To feel swallowed up life at the moment

[thebigblackhole]

I have name changed. I feel ashamed of my feelings.

On the face of it I shouldn't feel bad at all. Inside, at rapid speed, I feel in the depths of despair. Anger and frustration at silly things which I have let get to me and take over the steadiness of who I am. I don't know who I am anymore. I feel I have failed at so much, yet no big event just thing around me. I'm not a patient person. The kindness that my friends describe me as having makes me feel a fraud because I'm not kind. I'm intensely dislikeable. I am annoyed by the smallest of things.

I never wanted to be this sort of person and I don't know why it's all gone wrong

[mrstweefromtweesville]

seen anyone about this? gp. medication. talking therapy.
all sounds familiar.
mindfulness. live in the moment. in this moment you haven't failed, you don't need to know who you are, just be. one moment at a time.
hope you can get support.

[senrensareta]

It is easy to judge ourselves far more harshly than we would judge anybody else or than anybody else would judge us. We all do this sometimes but you need to begin to be kind to yourself

[TiredButFine]

It hasn't all gone wrong and you're not a bad person or a fraud. You sound like you're dealing with anxiety, depression or a mental health issue.
You need to see your GP or access some counselling to help you- making the post here shows that you know something is wrong- you can fix it. But not on your own.
Please contact someone about this- that might seem hard but is it really harder than feeling like this all the time?
I've been there- it get sbetter

[Smoorikins]

You have friends. You are therefore quite clearly not intensely dislikeable.

In addition, they see you as kind.

Do u realise that friends are far more likely to see you how you truly are? Family comes with bias, both positive and negative. And people are ALWAYS much more critical of themselves than they deserve.

You are kind. You are likeable. But you are also too self-critical. You need to work on focussing some of that kindness on yourself. Allow yourself to be human, to have flaws.

I agree with others, you need support. I also think you should see your gp. But please know that these feelings are temporary and you will fell more positive in time, with the right help and support. Allow yourself that time, and allow others to help you. You deserve that.

[thebigblackhole]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

No medication, no. So afraid of being judged or seen as weak which I know I shouldn't care about but it's just one more thing ill haves cocked up. Everyone always seems so 'together'. I struggle to keep things ticking over on the other hand. This feeling frightens me.

I will make an Appointment with the dr.

[thebigblackhole]

Thank you all, such kind words, you've made me cry. I definitely will go to the dr.

I want to give myself a shake. Yet I can't be bothered, all a bit too much effort at the moment.

[Smoorikins]

Believe me, not everyone that seems together, is.

I've had so many people tell me 'oh you are so confident' or 'it's OK for you, nothing phases you'.

But three years ago I had a total breakdown. I'd been trying to keep everything together for such a long time (being bullied at work, terminally ill father, awful relationship, personal granth problems). One day I cracked. Was signed off work for months. Lost friends along the way because they didn't know how to cope with vulnerable me.

Three years on, life is not perfect. But it's the best it has been for fifteen years. These hard times can be transformative - a time to look closely at what is really important in your life, and get rid of the things that being you down and hold you back.

I'm delighted you are going to your gp. You are not weak. And you are strong enough to handle this. You will get through it. With patience, one day and one step at a time.

[justmyview]

Another vote for seeing your GP. Good luck

[thebigblackhole]

smoorikins you poor thing, what awful things you've had to go through. Glad you're on your way up again.

Expectations are so high aren't they. So much pressure from outside influences to live a certain way. I feel like my facial muscles were stolen one night whilst I was sleeping so I can't remember when I last smiled and meant it.

Thank you all, I really appreciate this support, and whilst it's awful to see people have felt this way and worse, it is comforting to know it can happen to others.

[Smoorikins]

You don't need to feel sorry for me, I'm doing just fine, and I don't want to make this about me. I just wanted you to see that even when things seem at their bleakest, they do get better. They really do.

Kudos to you for admitting how you feel - that can be the hardest bit.

[KoalaDownUnder]

Be kind to yourself. Life is tough.

I know so many people who are struggling hard to stay afloat emotionally, yet their lives look golden from the outside. I'm one of them.