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AIBU help with baby- MIL

(56 Posts)
Chesneysmole Sun 17-May-15 05:19:42

A quick context: my PIL
live 3 hours away and are retired; my parents are 1 1/2 hours away but on holiday (booked before knew I was pregnant) I'm expecting baby number 2 any day now. We never ask for help, no weekend babysitting etc. we always have to travel to PIL. This time I need someone to look after DD1 whilst DH and I at hospital so MIL offered to come up- i'm having planned c-section so no middle of night journeys/panics. So far so good except DH called her earlier about something else and she said she's only staying a few days now, (won't be specific, said "playing it by ear"), not fortnight she originally said. Doesn't think we need to know how long she might stay. No reason given. I'm sure we can cope but I'm upset as I feel like we're being an inconvenience for her and it also means she'll miss DD1's birthday which is week after c-section which she obviously knows. DD wasn't allowed to visit them at Easter as she had chicken pox- even though I said no risk to them as PIL both have had it. she has also made comments about how she doesn't like being away from home, our routine is different etc. (she lives in a small village and has set shopping days etc). When I told her I was having c-section, she's said she doesn't know anything about them and I'll have to deal with that- I've given her outline that I'll need more support etc and that i'd love for her just to be here to play with DD, DH will do housework etc. AIBU in just expecting her to be excited about arrival of grandchild and not making a fuss about helping on this one occasion? I'm tempted to just ask a friend to look after DD1 for one day, who I know wouldn't mind, but thought it would be nice if family helped. AIBU and too hormonal?

ByTheWishingWell Sun 17-May-15 05:37:56

From what you've written, I think you're possibly being a little bit unreasonable (although it's understandable- it's a very emotional time!).

It sounds to me like MIL is staying as long as needed- you'll most likely be at home within a few days, but she's playing it by ear, which I would take to mean that she can be flexible if necessary.

I wouldn't blame her for not being there on DDs birthday, she will have just spent days with her. You might even be glad to get the house to yourselves to enjoy your lovely new baby when she leaves!

ChampagneBabyCakes Sun 17-May-15 05:41:15

No, you are not BU. She sounds unhelpful. I think you should still have her come for the few days she has planned as you really do need her, but speak to your friend too and ask her to take DD a couple of times after MIL has gone.
You are right, but please don't spend your time worrying about this - she's still coming for the most important days and you have to focus on taking care of yourself.

DorotheaHomeAlone Sun 17-May-15 05:41:54

YANBU. This is an exceptional situation. It wouldn't hurt her to stay a few more days and behave graciously. This is the sort of thing families are for surely? I'd be worrying now about how helpful and supportive she'll actually be and the added stress is the last thing you need. Better to ask a willing and supportive friend.

ChannelingFlop Sun 17-May-15 05:42:59

I was in the same position when I had my section with my parents being away. MIL stayed for a day after I got home from hospital. We honestly didn't need her there and it was nice to get used to our little family. I was a bit uncomfortable but pottering about and honestly it was totally fine!
Might MIL be saying she's not going to stay long just be her trying not to crowd you?

DorotheaHomeAlone Sun 17-May-15 05:44:29

Actually champagne's suggestion is good. Have her come while you're in hospital but ask for support from more willing people when you're out. I would happily do this for a friend.

Mermaidhair Sun 17-May-15 05:46:12

Yanbu, it hurts you that your mil doesn't seem very excited and is acting inconvenienced. She should want to be there for you all at this time, and for your dd birthday. I have had to accept that family's aren't always super supportive and helpful, and they don't do things that you would do in that same situation. I would ask your friend instead. Congratulations on your babyflowers

Charis1 Sun 17-May-15 05:53:15

YABVU- none of this is her responsibility, or her idea of fun wither, by the sound of it. she is putting herself out a lot, physically and emotionally to help you out, and you don't sound at all appreciative.

NeverHadHaveHas Sun 17-May-15 05:55:24

MILS can't do right for doing wrong on MN confused If they want to come straight after birth then they are too pushy and controlling, and if they don't want to come they are unhelpful and not interested.

I think you are being a little unreasonable OP. Some people feel awkward staying in other peoples homes, especially at an emotionally fraught time like introducing a newborn to a family. She may just have read the MIL bashing threads on here have decided to give you all some space to bond. I really wouldn't be offended by it and just enjoy it while you have the extra set of hands.

redfairy Sun 17-May-15 05:57:48

I think if you've got your DH on hand adopting a day by day approach may not be a bad idea. You may well find you don't want MIL hanging around if she's anxious away from home. A fortnight is a long time away from your own bed (and partner?) Might she have anxieties about how FIL would cope, pets etc...
Has your DH got the whole fortnight off? I'm wondering if your friend could have DD on your delivery day and MIL arrive for DD's birthday and a few days after allowing you, DH and DD a few days together beforehand.

