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To go and speak to nursery manager regarding my DNephew?

(46 Posts)
StripyYellowSocks Fri 22-May-15 11:49:14

Hello. Please give me some perspective on this issue. I don't think I did anything wrong but I will consider your opinions if you think otherwise.

My Dsis has a 7mo DS who is in nursery full time. He has been attending said nursery for about 6 weeks now with no problems, he seems to really enjoy it. One day a week DSis works very late and her Dh usually works unsocial hours. On this day I pick up my DN and look after him in their home until Dsis or Bil comes home. I offered to do this, it would save them money on having to pay for a babysitter and most importantly I love the quality time with my DN.

So last night I went to pick DN up and could see him playing through the door. There were 2 other babies and one nursery worker sitting with them, back to the door so she didn't see me. DN was happily babbling away and smiling with another baby, I thought how lovely and was just standing there watching them for a moment, smiling at this.

DN, little bugger that he is reached over and grabbed the other baby's bib and she was pulled slightly side ways. Now, I fully expected the nursery worker to tell him off with a "ah ah, we don't pull other baby's bibs. Don't do that." Or something along those lines but instead she grabbed DN's arm and roughly pulled him.away from the baby and said in a raised voice "NO! Don't be a bad boy!" DN then started to cry and she lifted him and not-very-gently set him on the other side of her, and he fell back on the floor, bumping his head. I was flabbergasted tbh, and was extremely shocked to see a nursery worker treat a 7 month old baby like this when he doesn't know any better sad

When I opened the door she turned round and when she saw it was me she very quickly lifted crying DN off the floor and hugged him saying "oh it's ok. We're just a little unsettled aren't we?". I was not impressed and asked her why he was on the floor crying. She said it was because he was tired and was falling asleep. So blatantly lied to me.

I got DN and went straight to the nursery manager, who was horrified, and reassured me she would deal with the nursery worker appropriately. I was really annoyed that someone who works with young children would be so rough and snappy with them.

When I got to DSis house I fought with myself over whether to call her or wait til.she got home. I reasoned that if it were my child I would like to be told asap, so sent her a text asking her to ring me on her next break. When she rang, I told her everything and she was very annoyed, as expected. Was a bit off with me, but I assumed she was just angry because of the way her ds was treated.

Whenever she came home later, she asked me again what exactly had happened. I went over it again and she sighed and then said in a nasty tone "why did you go to the manager for?! You should have just told me and I would have dealt with it in the morning for fuck sake, I'm his mum."

Well to be honest I was very hurt by this. Yes, of course she is his mum, but I am his aunt, and I saw everything that happened, I was just trying to protect DN, but Dsis said I "stepped on her toes" and is fairly pissed off with me sad.

WIBU to go to the nursery manager instead of letting my Dsis deal with it? I love DN and thought I was doing the right thing, I was enraged by the way be was treated and felt sad for him. If it was your DC would you have been annoyed if their aunt went and spoke to nursery manager?

Theycallmemellowjello Fri 22-May-15 11:52:30

Ordinarily I would say issues with the nursery are the parents' prerogative, but what you witnessed was so severe that it would have been irresponsible not to alert management right away. IMO it had nothing to do with the fact that it was your DN - it would have been right to report it immediately even if it had to do with a baby you didn't know.

textfan Fri 22-May-15 11:52:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cailindana Fri 22-May-15 11:53:37

Your DSis is probably feeling very upset and sensitive. There is a lot of judgement out there for mums who put their kids into full time nursery and she will be feeling very raw to learn that her DS is not being treated kindly. She might feel embarrassed that you saw what happened and worried that the nursery staff will be annoyed with her and take it out on her son. Overall it's a very stressful situation and it sounds like she's lashed out at you.

Your reaction was entirely understandable and that nursery worker is an absolute shit. As long as things are normally ok with you DSis I'd try to let this go and be a support to her - she's likely to be very upset.

VixxFace Fri 22-May-15 11:57:22

Yanbu. I would have confronted the nurse worker which probably wouldn't have been the right thing.
You definitely should have spoken to the manager especially as you saw what happened.

WorraLiberty Fri 22-May-15 11:57:23

I think I would have instinctively done the same as you OP.

I can understand however that your sister might be feeling a bit sensitive about this, as it must be all new to her.

Unless it's part of a bigger picture and your sister feels for other reasons that you're a bit over invested in his life, YANBU.

GloGirl Fri 22-May-15 11:57:26

You did nothing wrong flowers

Eigg Fri 22-May-15 11:57:31

I think your Dsis might just be feeling guilty, it must be very upsetting to think that the people you trust with your child on a daily basis aren't being kind to them.

You did the right thing. Give her a break and speak to her nicely about it apologising if she feels like you overstepped but (nicely) explaining why you did.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Fri 22-May-15 11:57:47

I think you both have a point.

I would let the dust settle and say something like 'I can see why you think I should have waited and spoken to you first, but I was very upset with what I saw and felt it was important to speak to the manager immediately. Even if it hadn't been DN, I would have reported it - that's how uncomfortable I was.'

