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to think it's quite mean of my DH to give me looks when I eat food he thinks I shouldn't be eating and to tell me I lack self control?

(89 Posts)
beestings Sun 24-May-15 22:51:07

Here's the background, sorry this is so long but didn't want to drip feed. Thanks for opinions and advice.

I'm not anywhere near overweight according to BMI and never have been and have three children.

In my early 20s I was very slim and fit and I managed to get back to being relatively healthy after DC1.

When DC2 was born he was very ill and I spent the first year worrying about him and spending no time on myself. Just when it became clear he would be fine and I thought I might get fit again (exercise and eating well) I found out that I was pregnant with DC3.

In that pregnancy I let myself go a little and ate lots of rubbish and did little exercise. I had a horrific birth injury with DC3 (and have an ongoing issue). I felt pretty shit about myself and felt quite fat and unattractive (and stretch marked). Even at this point I was in the middle of the BMI normal range. Around this time DH went on a fitness overdrive. He's always been slim, but he started working out a lot, and controlling his diet and he started to see good results. This is when he started telling me I ought to get to the gym and eat healthily and every time I ate too much or not the right thing or too little of the right thing in front of him he would give me looks or roll his eyes. I was still breastfeeding and was in no fit state mentally given all I'd been through in the previous 2 years to really get myself to the gym and to eat healthily. I was very upset with him.

Around 6 months later I finally got up the courage to get back into exercise and I lost some weight and got fitter again. A month later I was pregnant again though I had a late miscarriage at 16 weeks. I ended up putting all the weight I had lost in the summer back on and felt pretty shit about myself all winter. Cue DH giving me looks and telling me to get into the gym because he's 'concerned' about me. We eventually had it out and he agreed that what he was doing was not nice or helpful. A few weeks later I got back into gear and started exercising again and got fitter but didn't manage to shift any weight.

So today I'm 5 weeks pregnant again and trying to be careful but am starving and quite nauseous when not eating. At a children's birthday party this afternoon I ate a small sandwich and was standing next to DH and saw a look from him. When we talked about it later he finally admitted that he is being judgemental and that he thinks that I have no self control. He also said sorry and that it's not really any of his business.

What do I do with him? I really don't know anymore. I feel pretty shit and all his looks are making me feel worse, but I'm pregnant again and hoping to stay that way so can only really try to eat healthily. (He's fitter than ever and looks pretty good (on the outside, though I think he's pretty ugly on the inside)).

(I can get plenty of help with the kids so this is not really an excuse.)

crustsaway Sun 24-May-15 22:55:42

He's a control freak huh.

viva100 Sun 24-May-15 22:56:57

Have you told him how hurtful he's being? I mean, that's just horrible. Horrible. I can't believe a man can be so mean and heartless. To actually criticize a pregnant woman, who has already had 3 kids, for not being fit enough and try to control what she eats? Seriously, has he always been this much of a bully and so controlling?

iWantToBeAlone Sun 24-May-15 22:59:46

You're right. He is ugly on the inside.

Is he controlling in any other ways?

Bair Sun 24-May-15 22:59:55

He's being a total bastard.

He should be on bended knee at how marvellous your body is, your body which has birthed 3 children, suffered a birth injury and a loss ( flowers for you, I am sorry ) and is currently pregnant with another.

Your body is amazing, your body is bringing his children into the world, you fed them with your body.

I'd tell him to either start worshipping at the temple of Beestings or you'll be losing 11 stone (or whatever his fat head weighs) rather fast.

I hate the whole my DH says thing, but DH is a gym nut, I'm pregnant. DH says tell him to do double his current workout on half his usual intake. As that's how pregnancy looks from the outside to him.

MayPolist Sun 24-May-15 23:00:37

It depends.Do you moan about your weight a lot, and wanting to shift it? If not then YANBU in the slightest.But personally I feel people who bang on all the time about not being able to lose weight, and then sit and binge, very irritating.

ErrolTheDragon Sun 24-May-15 23:04:01

I think the self control needed here is some by your DH to stop himself behaving like an irrational arsehole. You're pregnant, you need to eat for nutrition but also to keep morning sickness at bay. This may involve choices not exactly the same as the norm Eg some find animal protein makes it worse whereas a ginger biscuit can be helpful.

Fatmomma99 Sun 24-May-15 23:09:20

Um. I'm not saying this to be mean, but have you tried contraception? (I'm not saying that because I don't think you should have as many children as you want, but from your post, your pregnancies seem to be a surprise)

I'm so, so sorry about your miscarriage, that's horrible and very sad, and my condolence for your loss cake

As I was reading your post my suggestion was going to be that he does child care whilst you exercise, but that's not as appropriate when you're pregnant (not that you can't...).

But having read it all, I'm left feeling - what sort of an ARSE criticizes a PREGNANT woman for needing to get nutrients into her body??? A body he has helped create, because it's a body which has nurtured his bloody sperm.

I'm sorry, beestings, but I feel quite angry, which prob isn't helpful.

