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AIBU to ask my husband to collect the children once a week?

(94 Posts)
MrsAiolfi Wed 20-May-15 14:51:14

I work full time, my husband works full time, yet I do 95% of childcare and housework. I do all the laundry, tidying, I make all the packed lunches, meals and I collect the children every single day. I start work 15 minutes earlier than everyone else so I can leave 15 minutes earlier to reach the nursery my youngest is at.

This morning I suggested that on a Sunday he chooses a day that suits and he collects the kiddies that day, meaning I don't have to "chip off early" and I can put in an extra hour or so at work (new boss, keen to impress, etc). It would also mean that he might understand how stressful the time between 4.45 and 6.30 is - pick up dinner, homework, and ensuring the children are emotionally cared for. I have a work event this Friday and he has to collect the children, I had to text him the minute I found out about it (early last week), and remind him each day since. If he is going out for work drinks, or to meet a friend, or to play tennis, he doesn't need to book it in, he doesn't need to send me 26 reminders before and on the day of, he just does it.

If he earned A LOT more than me then I would understand, but currently I ear almost the same as him, yet I still should all the "mum duties" including getting up in the night to care for a sick child or taking days holiday to take the kids to the dentist. I worry about resentment building and damaging our relationship long term, I also worry about our roles affecting the way our children will act when they are adults...

Advice would be gratefully received, he was none to pleased with the argument that ensued this morning and I am keen to avoid further shouting (mainly from me).

AuntyMag10 Wed 20-May-15 14:54:36

Yadnbu! In fact you both should split the week pick ups. He is being massively selfish to expect you to do all of it especially when you are working and contributing as much as him.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Wed 20-May-15 14:59:30

Why has this arrangement become the norm? Has he ever shouldered half the chores and childcare? Why has it been allowed to become the norm?

YANBU at all to demand a set day a week that he collects the kids.

YWBVU to leave it at only that changibg.

BlackeyedSusan Wed 20-May-15 15:02:07

he needs to do half of the chores too.

MrsAiolfi Wed 20-May-15 15:02:14

Thanks ladies, but how do I make the change? Has anyone been through a similar change? I used to be a SAHM for 4 years, then worked part time for a year and now work full time. Those jobs were all mine and somehow have mostly remained mine... Should I draw up a list of everything outside of work that I do and ask him to choose some of the tasks?

antimatter Wed 20-May-15 15:02:48

Once a week is not a lot to ask for but this isn't the argument.

I think you need to sit him down and discuss how would you like to divide family chores from now on.

bakingtins Wed 20-May-15 15:03:07

I think it's v easy to fall into the roles when you are the SAHP on mat leave, and then for the WP not to pick up any slack when you return to work. If you both work similar hours all the housework and childcare should be split equally. It would be very difficult for him to argue otherwise, you need to sit him down and re-divide responsibilities.

nickersinaknot Wed 20-May-15 15:03:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BathtimeFunkster Wed 20-May-15 15:06:44

Why are you allowing your children to grow up watching you be treated like a skivvy just because you are a woman?

What are they learning about how much their father loves them by seeing clearly with their own two eyes that he resents doing anything for them at all?

Why don't you think it is totally out of order that your husband swans about with the life of a single man except with you doing all his shitwork?

And you bring in a wage too?

Are you out of your mind?

Does he have a golden cock that ejaculates diamonds?

It's the only possible explanation for accepting that he is the master of the house and you submit to his wonderfulness by being his servant.

Stillwishihadabs Wed 20-May-15 15:07:33

Have you read wifework ? There is a bit in it where she says that those who are advantaged by a system will resist change. I try to remember this when having the type of conversation I suspect you have just had. Just state your POV calmly, don't shout back. Oh and stop reminding him if he forgets it's his problem.

formerbabe Wed 20-May-15 15:10:20

I think it's outrageous that nowadays so many women are expected to work full time yet also fulfill the entire role of a sahm! Op...yanbu!