You may just have to accept she's pissed off. She's probably feeling guilty and mentally reviewing whether she should change her childcare - it's easier to shoot the messenger sometimes, isn't it? Cut her some slack, but you did the right thing.

AvocadoLime Fri 22-May-15 11:59:14

On balance I think it was best that you told them in this scenario, but I can understand your sister's feelings. She might be feeling a bit sensitive about leaving her baby in childcare, some women feel guilty about it and upset that someone else is spending so much time with their baby instead of them, so perhaps it just struck a very raw nerve.

Maybe it would be best to just try to be understanding in this circumstance and not to take it personally. You did the right thing.

StripyYellowSocks Fri 22-May-15 12:06:40

Thank you for replying. To be honest it didn't even cross my mind that she might be feeling guilty about putting him in nursery. Aww now I feel even worse for that sad.

Genuinely thought I was doing the right thing and that Dsis would be glad that I immediately reported what I saw then she could go in and discuss it with the manager. I'm not annoyed with my Dsis at all, just very hurt she said I stepped on her toes and basically said I had no right to do what I did, when I love DN so much.

I can understand that she is annoyed that her DS was treated horribly when she entrusted the nursery worker to look after him. I just hope she gets things sorted and my DN isn't effected by this. Would hate to think they would treat him differently over what happened.

Tanith Fri 22-May-15 12:07:43

It had to be you that reported it: you were the witness and could give an accurate, first hand account of what you saw.

Not easy for your sister, though. I imagine she's feeling that you reporting something to the manager the very first time you collect is somehow a slight on her choice of nursery.

Talk to her and explain why you needed to report this, but do be sensitive. Hopefully talking it through will smooth things over for her.

Tequilashotsfor1 Fri 22-May-15 12:11:58

You did the right thing, I would have blew up at the nursary worker.

curlyweasel Fri 22-May-15 12:13:09

Lonny's advice is excellent, op.

GoodbyeToAllOfThat Fri 22-May-15 12:20:15

I would report it to the manager right away, and I think a spontaneous/unfiltered account is probably the best way to go when it comes to charges of this nature.

But your sister is probably feeling extremely raw and I'd just give her some time. I had a neighbor tell me that she saw my nanny hitting my 1 year old in the park many years ago and I was blindsided, couldn't speak to anyone but my husband for a couple of days.

SaucyJack Fri 22-May-15 12:23:57


But your sister is now in a horrible position. It's hard enough to leave your baby with people that you trust, never mind finding out that they're being quite unkind to a small baby who can't tell anyone if they're unhappy.

She probably feels awful about it all and is just lashing out.

Mermaidhair Fri 22-May-15 12:58:37

Yanbu, he is your dn and you did the right thing as his career at the time. It must have been such a shock for you, especially such a young baby. Congratulations on not strangling her on the spot! Your sil is probably feeling a bit confused and not thinking clearly. You did the right thing reporting it immediately. I feel heart broken for you dn. Poor baby wouldn't have known what was happening. It was abuse and I am disgusted in the " child care" worker. flowers

Mamus Fri 22-May-15 13:00:48

I would have thanked you for what you did! (Also I'd be looking for alternative care unless the nursery were sacking the worker, because that woman should not be looking after babies.)

Justusemyname Fri 22-May-15 13:04:08

YWNBU. You were being a loving aunt and I'd be telling your sister if she doesn't accept you are being loco parentis when you have him, ie good enough to look after him and save them money and hassle, then maybe it is best you don't pick him up.

theQuibbler Fri 22-May-15 13:16:53

No, not unreasonable at all. But as others have said, be kind to your sister - she will be feeling awful.

My neighbour saw our nanny shouting at, and hitting my 11 month yr old, and actually, physically, took my son away from her, went home, locked the door and called me.

I was very grateful to her, but the guilt and the fear (what else had been happening?) was overwhelming. Your sister will be in shock. When she calms down, I am sure she will thank you.

LittleIda Fri 22-May-15 13:17:42

That woman shouldn't be allowed to work with children. angry You did the right thing as it needed to be reported immediately by the person who saw it. I can understand your sister being upset but hopefully she will come round and be grateful to you for standing up for her son.

ElleGrace Fri 22-May-15 14:22:00

YANBU. I might have felt similarly to your Dsis IF it had been a less important matter. I would not have been openly resentful, but I would have felt like it was my responsibility to speak to the nursery, not yours.
HOWEVER this was a very serious matter that needed bringing up with a manager ASAP. IMO, you would have been acting irresponsibly if you decided not to act right there and then. Your Dsis going in and mentioning it in the morning is not the same as you, the one who saw it, complaining just minutes after the event occurred. As a previous poster has mentioned, you would have had to report the behavior regardless of whether it was your DN or not.

Arsenic Fri 22-May-15 14:31:30

I'm sure the other "nursery parents" would appreciate your actions, if they knew OP.

Babies can't tell anyone what happens to them in childcare. They need adults looking out for them whenever possible.

Royalsighness Fri 22-May-15 14:40:08

YANBU. I would have walloped the nursery worker big time.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Fri 22-May-15 15:12:53

I think you fid the right thing! You saw it after all. Otherwise it would have been: she said/ she said.

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