brother invited his long lost daughter on my family holiday (that he isn't going on)

(166 Posts)
help14993 Thu 21-May-15 02:25:57

Long story short, my brother has serious boundary problems. Before he has turned up on the beach when my family were on holiday with no accomodation and nowhere to stay, and once found out where we were going a booked a hotel in the same spot.
He's a bit of a loner, doesn't have any friends at all and is very socially awkward. He was married once over 20 years ago and it broke up and he has never seen the daughter since, and fell out massively as didn't pay child support and massive custody rows. He got back in contact a few years ago with her but hasn't seen her as she lives in the USA.
For my daughters 21st we are taking a big trip out to new York (her, her boyfriend my older daughter my husband and I). Without telling us, my brother has invited his daughter along who my children have never met, to go with us and stay. She sent me an email letting me know she would be coming and was very excited
Obviously I have nothing against this girl, she's had a hard life and I don't want to hurt her feelings. My daughters and her are very different, and have never spoken, and will now have to essentially look after her for the holiday, and its likely my brother will now inist on coming himself (which would ruin the trip, none of my family members get along with him he is very very hard work).
I'm so worried this will ruin my daughters 21st, and they are upset as will no longer have the freedom they expected to have as they won't be unkind and leave her with us. I'm sure they'd love to meet her but that just wasn't what this trip was meant to be about. Obviously this is going to be a big thing for her never having met us and could be very angry etc, its just turning into a bit of a circus and I don't know what to do
Wwyd?

AlpacaMyBags Thu 21-May-15 02:28:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

help14993 Thu 21-May-15 02:34:44

We can't, she doesn't live near new York. She's flying out specifically to spend it with us, and my brother isn't going

IggyStrop Thu 21-May-15 02:45:09

Have you replied to her excited email? Has she booked flights?

mojo17 Thu 21-May-15 02:50:11

Shitty situation he's put you in
How old is the daughter?
I think you need to tell your brother that you will only be able to see her for one day and if she is ok with that then you will love to see her
Lay it on the line with him not communicating with you properly and ask him what else he suggests she do or what other plans she has in New York
Put it back in his court how he's treated his own daughter and don't accept that it is now up to you to just go along with it as you sound as if you're already thinking it's going to happen
Are you able to talk to the daughter or her mother and explain?

yearofthegoat Thu 21-May-15 03:04:11

Totally agree with mojo. How dare he do this to you and your family? This isn't your problem as you didn't invite her. Don't let your brother guilt you into entertaining someone who is a stranger on your DD's 21st birthday trip.

As others say, you could offer to meet up with her for a day or for lunch somewhere. Do not offer to have her with you all the time- she is a grown woman who can entertain herself in a big city. If she can't then she should cancel the flights and stay home. It is just not fair on your family to offer more time.

If the flights haven't been booked, then you need to talk to her and her mother so that they know what the score is.

HobnobsandTea Thu 21-May-15 03:15:08

You say she is very different to your daughters, how do you know? It sounds as if she has had no contact at all with you or your family. I would think it strange that a grown adult would want to go on a trip with strangers. Presumably she would be paying for herself? Then do as pp's have advised and suggest one outing or one lunch and be done with that.

thingsarelookingup Thu 21-May-15 03:15:52

That sounds so awful. I can relate becausey own brother is similar and would have no idea what he did was wrong and no ability to fix it without making everything a million times worse. So I'm not sure that telling your brother to fix it will work on this case either. Can you speak directly to her mother to explain what's happened and try to limit your time to just a day or so as others have suggested?

AnImpalaCalledBABY Thu 21-May-15 03:21:31

I think you should email her and tell her that there has been a misunderstanding and that while you'd love to meet her, her joining you on holiday won't be possible. Then maybe arrange some other time to meet

Then I'd get in touch with your brother and tell him in no uncertain terms what a selfish inconsiderate arsehole he is

Apart from anything else this is a special trip for your daughter, no one should be allowed to ruin that. So even if you feel guilty (though of course none of this is your fault) just remember you're putting your dd first

help14993 Thu 21-May-15 03:23:02

Her mother and her do not have a great relationship either, and she wouldn't speak to me as my brother didn't pay her child support. I know that if I cause any fuss on this my father and brother will act like I had made my brother loose his daughter forever and I will never be forgiven for it
I don't know what to do for the best, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but my husband is going to hit the roof
FYI the girl is very tomboy, into fishing camping no make up etc, whereas my two are very girly at uni so into clubbing etc. Could be very different when we meet her that's purely from Facebook

Iflyaway Thu 21-May-15 03:26:44

I agree. Don't be steamrollered into a situation you didn't create.

