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To just give up?

(13 Posts)
MyIronLung Fri 22-May-15 11:23:28

This morning I've had another call from the Child support agency <snort> telling me that they can't get in contact with my childs feckless absent father. This in itself is no great surprise considering that I've had ONE £12 payment from him in the last TWO years and before that any payments were a bit hit and miss (DS is 3.9).
It seems to be beyond the csa to comprehend that a father who doesn't want to pay is probably changing his number to avoid their calls and them asking me (multiple times) for his contact number is a bit pointless. He left when DS was 1 month old and effectivly dissapeared. The CSA have the contact details that I was able to give them over 3 1/2 years ago and as I have no idea where he is or what he's doing, asking me is a complete waste of time!

At the end of the call the new changes that are going to be put in place in the next year or so we're explained to me. I was basically told that I would have to pay a one off fee of £20 to keep my case open. If I don't pay this then it will be closed and any arrears that have been added to the account (a considerable amount, even though I'm not getting them!) will be written off...WTF?! Why, when im already struggling on a low income with no support from the other parent, would I pay for the privilege of getting nothing?! But if I don't, then any chance of getting anything (mainly arrears) will go poof! There'll also be an extra 4% taken off me from any maintenence payments they receive!
What a shit and unfair system to put in place and once again, me (the parent that didn't fuck off and has been raising a child on almost thin air) is being punished whilst the other piece of human shit parent gets off scot-free, again!
So, AIBU to just forget it all? Close my account and focus on raising DS with no support, or should I contiue to try to get his father to live up to his responsibilities and support his son?

LaurieFairyCake Fri 22-May-15 11:24:55

Do you know if he works?

Or has he entirely disappeared?

MyIronLung Fri 22-May-15 11:32:43

He was working but quit his job so he wouldn't have to pay a higher rate of maintenence (he told me he would do this hmm )
He was then on benefits but I assume he kept getting sanctions, which would explain why the payments (of £5 a week) were so sporadic.
He's now completely off grid, not claiming benefits, not working (that they know of) and nowhere to be found.

I feel like I'm flogging a dead horse tbh.

Stripyhoglets Fri 22-May-15 11:40:18

I would keep the case open tbh . your child is young and he will accrue arrears which you might get back one day - he might start working at some stage thinking he's got away with it or buy a house or something, and it would be very satisfying for him to fond out he still owes you. I would never agree to writing it off - it just gets the csa's figures down and let's them and him off the hook.

curlyweasel Fri 22-May-15 11:42:49

If it were me, I'd do the former. I know it's the principle that matters, but really - is it worth investing so much emotional energy and being continuously disappointed? Better to draw a line under it and start afresh with just you and your DS. Don't waste your energy on worrying about what he's never going to give you (and what you've never had anyway). What a fucking shite bag.

CatherineOfAbdomen Fri 22-May-15 11:43:49

Agree with Stripy, keep the case open and don't let him off the hook.
He probably thinks if he can mess you about long enough you'll give up, but don't.
You must be at the end of your tether.

MyIronLung Fri 22-May-15 11:50:51

The problem is I agree with all of you grin. A big part of me wants to draw a line and forget it but part of me thinks that's just letting him get away with it.
And yes curly he is indeed a fucking shite bag.

FernGullysWoollyPully Fri 22-May-15 11:51:06

I'm in a very similar position to you. My ex disappeared. We haven't seen or heard from him in 4 years. We don't know any details for him. When they finally caught him working, he quit his job just before payment was due to be collected. He doesn't 'work', ie he pays no tax, and he's not claiming benefits so they can't do anything. I also face the prospect of paying for a service that is totally useless to me now.

I know that my ex is working cash in hand, he has bragged to some friends of mine about how much work he's got at the moment.

Meanwhile my DH and I support the dc totally. I've come to the end of the road with the csa, I've reported my ex to hmrc and we have just started the process with social services to remove my ex from my dc's life completely.

popalot Fri 22-May-15 11:59:26

One day, when these feckless fathers are taking their final breaths, they will think 'I wish I had been a good father. I know I have been a total waste. I wish I had my child with me now to comfort me. I am so alone.'

In the meantime, I gave up the chase a long time ago. It frees you from his lack of empathy and you will learn to simply pity him because of what he has missed out on.

curlyweasel Fri 22-May-15 12:03:51

Well, I can only go on my own experience and it worked for me. Just wasn't worth all the angst and resentment I was feeling. DD's dad was just not interested her or her wellbeing. If he even wanted to see her I might have compromised.

So, no, I don't feel like I've let him "get away with it" because ultimately I want him to have nothing to do with her. It's been a struggle financially, I won't lie, but we managed.

AlpacaMyBags Fri 22-May-15 12:04:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaurieFairyCake Fri 22-May-15 12:14:09

I'd pay the £20.

Have you tried finding him yourself? Mumsnetters are like Nancy fucking Drewgrin - you could ask about?

If he's working (and really he must be if you're not getting his fiver) then find the fucker

MyIronLung Fri 22-May-15 13:19:09

Thanks for the replies. smile
I think I'm going to keep the case open but not expect anything to come of it. That way I won't feel any disappointment when nothing comes of it. It's just so frustrating and sad.

It's ds I feel most sorry for, if we had that extra little bit of cash coming in then maybe he could do some kind of activity that at the moment I just can't fund.

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