I'm sure your body is gorgeous and all the best to you. But I don't think I should post on this topic!

beestings Sun 24-May-15 23:09:41

Thanks everyone. I'm not sure if he's normally controlling. I have been feeling quite uncomfortable and pressured in the last few years but used to be quite feisty.

viva100 I have told him he's being hurtful and had some big rows with him about this where I've told him how sad it makes me and how unhelpful it is.

MayPollist No, I never moan about my weight to anyone, least of all him and I never mentioning trying to shift it to him before this all started. I have told him that I still felt pretty shit and not really in a place to start exercising.

cleanmyhouse Sun 24-May-15 23:10:27

Oh how awful it must be for the poor man to have to have sex with you and make more babies with you when he clearly has no respect for you.


I'd be tempted to tell him to sort his shit attitude out or find somewhere else to be disapproving and judgemental.

Inertia Sun 24-May-15 23:14:39

Oh, isn't your husband a nasty git?

Your husband should have been concerned about your well being following your miscarriage (at 16 weeks it must have been traumatic- I'm sorry for your loss). You've been through some horrendous pregnancy and birth-related medical issues- and he's only concerned about his idea of your ideal figure.

You are pregnant, and trying to cope with pregnancy-related sickness as well as provide energy for a growing baby - and he's judging you for eating a fucking sandwich! While you are pregnant he should be doing all he can to help you feel better, not driving you to these levels of anxiety. Your growing baby needs you to eat as often as you need to- your husband's view really couldn't matter less.

It's very easy for him to keep his body fit- he's only ever needed it to provide for him. Evolution has ensured that your body is able to provide for your children- and if that doesn't suit his gym bunny viewpoint that's tough.

I'm sorry you're married to such a snidey slimeball.

EmilyMaitliss Sun 24-May-15 23:15:14

Ah Beestings you've had a time of it. He sounds utterly vain, selfish, shallow, lacking in compassion, just horrible really. You're carrying his baby and he rolls his eyes cause you're eating a fucking sandwich ? What a total cock.

I'm picturing him standing around posturing & posing at this party, trying to catch sneaky glimpses of himself in the mirror. Yeuch

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 Sun 24-May-15 23:16:46

He's an utter arse. But he has been for a long time, why do you keep getting pregnant with him?
Why is it only now you are questioning his behaviour, is the question?

DirtyKnickers Sun 24-May-15 23:20:11

If you're concious about your weight, why do you keep getting pregnant all the time? Your DH is a knob.

crustsaway Sun 24-May-15 23:20:14

Yes he is an arse of the contemptuous kind OP. I Also wonder why you keep having babies with him? Im not saying that to be mean but, really, wake up and stop it.

LauraMipsum Sun 24-May-15 23:21:26

I think he's being appalling. I'm not fond of people who diet and / or exercise competitively anyway (other than in a race context) - do it for yourself by all means, but FFS don't make yourself feel good by putting others down. To decide to indulge in competitive dieting with a woman who is in early pregnancy after 4 previous pregnancies.... well, I hope it makes him feel REALLY special because what else does he think it's going to achieve?

AlternativeTentacles Sun 24-May-15 23:22:41

It is not unhelpful is it? It is cuntish.

Tell him to stop being a complete cunt to you, to wind his neck in and fuck off.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Sun 24-May-15 23:22:51

What. The. Fuck. Controlling fucking horrible bastard.

beestings Sun 24-May-15 23:29:52

Thanks everyone. Really appreciate all the opinions.

So I haven't really been putting up with it. We have had rows where he has agreed that he's being mean that he will stop. And he has stopped for a few months.

Fatmomma99 The pregnancies were planned, though I didn't think I would fall pregnant as quickly as I did with the last two.

Had always thought he was a good man really. Honest (!), with integrity, hardworking, loving (!).

What do I do now?

ilovemargaretatwood8931 Sun 24-May-15 23:31:35

What Bair says.

But also what Winter says.

He sounds horrible. I'm very sorry for you. Do you want to be married to him?

DirtyKnickers Sun 24-May-15 23:31:47

Stop having kids with him and ltb.

Monica101 Sun 24-May-15 23:32:45

Absolutely vile, he should be totally ashamed of himself.

Really if you can and feel up for it, have it out with him. Lay it on the line that this needs to stop. He has no right to say these things to you.

beestings Sun 24-May-15 23:34:43

Keep getting pregnant because want to have a large family, relatively close in age. Had trouble the first few times so always thought I might have trouble again.

I though we'd turned a corner after a big row over this two months ago.

Also, am not even overweight on BMI so although I'd like to be slimmer and fitter, never thought of the weight as a good reason not to get pregnant.

Fatmomma99 Sun 24-May-15 23:34:56

Kick him in the (gym-toned) bollocks?

honeyrider Sun 24-May-15 23:41:09

He's a horrible controlling bastard, this has been going on for a long time and his promises are empty promises. He's not going to change despite knowing that he's upsetting you. It's not a good environment for your children to grow up seeing how nastily he's treating you.

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