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DCs and my birthday...

(167 Posts)
VelvetSpoon Tue 19-May-15 13:37:45

It was my birthday at the weekend. I was away with my bf. Had a nice break, though on the last day I missed my DC and was looking forward to coming home.

DC are teens. On my return home yesterday the house was a tip...rubbish in the bin, piles of washing up, laundry etc. I was expecting this to an extent, but was still pretty fed up.

When the DC came in from school both barely acknowledged my presence. Neither said happy birthday. I said did they have a present for me...both looked shifty. No present was forthcoming.

A couple of hours later DS2 disappeared out with his father. I asked DS1 where he'd gone, he said to his dads to pick up my birthday present.

DS2 appeared an hour later with a hastily written card (not signed by DS1) a somewhat token candle and a scrawny bunch of flowers.

I said I wasn't impressed by the lack of effort in not even having a card ready, and that I didn't like the presents (I am really fussy about flowers, which they know. And candles are a pretty pointless present), and I wish they hadn't bothered. Or just given me the £5 they'd spent (or probably scrounged off their dad) and bought myself something.

AIBU? I make a lot of effort for their birthdays, always have done, and I feel they are old enough now to do a little better than they did. I suspect my feelings were compounded by a) the state of the house and b) not getting any other cards except one from my bf. Have come to work today and no ones mentioned it here either. Meh.

DragonMamma Tue 19-May-15 13:42:43

How old are they

I would be upset to not have a card ready for you but I think your words about the flowers (whether you're notoriously fussy, or not) and the candle are quite spiteful and childish.

addstudentdinners2 Tue 19-May-15 13:44:54

YANBU. But not unusual I suspect. I am the eldest and if I didn't rally my siblings into doing nice things for our DM on her birthday I doubt they'd even remember it.

I assume as your DC were old enough to be left for the weekend they are more than capable of doing something nice for your birthday. When I was a kid we had no money so I couldn't really do presents but we would tidy up the house nicely and make her a cake.

VelvetSpoon Tue 19-May-15 13:46:01

They are 14 and 16. They have at least £50 between them in cash, in the house (not that I expect them to spend that much,I'm mentioning it to make it clear they could have bought a card in advance themselves. Also we live near lots of shops and the bus for which they have a free pass stops just along from our house).

diddl Tue 19-May-15 13:48:45

The house being a tip would bother me the most tbh, that & no "Happy Birthday".

" I said did they have a present for me."

shock I had no idea that anyone over about 5 did that!

Hobby2014 Tue 19-May-15 13:49:37

I agree with pp that the candle/flowers comments aren't nice.
But I totally get it. They could have had a tidy house for your arrival, with a card and a bunch of flowers on the table waiting for you. Then it wouldn't matter that they weren't the right flowers or whatever, but effort was made for you.

Mrsstarlord Tue 19-May-15 13:55:52

I agree with others, they should have made the effort in terms of tidying up and writing a card but your demands for a present and comments about the flowers and candle were out of order and pretty truculent.

winkywinkola Tue 19-May-15 13:58:24

You should expect a card, flowers and a cake. And a tidy home as a given birthday or not.

So maybe don't make such an effort for their birthdays next time. Let them know how it feels.

Also start a housework rota for them.

MrsTedCrilly Tue 19-May-15 13:58:43

YANBU about the house and maybe a card, also the not acknowledging my presence would hugely piss me off. Their dad could have reminded them just incase.
But the presents.. I don't expect presents as an adult and especially not off teens! If I ever get anything it's a bonus.

viva100 Tue 19-May-15 14:01:04

Ok, disappointed about your kids not saying happy bday and not cleaning up - I understand.
But expecting cards and presents from them? I never did that for my mum. Also, you got your bday celebration with your bf.

And for people at work to remember too? Are you 12? At my work we each bring cake and leave it in the kitchen when it's our birthday. I've never expected anyome at work to remember my birthday.

addstudentdinners2 Tue 19-May-15 14:02:41

who are the people who didn't get cards/presents for their mum as a child?! was I weird?! It would never have occurred to me not to.

addstudentdinners2 Tue 19-May-15 14:03:10

But YABU about work, I doubt anyone at work would even know it was my birthday

TwinkieTwinkle Tue 19-May-15 14:03:17

I thought you were talking adult teens. Not a 14 year old. Any complaint you did have became meaningless when your son did make the effort and you told him you didn't like what he got you. Also, you asked where your present was? Really? Not even 'Do you have a card for me?' But right in their for the present. I think YABU and I think your son probably deserves an apology for your nastiness.

maudpringles Tue 19-May-15 14:05:42

Maybe they were pissed off at being left out?
Why don't you ask them why they had made such little effort?

TheIronGnome Tue 19-May-15 14:11:11

What's been done for you by them on previous birthdays of yours?

mumeeee Tue 19-May-15 14:11:29

YANBU about the untidy house but you are being a bit unreasonable about the present. Yes they did give it to you a bit late but they did give you something. A candle and flowers would be fine for me.

VelvetSpoon Tue 19-May-15 14:13:26

I think I actually said did they have anything for me. The blank looks made it apparent they'd not even remembered it was my birthday.

Possibly I am a bit demanding. But both my parents died when I was in my early 20s, I have no siblings or other family. So I'm not exactly inundated with cards and gifts. That means the ones I do get are pretty important to me.

I have signed 20+ birthday cards at work this year, hence it niggles slightly no one has even said happy birthday let alone given me a card!

VelvetSpoon Tue 19-May-15 14:15:55

In previous years DS1 has bought a reasonable present on behalf of both of them...a book, wine, chocolate, nice flowers I actually like, that kind of thing. He is actually pretty good at choosing presents but clearly couldn't be arsed this year and left it to DS2 who has no idea and probably bought the first things he saw in Asda.

Notso Tue 19-May-15 14:16:31

What usually happens on your birthday? If this is the first time you've left them to it then perhaps that's why they are clueless.

The comments about the candle and flowers make you sound awful tbh. Would you have still said that if they had had that ready for your return.

grannytomine Tue 19-May-15 14:16:44

I said I wasn't impressed by the lack of effort in not even having a card ready, and that I didn't like the presents

Well after a response like that I hope you aren't holding your breath for next year. If I was one of your kids you really wouldn't be getting anything.

AuntyMag10 Tue 19-May-15 14:17:09

They sound like selfish people. Being teens doesn't excuse it.

grannytomine Tue 19-May-15 14:17:51

Is your 16 year old doing GCSE's this year? Maybe he had other things on his mind.

Notso Tue 19-May-15 14:17:56

X-post sorry

MummyLuce Tue 19-May-15 14:31:39

Erm, you were being extremely rude. You don't ask people if they have a
Present for you(unless you're a toddler) and if someone presents you with a gift, you always always always say "thank you very much, that's lovely". Even if it's crap and thoughtless and late. It's just what grown ups with manners do. Yes, your children were thoughtless and it's upsetting. But remember to be a normal grown up.

And of course you make more effort on their birthdays! You're their mother!!!

addstudentdinners2 Tue 19-May-15 14:32:42

Is your 16 year old doing GCSE's this year? Maybe he had other things on his mind.

I am always hmm about attitudes like this. I don't see why doing GCSE's means he couldn't think to get his mother a birthday card or clean up for himself!

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