Jackieharris Sun 17-May-15 06:05:06

Mils can't win! If they want to stay they are interfering if they don't they are uncaring!

With an elcs you are going to know the exact time of birth and it will be very quick so you only need a baby sitter for those pre planned hours. Then you will have DP at home for 2 weeks.

Surely having mil there 24/7 is just a distraction?

AuntieStella Sun 17-May-15 06:06:03

MIL is a separate person, with her own likes, wants and preferences.

Despite her antipathy (and as another poster pointed out, possible anxiety) about being away from home, you are important enough for her to make one of her rare exceptions.

It might help how you see all this to recast it in those terms, rather than to think you're somehow hard done by.

devon004 Sun 17-May-15 06:06:06

I think it's a shame she doesn't want to be more involved. However, after having third dd I had help from mil on day of delivery only. Dh hac day of delivery and day of discharge from hospital and next day. Than I was on my own. I was worried about this but actually it was ok. Although dd was readmitted on day 5 so dh had to take one more day. So than I was struck with poorly dd on my own as dh couldn't visit as ds1 had a cold sore.
I think my point is that you will be fine and congratulations.

SuperMumTum Sun 17-May-15 06:07:05

A fortnight!? That is a long time to stay with family. I don't blame her for trying to give you a hint that she might not want to stay that long and YAB a bit U for expecting her to.

mynewpassion Sun 17-May-15 06:11:27

Definitely a case of MILs not winning in this situation. She's coming to help and gives an out in case the OP doesn't require her assistance for the full fortnight. But, no it is seen as negative.

I think the OP being shirty about them not allowing DD to visit because of chicken pox is poor form. They could potentially contract shingles from the chicken pox even if they have had it when they were young. Was the OP or her DH willing to spend time taking care of them if they were hospitalized or need additional care?

Isetan Sun 17-May-15 06:57:45

Two weeks is a long time to be a guest in somebody else's house (even family), especially if you don't like being far away from home and routines.

Rather than focussing on the inconvenience, focus on how much this woman is prepared to be out of her comfort zone in order to support you. She's not being inconsiderate or selfish but honest.


SuperMumTum Sun 17-May-15 07:04:44

I also agree about the chicken pox. I wouldn't want a sick moany sctratchy child visiting me, DGD or not, and I definitely wouldn't expect anyone to put up with my child in that condition.

tobysmum77 Sun 17-May-15 07:12:35

You don't catch shingles from chicken pox.

I personally would go up the wall if mil or my own mother for that matter wink stayed in my house for 2 weeks. I think she just feels uncomfortable about intruding for that length of time.

ItsADinosaur Sun 17-May-15 07:18:27

They could potentially contract shingles from the chicken pox even if they have had it when they were young

No they can't. You can't catch shingles.

You can only get shingles if you've had children pox as it's the dormant virus reactivated in your body. You can get chicken pox from shingles though.

RandomMess Sun 17-May-15 07:22:05

I'm not sure why you want MIL there once you're out of hospital as your dh will be on paternity leave and able to look after DD and run the house?

GlitteringJasper Sun 17-May-15 07:23:12

You need her when you're habing cs do one day.

Why do you need her after that? Wont dh be on paternity leave?

PistolAnnie Sun 17-May-15 07:34:29

Just as an aside have you got any childcare plans if you happen to spontaneously go into labour before your section date?

It might be handy to have a back up plan which you could set in motion or even as others have suggested ask the more local friend to have DD for the section date too and plan on MIL coming for a couple of days over DDs birthday for fun and to meet the new baby.

I went into labour in the middle of the night the day before my booked section and it was all a bit of a scramble as my parents - who were travelling 3 hrs- were due to look after DS! Recovery wise it wasn't any more difficult than my birth with an episiotomy, as long as you take it steady and don't lift anything much you'll probably be fine with your DH to help for a couple of weeks.

mynewpassion Sun 17-May-15 07:41:31

Holds hands up. I checked and you guys are right. You can't contract shingles from chicken pox.

I still stand by what I said about OP and her DH being shirty about the ILs not having them visit because DD had chicken pox. They are just looking after their own health as they are getting older.

tobysmum77 Sun 17-May-15 08:36:21

I dont disagree it's their house and if they dont want someone there with cp it's up to them. It is possible for some people to catch it again anyway.

minkGrundy Sun 17-May-15 08:43:20

It isn't tobysmum.

I think you need to remember your MIL is also aperson with her own fears and anxieties. Sometimes not liking being away frim home is a very genuine anxiety.

A fortnight is a long time.

If she stays a few days it will be a big help.
She may decide to stay longer if she is coping well.

Just go with the flow.

Enjoy the arrival of dc2smile

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