standards are a bit higher than his but if he gave a shit about me then surely he would at least try to meet me half way?

PerpendicularVincenzo Wed 27-May-15 08:20:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nolim Wed 27-May-15 08:23:22

It is disrespectful

PerpendicularVincenzo Wed 27-May-15 08:24:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tutteredboast Wed 27-May-15 08:26:13

Are you me?

flora717 Wed 27-May-15 08:26:49

He needs a large swig of grow the fuck up. Is he an adult or does he need you to arrange a sitter when you're out.

Tutteredboast Wed 27-May-15 08:28:02

Seriously, no advice, mine's very similar. I am going to read all the replies you get and hope to get somewhere!

flanjabelle Wed 27-May-15 08:29:44

Yanbu but I think you need to have a conversation about how these things make you feel. I know you call him on it when it happens, but I think you should take some time when you are both calm and explain what is bothering you and how it makes you feel. If he makes no changes after that conversation then I would be having a long hard think about whether I wanted to stay in the marriage. This is not a respectful partnership.

yougotafastcar Wed 27-May-15 08:30:10

Sounds like my DP. I don't know the answer but I was ready to pack myself and the DC a bag and go on monday. It is so selfish

BasinHaircut Wed 27-May-15 08:33:29

Consequences don't seem to work! For example I so all the washing from basket to dry, DH's job is to put away. We currently have 4 dry loads waiting. He will quite happily leave it like that forever and just wear it from there.

But I don't want to live in a tip.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Wed 27-May-15 08:36:20

I think you need to just start doing stuff for yourself only. Make one dinner. Wash only yours and ds clothes. On the days when you get ds ready, do it, then get yourself done and out the door.

Dont help him out. Turn his selfishness back on him. It will be the only way he will realise.

thoughtsbecomethings Wed 27-May-15 08:36:41

This sounds just like my Dh. It is so unfair and disrespectfulhmm

ItsTricky Wed 27-May-15 08:41:12

Are you married to a 12 year old boy?

ollieplimsoles Wed 27-May-15 08:54:17

I agree with pp who said do things just for you and ds. That's what I would do in this situation, at the moment it sounds like you have two children, and that's awful. Ds is Dh's responsibility too, he needs to pull his finger out.

I would think nothing of leaving the dishes in the sink til he does them either, kick your own selfishness up a notch. I know its hard when you like a clean house to let things get messy but he has to learn.

Focus on your ds for a bit, your dh needs to fend for himself without reminders, you are not running a hotel!

Why doesn't he want to keep his home and family running smoothly!?

OwlinaTree Wed 27-May-15 10:56:36

Just doing yours or leaving it will not work, you will just end up feeling angry and living in a mess.

What worked and works with my dh is saying we will both now spend 30 mins doing jobs. You hoover and I'll clean the bathroom (or whatever). It's instant. Asking my dh to do something over the weekend doesn't work, he forgets and I get stressed.

We had a problem with him not putting his washing away, and it was just left in a huge pile he took from. I started putting small amounts on the bed so he had to put it away before getting in bed. It worked better because he couldn't leave it.

Maybe every other day routines don't work for him because he can't get into a pattern. Could he do Ds nursery drop for a whole week and wash up for a week then swap with other jobs the following week?

Sympathy tho, it's just draining to live like this.

BasinHaircut Wed 27-May-15 11:09:26

owl thanks, but the main part of my issue is that even if I get him to do something, I still have to 'manage' the whole process and that's exhausting.

I'd like to be able to count on him to do the very few things that he is supposed to so that I could free up the headspace and not live in shit.

The DS and nursery thing is 2 days per week. 3 days per week he can do as he pleases in the mornings and it's so frustrating! We can't do it another way due to my hours at work but basically on that 1 day that I have to try and get out of the door early (as I have to leave early to pick up DS from nursery) that he can't keep up his end of the bargain. The only way that I can make this easier is for ME to get up earlier and that's not fair and misses the point that he does fuck all and I pick up all of his slack.

googoodolly Wed 27-May-15 11:16:45

That sounds tiring. I'm more house-proud than my DP and don't like leaving things sat around (e.g. if I do laundry, I'll fold it and put it away straight away, he'll leave it and happily just use the laundry pile as a second wardrobe) if left to his own devices.

