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To be fed up being grilled on choosing not to have more DC

(17 Posts)
Fanfeckintastic Sun 17-May-15 11:22:40

Me and DP are both 27 with a 4 year old DD, own a 2 bed apartment outright and really enjoy our not much more than minimum wage jobs, work hard, enjoy time as a family and often get time to ourselves (a night or two away a couple of times a year, dinner or the cinema every few weeks etc nothing extreme but just nice) we really like our lives.

However I have two separate friends who are 10+ years older than me who both have one DC each after years of fertility treatment and one very expensive surrogacy. Both would absolutely love another child and seem to take offense to me choosing not to have another. I'm really getting so sick and tired of being asked about my plans, the look of disappointment, "poor DD being made an only chid by choice" comments, being asked about my coil and told it might still happen (hardly what I want considering I've had an instrument inserted in me to prevent it)

I like both these women but I just can't face the grueling grilling I get anymore. It makes me feel so guilty but equally irritated.

AuntyMag10 Sun 17-May-15 11:30:13

Yanbu, but you can either stew about it in silence or confront them about what business is it of theirs.

LeBearPolar Sun 17-May-15 11:32:21

I sympathise. DS is 12 now and everyone has accepted that I am not choosing to have another one but I have been judged as well - I am "cruel" for not having another child apparently.

DH, DS and I really like our lives too: we are comfortable both emotionally and materially. We can all afford to do things we want to and have a close and loving family environment. DS has plenty of friends and at his age, is out more than he's in at his various activities with his mates these days.

But that feeling of somehow having done something wrong in the eyes of society never completely goes away. It seems irrelevant to some people that having just one child was the best thing to do for my mental well-being; apparently I was meant to sacrifice myself on the altar of child-bearing.

I have just gritted my teeth and got through it - it does fade as your child gets older and people become accustomed to the decision.

Remember that the specific friends you mention are judging you as a reaction to their own circumstances rather than yours so try to be kinder to them than they are being to you!

ppeatfruit Sun 17-May-15 11:35:45

You could attack them by mentioning 'having too many children is not good for the environment" or whatever. I think that a lot of people have children for stupid reasons and then actually regret it (read some of the threads on here) which is IMO an extremely selfish thing to do. I feel sorry for the children involved.

Or just drop them and find some more amenable friends.

Fanfeckintastic Sun 17-May-15 11:46:27

Thanks for the replies! LeBear that's exactly it, we really enjoy our lives and neither of us feel like another child would add to it, personally I think it would really take away from it in many ways.

ppeat I agree, it's like choosing NOT to is a much bigger deal thaw choosing TO.

I probably would let the friendships drift but we are really only friends for playdates and the children really enjoy them so I'm going to have to kindly nip the questions in the bud because it's really getting to me.

Cornettoninja Sun 17-May-15 11:56:25

I don't really understand why an only child would feel any different if their parents had wanted another child to one whose parents consciously made that decision? It's a bit arse about face to me.

Tbh I reckon they're projecting. Infertility is awful and takes away so many choices that you grow up thinking are a biological right. I'd love at least two but statistically I'll be lucky to end up with the one I'm currently cultivating. It's been a hard road and I admit I would be slightly stumped why anyone wouldn't want what I want. That would be fleeting never pass my lips though because we're all different. My ideals and wants mean a big fat fuck all to anyone else and so they should.

By their logic myself and them are selfish for embarking on a family at all knowing the realities of family size. I'm kind of surprised that particularly people who've struggled are the ones getting judgy and making comments to you. Surely they've experienced this kind of personal comment themselves.

Anyway, you're best off ignoring and cutting dead any conversation that starts heading that way. This is very much their issue.

sparkysparkysparky Sun 17-May-15 12:06:37

Who the heck makes remarks to their friends about how many children they have or why they don't have any?

Minionionionion Sun 17-May-15 12:08:38

We have one DD and since I was pregnant with her we have been asked when we are having the next one, like you for all the same/similar reasons we have decided to stop at one.