I do find it very strange she's already booked(?) her ticket/organised it without even getting in touch with you to discuss it.

madwomanbackintheattic Thu 21-May-15 03:26:51

I don't understand - did you send your brother your flight and hotel details?
Offer it as a family thing?

If not, I would reply to the adult daughter and let her know that it is just your immediate family travelling, and as her father isn't coming, you suggest she makes an alternative plan.

If you want to be nice, suggest that she discusses a visit to the UK with her dad so the cousins can get to know each other, but apologise and say that on this occasion he must have misunderstood - this is a small private celebration and wider family including her father are not invited. Once she has arranged her visit to her dad, you will arrange a time to call round and say hi.

AnImpalaCalledBABY Thu 21-May-15 03:27:58

Who cares what your father and brother say? You haven't caused this situation he has!

You will never please people like your brother so don't tie yourself in knots trying. Enjoy your holiday with the people you love and let your brother deal with the fallout of his own making. You are not the bad guy here, don't let anyone guilt trip you

HobnobsandTea Thu 21-May-15 03:31:38

Did you tell your brother all the details? How did your niece get your email?

madwomanbackintheattic Thu 21-May-15 03:34:54

I am lolling that hunting and fishing obviously preclude both university and clubbing though. And no make up. Heavens. This backwoods gal wold obv struggle in the big city grin
Dd1 has plenty of chalk and cheese friends. Even some that hunt. And wear make up.
But on this occasion the point is moot - you don't have to justify uninviting her with convoluted makeup rationale. Just say sorry but no.

WhereYouLeftIt Thu 21-May-15 03:35:11

"I know that if I cause any fuss on this my father and brother will act like I had made my brother loose his daughter forever and I will never be forgiven for it"
It's nothing to do with your father, the fact that you fear his reaction speaks volumes. And you are not causing any fuss, you are pointing out that your brother is a twat has misunderstood the nature of your trip.

Besides, in a choice between DH and DDs versus boundaryless father and brother - it's really no contest.

"my husband is going to hit the roof"
Which is the correct response to this situation. And maybe he could hit the roof in your brother's/father's direction and get them to clean up their mess?

MokunMokun Thu 21-May-15 03:37:33

I really agree with Impala.

You said that your brother has problems with boundaries so you need to be firm in setting some. Your father may enable his awful behaviour but you shouldn't. This is your daughter's celebration, I assume it must have cost a lot of money so why are you letting this spoil things?

Be firm, be strong and suggest either a day together or a trip to the UK another time.

munchkinmaster Thu 21-May-15 04:10:06

Thing is it won't be this holiday which loses the daughter for ever and ever. That would be dear bro caking like a dick her whole childhood and not paying his child support.

She won't talk to you? What do you mean?

Strokethefurrywall Thu 21-May-15 04:17:59

Why the fuck would you even entertain the thought of having a virtual stranger join your family holiday?!
Email her and say sorry but no, and lay it all at her fathers feet.
Then email our brother and tell him he a twat.
Stand up for yourself and your family. Or failing that, have yor DH do it if you're not strong enough to.

help14993 Thu 21-May-15 04:24:35

The mother has nothing to do with the family due to what my brother has done, I wouldn't even be able to find contact details for her. This is the first time the girl has passed out an olive branch to the family which is why I'm finding it so hard to say no

Coyoacan Thu 21-May-15 04:30:47

It is better to say no now, OP, than let the entire trip be ruined and the poor niece have to endure a bad atmosphere, which is what will most likely happen.

however Thu 21-May-15 04:33:01

Can you bite the bullet, pick up the phone and call her? It sounds awkward and I understand why you're hesitating. Her father is useless, he's let her down, she's had a tough upbringing and in a small way you are family I guess. it's not easy to just say no.

wibbleywee Thu 21-May-15 05:02:28

I feel really bad for your niece but you need to toughen up and think about your daughter. Its her special 21st trip, she shouldn't have to spend it with someone who she doesn't know and who could potentially make things awkward. Email her and say wires have been crossed and maybe offer an alternative trip to the uk instead, you need to 'man up' a bit though

derxa Thu 21-May-15 05:13:25

If I was you I would let her come. She is your niece.

lunalelle Thu 21-May-15 05:25:24

Tbh, I would also just let her come.

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