What doesn't make sense though, is that why doesn't the person taking DS to nursery get up, get ready, sort DS and go - the tag-team bit makes it all sound a bit complicated? If DS is at nursery two days a week, then you get up early and sort him one day, and DH can do it another. Seems a bit pointless to have you both getting up early both days, unless DS has other needs and requires extra help?

petalsandstars Wed 27-May-15 11:19:23

Lack of intimacy is an effective reminder - I don't want to have a ex with someone who behaves disrespectfully

petalsandstars Wed 27-May-15 11:20:19

Autocorrect doesn't like sex either grin

Narnia72 Wed 27-May-15 11:31:10

That sounds really hard work and I'm not surprised you're frustrated. My OH is rubbish at putting laundry away too and it drives me mad, but he's good at helping without being asked in other areas.

I would swap your routines around in the morning. It will be harder work for 2 days for you, but probably worth it. So the person who is taking your son to nursery has to also get him ready. You know what you have to do to get out of the door and can plan in advance - so on your days have both your stuff ready the night before, make sure you've washed your hair etc so you can organise you both and ready to go. On the days you don't take him, get up and out of the door before they're up. If DS wakes up, take him in and dump him in the bed with OH. Then he has to step up and sort, or someone will be late and it won't be you.

With lack of help in other areas, I have started leaving a cardboard box in the front room and if DH leaves his things lying around, I dump them in there, higgedly piggedly, and he can sort them out or find them. I used to get really frustrated with him leaving stuff all over the house and then running around on a morning, expecting me to help. It mostly works!

With the washing - are you in a position to afford cleaner/washing done for a bit? I would give him a list of weekly tasks, a deadline, and say if they're not done I'm getting help in. See how he feels about that.

BasinHaircut Wed 27-May-15 11:34:11

goo the idea is that if I get DS ready, DH can get ready at the same time and be out of the house on time and out of my way. If I have to get myself ready and be responsible for DS it takes twice as long. And I guarantee that if I was to get up early to do myself and DS, then DH would choose to get up and get ready at the same time so there would be all three of us trying to move around the same space getting in each other's way.

NoIsNotACompleteSentence Wed 27-May-15 11:39:26

I go downstairs eventually and realise that it was his turn to wash up last night and he hasn't done it. So I call him on it and he says 'I'm going to do it this morning'. Bullshit. He would have left it if I hadn't mentioned it. That's the other thing, if I call him on something that he is supposed to do he says 'I was just about to do it' and it's a blatant lie. "

For a minute I thought you were talking about my teenagers there.

I could not live like this with a partner. They are meant to enhance your life not make it worse.

DH has higher standards than me, much higher! Because I love him and don't want him to be unhappy or fed up in his home, I compromise and so does he. Eg I would quite happily leave the washing up until we run out. DH would stress, he doesn't like piles of dirty dishes on the side. I know that he would only do them himself if I leave my dishes, which isn't fair as I'm treating him like my servant, so I generally just do them myself. In return he doesn't fuss when the house doesn't look exactly like he would like it, he recognises that I've made an effort to meet him halfway and that's good enough.

We have been together a long time but are very happy. We actively try to make each other happy and it works for us.

A lot of couples have differing ideas over things like money, housework, sex, whatever so sometimes people have to compromise. It's not fair if only one person is compromising. I also think it shows a lack of affection and respect if one person doesn't even make the effort to compromise.

Don't fanny about withholding sex, or leaving his washing. Just tell him very clearly how you feel, give him a last chance to meet you halfway at least, if he doesn't you know that he doesn't love or respect you enough to try and make you happy. (If you issue a last chance ultimation though, be prepared to follow through or there's no point)What you do then is up to you...

Gottagetmoving Wed 27-May-15 11:46:08

In your situation, I would have a serious discussion with him and sort it out and I would let him know that if it is not resolved then there would be no alternative than to split up. I would mean it too.
Men switch of when you moan and/or rant especially when nothing happens as a result of them not taking any notice, so its consequences, and if that doesn't work - separate ways.

googoodolly Wed 27-May-15 11:46:21

The way you're doing it just seems to be overly complicated, that's all. I know I would rather get up, get myself and DC ready and go, rather than have to tag-team with someone else. If you get up early one day and get you and DS ready and off to nursery, he can get DS up and sorted the other day, and all you have to do is get yourself ready. If you leave before they do, it's his responsibility to get DS sorted and if he's late for work, that's his tough luck.

NoIsNotACompleteSentence Wed 27-May-15 12:05:18

Nice sexist generalisation there gotta, don't you mean "some men"?

I think posters might get hung up on the nursery organisation, but if this is just a snippet of a bigger picture, resolving this won't resolve the underlying problem.

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