Another poster mentioned at being judged by others standards and for me that rings true, friends are ether single dreaming of more, having a second, or relatives who have had 2 or more children.

I think that they just don't understand our choice, however, I don't think they ever will, we now have a blanket response which is "no thanks" and that's it, I find it's harder to open a discussion on it as they just done understand any of our reasons.

I try to smile and let them get on with it, the same as I do when they comment on other areas of life that are not up for negotiation (but that's another threadwink)

Amber76 Sun 17-May-15 12:14:49

Sometimes people are just making small talk - it's not a personal attack. I agree it's annoying though.

jeanmiguelfangio Sun 17-May-15 12:14:56

I know the feeling, i get this all the time at groups with other mums, even in asda yesterday when i saw an acquaintance. Seriously back off!!! My daughter is 2 now and all the time i get, time for another one?

We are happy as a three, and actually i dont think i could have another one emotionally or mentally. I'm done, why can't people just accept it and sod off

<gets off soap box>

Mostlyjustaluker Sun 17-May-15 12:19:07

Just tell them it will getting the way of your new hobby, dogging and would they like to come along and try it out. Every time they mention mention dogging and they will soon stopping saying anything. grin

wheresthelight Sun 17-May-15 12:23:48

I get this a lot too and it annoys me but people will always have their opinions and a lack of common decency to not mention it.

I have dd who was a complete surprise after nearly 20 years of being told I was infertile and now everyone seems to think I should be trying for a second. I had long since reconciled myself to not having kids, being pregnant really screwed me up mentally, physically I was violently sick from the day of conception through to the day of birth. Dp has 2 older kids. imo my family is complete. dd gets to have the best of both worlds, she is effectively an only child as there is a 9 year age gap between her and dsd and 10 to dss so although they are close and the older 2 dote on her there will come a time when they find her a pita

I have taken to just being blunt with the idiots who persist in shouting about their opinions. I don't want any more, dd is my miracle and with 3 between us we are done.

awombwithaview Sun 17-May-15 13:01:12

No YANBU. Whether you have one child or ten, the choice is yours and no one else's. We have two very close in age (less than a year) and it's been really hard. Because they're so close in age people seem to think it means I'm planning on more; no idea why. I genuinely don't know if we will have any more and I say that, but in the early days with DS arriving so soon after DD I would flatly tell people no, I'm done, my plate is full. These days I just say I'm not sure, some days I feel yes and others a resounding no!

Although I'm from a large family and loved having siblings, as an adult I totally get why couples would choose to just have one child....I love my two but it would be a lot easier with just one, for a start there would be no one to fight with, I'd get back to work quicker, the early years are so hard and doing it twice over is a slog a lot of the time...honestly I so understand the concept of just having one!

In your shoes I'd say to your friends that you've made your choice, it is what works for you, and to kindly stop going on about it. But then I'm quite blunt in RL!

PacificDogwood Sun 17-May-15 13:05:06

YANBU.

There's so much projecting going on there, isn't there?
They would like to have more children, so cannot understand why you'd chose not to.
Tbh, they don't have to understand, they just have to zip it! grin

Everybody's idea of the 'perfect' family size is a different one, and that's fine. Those of us who are granted the size of family we want, should just be happy and leave everybody else to it.

I'd tell them that there remarks are making you feel bad and could they please stop it. Then it's over to them…
Or find a way to let it wash over you - not that I am a master of doing that blush

ppeatfruit Sun 17-May-15 13:33:15

mostlyjust grin grin

ChucksAhoy Sun 17-May-15 20:13:17

YANBU - I'm pg with first DC and am amazed at how even at this stage your personal choices and private life seem to suddenly be fair game! To the point where it becomes hurtful and insensitive. I'm sorry to hear about your friends' difficulties, but it's unreasonable of them to be imposing their hopes and desires on you.

It sounds as though you have a lovely little family with the three of you smile

GERTI Sun 17-May-15 20:23:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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