To think that my exDP would want to see more of our DD during the holidays?(9 Posts)
exDP and I split up when DD was 2 about 3 years ago (DD is now 5), she moved 100 miles away just before she started school 2 years ago and I went from having DD 4/5 nights a week to just having her at weekends for two nights a week.
Anyway I have her every weekend without fail drive the 200 mile round trip twice in three days so that I can see her. This weekend, however exDP was coming over to visit her family who still live here. She said that she would fetch DD over on Friday night but wanted her back on Saturday afternoon because her grandad was having a birthday party and then they were going to her aunties for dinner on Sunday so exDP would bring her back to me after she'd had her dinner. I thought it sounded as though DD was being passed from pillar to post a bit so I asked exDP if it would be a better idea for her to have DD Friday night and Saturday night plus Sunday morning and then fetch her to me so that she isn't having a broken visit and also it's half term next week and exDP wants me to have DD for the whole week. I just thought it would be nice for them to have a full day together during the holidays.
As it stands at present, DD is at school 5 days a week and goes to three after school clubs on a tuesda, Wednesday and Thursday night then she's with me on a Friday night.
I seem to have DD all holiday every holiday, or at least the majority, DD only spent 5 days with her DM throughout the 6 week break. I love having her and have no other issue with this arrangement other than what affect seeing so little of her DM is having in DD.
If you think about it she will only see DD for an hour or so before school Nd a couple of hours after school on a night.
I know that she's hard work, especially when she's ratty and tired, I understand this but you would think that she would WANT to spend a day or two with her without the interruption or school and clubs. She doesn't work and has a partner t home. My current DP thinks that maybe she's a bit depressed with the strain of the school runs and having a ratty child after school etc. Shes also noted that exDP seems to avoid spending one on one time with DD, she only seems to want her if they're going to a family event or staying over at her dads where there will be a lot of people around. ExDP seems fairly upbeat in herself but I just wanted someone else's perogative on the situation. I have nothing but sympathy towards her and just want to help. DD seems to be becoming despondent and has mentioned quite a few times recently that she doesn't get to see a lot of mummy anymore.
Please, no flaming, I've come on here with honest intentions and just want some advice on how to approach matters.
My Ex-H and I share the holidays, so that our DS sees both of us.
Have you asked your ex or suggested this?
How was it agreed that you would have her all through the summer holidays?
I'm not sure I understand your post. So you exDP is the principal carer for 5 days out of every 7 and you want her to do more in the holidays? Is that what you're saying?
Unfortunately we are all different and some people don't want to, enjoy or appreciate spending 1 on 1 time with their child. She may be stuck in the work / school, bed , chores routine. As you've had the down time with your D she may have forgotten what it's like. Or she could be in a new relationship and the two don't mix easily. As long as your D knows you are always there, you love having her around and just enjoy the together times she will be fine.
As she gets older it will be important for her to have friends she can hang around with when staying at yours. Perhaps taking her to a club to meet other kids when she's older may help. I wouldn't tackle her M about time with your D. I'd leave it alone as could cause a problem to start up.
I think you are right to be concerned about the quality of the time your DD spends with both you, and her mum.
The distance is a very difficult barrier to overcome - is there any way that you or your ex could move to be closer together so allowing your DD to have a more balanced relationship with each of you? As she gets older, she may begin to struggle with living away from her primary home environment every weekend - there will be parties, and clubs, events and friends that she will want to be involved with.
At the end of the day , though, if the current contact arrangements work for both parents, then your DD will adapt - it sounds like she has a positive relationship with you as her NRP, and that is often the biggest hurdle.
We have a very good relationship, I just thought it would be nice for them both to have some uninterrupted, one on ine time during the holidays.
I can't really move, I don't want to out myself but my business is at home and I really can't upsticks and move, plus the rest and house prices over there are extortionate!
If you had her 4-5 nights a week, that would make you the main carer. Did you ask for or discuss you being the RP?
I don't think you can force it though, if you are happy, and your dd is happy with the amount of contact, stick with it.
We had similar with dh's ex. She was in a new relationship and got into a routine of Friday and Saturday nights out with her new bloke, hangover recovery Sunday. School holidays she wanted to go on holiday with him, not her kids.
By my own admission, I've always let exDP have her "own way" to keep things amicable. Of course I didn't want DD to move 100 miles away but I felt as though I had no choice and didn't want to put DD through the stress of having two parents at war.
Even when I was RP (resident parent?) I paid £70 p/w maintenence etc etc. I think that If it wasn't for the money, exDP wouldn't have any issue with DD staying with me for the majority of the time.
I'm more concerned about the affect this is having on DD she has become increasingly withdrawn from her DM and seems to lack any enthusiasm when talking about her. She's mentioned herself that she doesn't get much mummy time. It sounds as though she's a bit depressed to me.
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