KittensOnAPlane Wed 20-May-15 15:10:56

He's got in to the habit of you doing the main caring role, while you were a SAHM

I would suggest that you make a list of all the things you do, and sit down and talk about it, and then work out how best to share the work.

NeitherHereOrThere Wed 20-May-15 15:11:12

If you both work f/t, regardless of who earns more - after all its all family money, childcare and housework should be shared equally so that you both get equal amounts of childfree leisure time.

If he refuses, stop doing his chores for him - ironing, laundry, shopping, cooking, washing up etc.

Metalguru Wed 20-May-15 15:12:53

This situation exists more in RL than on mumsnet, not that that makes it right, it's not at all, but things often end up getting to this stage as we slip into roles whilst on ML and then things don't get redistributed once we go back to work. Your DH has it very, very good and probably doesn't even realise it. There will be arguments and sulking but you have to be straight with him and show him how unbalanced things are, and how you feel they should be- put it in two lists if it helps. I inwardly seethe at how selfish some of my friends DH's are, but it is down to you to force the change, don't be wishy washy, and stop reminding him about things.

BathtimeFunkster Wed 20-May-15 15:13:58

Here's the list I'd be giving him:

1. We both work
2. We both have children
3. We share a house
4. 50% of the responsibility for the house and children is yours
5. Or 3 will cease to be the case
6. Do you actually love me? Because you treat me like utter shit.

KittensOnAPlane Wed 20-May-15 15:22:25

how about a list more like


etc that would be more useful and less toxic - Save bathtimes one if this one doesnt work

BathtimeFunkster Wed 20-May-15 15:22:51

And you earn nearly the same as him despite taking years out to SAHM and leaving early every day to pick up your children.

These are the ways that men oppress women.

How can this prick live with himself watching you do all of this stuff and then get pissed off that you ask for him to look after his own children occasionally?

hellsbellsmelons Wed 20-May-15 15:26:08

Yes draw up a list.
I did this many years ago with my ExH.
It's not that he wasn't doing anything just not enough.
It was very productive and everything was sorted out.
I hope it goes the same for you.

OnlyLovers Wed 20-May-15 15:26:09

I agree with Bathtime's list up to a point but think it should go:

1. We both work
2. We both have children
3. We share a house
4. 50% of the responsibility for the house and children is yours

5 and 6 can be discussed if he is utterly stupid necessary.

Rebecca2014 Wed 20-May-15 15:27:22

I despair of the female sex, why do we allow ourselves to be treated this way? You sound like a single parent.

What is he bringing to your life? Seriously?

sharonthewaspandthewineywall Wed 20-May-15 15:28:03

Does he have a golden cock that ejaculates diamonds?


BathtimeFunkster Wed 20-May-15 15:29:03

Definitely not a list like

1) ironing
2) hoovering

that's a list for a housemate. Not a husband.

Your list should be more like this:

1 Monday
2 Tuesday
3 Wednesday
4 Thursday
5 Friday
6 Saturday
7 Sunday

With the instruction

"Please tick off the four full days per week when you will be 100% responsible for all domestic work, including childcare.

We can revisit after 1 year and see about sharing the load 50-50, but for now you owe me."

Topseyt Wed 20-May-15 15:34:44

You are both working full time, so things need to be shared more evenly.

Why can't he do two or three pick-ups or drop-offs, cook dinner once in a while, do bathtime?

Remind him that they are his children too. That was what I did if push came to shove.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Wed 20-May-15 15:35:15

It's scary how you turn round and find yourself doing everything.

Make a list
Discuss calmly who will be doing what in future
Also buy wifework

MrsAiolfi Wed 20-May-15 15:36:39

I have drawn up a list by days of the week and will discuss with him this evening. It's easy to judge, but it's also easy to fall into a routine and also, a lot of the time it's easier just to get on with stuff. I won't NOT feed the children because I am a woman and I should only do it 50% of the time... It was less difficult for me to get to alter my hours in the office to allow me to early. And I am 100% sure mother's brains are wired differently. I don't know a single husband that, on the drive home from work, wonders if there is bread for tomorrow's packed lunches!!

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