Who is responsible for the clothes?(27 Posts)
Background: Ex and I have been divorced 3 years, 3 DC he has one overnight a week, attends all school stuff and is involved with DC out of school events etc. We get on reasonably ok, but only contact is around DC etc.
Four weeks ago he text to say he needed DC on a Sunday (not his usual day) for a christening they were going to. I replied ok no problem just let me know times (he needed them 10am - 6pm).
He turned up at 10am and I sent kids outside. Two seconds later he knocks on the door and asks why they aren't ready? I asked what he meant, he says why aren't they in christening clothes (in other words special occasion outfits).
It hadn't occurred to me that he expected me to provide outfits suitable for a christening, they were clean and dressed in normal clothes but I had done the girls hair as he can't put it up in plaits. I don't have special occasion clothes for them, the last time they needed them was a year ago for a wedding and they've grown out of them.
He then says well the christening is at 11 where the hell am I supposed to get clothes from now, you knew I was taking them to a christening etc etc. I said 'well its not really my responsibility sorry'. He stormed off with the DC and took them to the christening in their normal clothes.
Later on I got a text saying how ridiculous and embarrassing it was taking them in normal clothes and why didn't I mention to him that he would need to bring clothes. TBH I presumed he would be picking them up and taking them to his to get changed. He has clothes for them at his house and they ware 'his' clothes when they are with him.
So AIBU in thinking it was his responsibility? Or would you have put them in 'special' outfits
I would have prob clarified it early but hindsight is a great thing. He didn't ask you to get them outfits?
If they already had something smart I would have put them in those, but I wouldn't go out and spend money on outfits that will only get worn once for an occasion which was his responsibility. He should have checked they had suitable clothes when he first mentioned the christening and if not, should have bought them something himself. Hibu!
I think yanbu. If he wanted them specially dressed he should have either provided clothes, or said 'can you do me a favour and make sure theyre in nice clothes, I'll give you the money when I see you.' Or something like that. If the situation was reversed I bet you wouldn't just expect him to know without you saying anything.
Your not his wife anymore but he seems to think you are responsible for the "wifework" still. It was his job to ensure they had suitable clothing not yours.
Especially as you say they have clothes for his house and separate ones for yours. My DCs take a change of clothes with them to their dad's and he drops off the dirty ones with their toys etc the next day, but I still wouldn't buy them outfits for something he was taking them to.
He didn't mention outfits. Literally 'can I have the kids x day, we've got a christening to go to?' 'yes thats fine, let me know times' '10am-6pm, they will have eaten so don't worry about dinner' 'ok no problem'
That was it!
Poor communication really, he needs to think in advance if he wants to treat dc as dress up dolls to show off and if that requires clothes they don't have it needs to be discussed.
On the other hand I do make sure DC have 1 smart outfit that fits, however, whether they wear it after I've told them others might be dressed up - that's up to them.(though it's s bit weird at a baptism which is in a normal congregation service).
Any embarassment is his own really.
If he usually provides clothes at his (do they get a choice) then he's even more unreasonable as surely that's the arrangement.
If he wanted them dressed in fancy stuff, he should have made sure they were.
Somehow I dont think any one actually cared, apart from him what clothes they were dressed in. All focus would be on baby.
Yanbu. He should have asked to have them stay over at his house the night before, or picked them up earlier in the morning so he could have got them dressed himself how he wanted. Idiot.
Bet he wouldn't think to return them to you dressed appropriately after an overnight stay, if you were taking them somewhere special the next day!
A lot of NRP seem to expect the RP to just do all these little things for them. Well no, they are parents too and should think ahead!
It was a misscommunication, but i agree that if it is his event it is his responsibility to check and double check the details.
I understand where he's coming from. Pick up at 10 I wouldn't expect him to go abd get them changed before a christening.
But if you don't own smart clothes I understand that too.
Crossed wires I think. He shoukd stop moaning about it though. You're not psychic.
I can see why you're divorced!
Still going on about it later... How exhausting.
YANBU. He is being ridiculous.
Anything clean and neat is okay for a child to wear to a christening, anyway.
Well DD was wearing a Rolling Stones stick out tongue tshirt so probably not church appropriate.
Agree communication could have been better
It was a communication problem, but it was his responsibility to make sure communication was effective. Also his responsibility to make sure they were dressed for a christening.
He was being ridiculous.
If he had wanted them dressed up he should have bought clothes and dropped them off previously.
YANBU the agreement you have with your Ex is very similar to what I do with mine. But if he wanted the boys dressed up, it's up to him to provide the clothes, or ask if I had anything suitable. It's not your fault your ex didn't comunicate what he wanted. I would tell me ex where to go, if he messaged me like that.
Yanbu, it was up to your ex to organise all of the details. If he expected them to be dressed, Then he should have asked you to have them ready to go, and dropped off clothes if you didn't have anything appropriate. It sounds like he is still in married man mode, expecting you to be a mind reader and do everything. Hopefully he will see sense soon and apologise
I thought he was being unreasonable until you said what your daughter was wearing. If you were taking her to a church event would she go like that?
YANBU - if my ex takes DS out for speacial occasion then he buys the clothes for it - or DS does have a couple of shirts that he might wear but I certainly don't sort it.
If we take my DS's out then we get them the clothes to wear.
Same as holidays - if we take them we get them all clothes (DH's Ex has never even sent so much as a pair of knickers - not even bras for DSD) although Dh's ex is taking them away this year for first time and has already started hinting at us taking them shopping for new holiday clothes.
If you had smart clothes he should have asked you to dress them ready. You're not a mind reader. Communication works both ways.
As you didn't have suitable clothes it was up to him to buy them if he wanted.
Granny, I didn't think she would be going to church in the tshirt. I presumed ex would be taking them to get changed.
His responsibility to get them ready for his event.
If that meant providing them with something to wear that you could get them ready in before he picked them up, or picking them up earlier so he could get them changed at his house, that's what he should have done.
You did your bit by doing their hair nicely as you knew he wouldn't be able to do it himself. It's not unreasonable for you to think he could manage to get them dressed though.
He's just assumed you'd do everything for him, and he should really have asked if he'd wanted you to get them dressed up.
YANBU. Why is it your responsibility to supply appropriate clothes for occasions he's going to? He has responsibility too. If he'd asked politely I may have considered putting them in smart clothes but not to extent of buying new. Since he's being a tit about it (and you know he's been complaining at the christening about you) I wouldn't bother in the future if he asked.
My ex likes to pull clothes stunts. When we first split I would put them in nice clothes. After 6 weeks of jeans/trousers for each DC (so 12 pairs) and two lots of brand new trainers trashed "accidentally", I went nuclear. DCs now go in their worn clothes/shoes for visits.
You knew they were going to a christening, he picked them up from you, I would have assumed to get them ready in appropriate clothes. To not do so seems pathetic and wanting to cause an argument
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