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"Well you had kids"

(103 Posts)
OhHolyFuck Sat 16-May-15 23:20:38

Does anyone else get this? Anytime I mention I'm tired/ bit stressed/ got a lot on etc why is the first response "well you had/chose to have kids"?!

Ds1 (4) has come out in chicken pox and I'm 8 weeks with dc3, I'm due at the midwife on Monday for a booking in appointment (and even getting one this early was a minor miracle so if I don't go, it'll be weeks before I can see her and obviously I need 10 week bloods doing and her to arrange my 12 week scan), dp can't take it off work and I can't take ds1 so having a bit of a moan to a 'friend' over text and they replied 'if only you thought of that before doing the deed'...yes, that's helpful, thanks

Just wound up and annoyed, no family help from either side, useless friends and now a week of quarantine and I miss an important appointment....but, hey, I chose to have kids!

Hypotenuse Sat 16-May-15 23:23:06

That would pee me right off, YANBU. So every child related thing is just written off? Does she have a partner? You could say 'well you chose to date them!' Every time she complains about them. Or 'you chose that job!' If she complains about work.

Or just tell her to fuck off. That might sort her out too.

fiveacres Sat 16-May-15 23:24:17

I hate it when people do this so feel free to kick me but do you talk about being tired a lot ?

OhHolyFuck Sat 16-May-15 23:29:56

Actually the friend is a single man in his 30s who still has mummy do his washing/cooking/pack his suitcase if he goes away so I feel even more justified in saying some help with two kids would be bloody lovely!

I don't think I say I'm tired a lot, only in response 'to how are you?' and only if there's a reason iyswim, normally I just say 'good/alright/pretty well'

ProudAS Sat 16-May-15 23:35:43

So sorry about your problem OP. What time is your appointment? Could you phone the midwife first thing Monday to discuss what to do?

What are the implications of missing the appointment? Could you arrange to wait in a separate room with DS?

Your friend may have a point but that doesn't make it the most helpful thing to say.

ProudAS Sat 16-May-15 23:36:46

On second thoughts OP ask this friend to have DS.

Totality22 Sat 16-May-15 23:39:10

<missing point slightly>

Don't they do your bloods are booking appointment?

Totality22 Sat 16-May-15 23:39:32

at booking appointment !

Hypotenuse Sat 16-May-15 23:44:30

Oh then he's just not joined the real world yet.

Remember all those funny opinions you had before kids or had to properly take care of yourself as an adult? He's unenlightened. Probably not the right friend to discuss anything normal with!

OhHolyFuck Sat 16-May-15 23:48:39

Totoality this is my booking appointment, I called at 4 weeks when I got my bfp and the first appointment was at 12.5 weeks! I called again last week and by some miracle they had this one appointment free so if I don't go, I can see it being 16 weeks before I see anyone

He won't watch the kids, made it clear that they're 'not his thing'

totallygone Sat 16-May-15 23:51:21

According to my Aunt, I won't be an adult until I give birth in 2 weeks time, and I'm 26...

Also, midwife has never taken my blood, had always been at a separate appointment.

ShadowFire Sun 17-May-15 00:36:01

YANBU. That kind of unhelpful comment can get annoying very quickly. I bet he complains sometimes about lifestyle things he's chosen, such as his job.

Incidentally, my routine blood tests during pregnancy were always taken by the midwife during the routine midwife appointments. No need for separate appointments for bloods where I live.

DustBunnyFarmer Sun 17-May-15 00:42:46

Can the midwife do a home visit in the circs?

PtolemysNeedle Sun 17-May-15 00:52:12

I think it's a reasonable response to someone who is moaning about being tired over text messages. In face to face conversation, it might not be.

flowersthatbloominthespring Sun 17-May-15 01:03:07

I'm sorry to be harsh, but you DID choose to have children. I think complaining about having them is rotten. So I TYABU.

I get why the comments aren't helpful. but to choose to have 3 and then gripe about it.... You made your own bed. Don't bitch about your own choices.

sorrrry!

OhHolyFuck Sun 17-May-15 01:09:35

Flowers that's exactly the point - I'm NOT bitching about the kids! If I say I'm tired, then it's 'well you had kids' even though I might be tired because of work/staying up to watch a film/ period pain/ all night shagathon, whatever, it just seems to be the stock response!

And I think mentioning to a friend when asked 'what are you doing?' that I'm trying to work out how I can attend an appointment I need to go to and somehow stay home to look after chicken pox laden DS1, just might elicit some other response than "you chose to have kids", no?

I'm well aware I decided to have kids, especially considering that (with dp) I do 100% of the care for them!

But that's like texting someone " I'm stuck in traffic" and them replying "well you chose to get a car" - just totally bloody useless actually

thinpaperdoll Sun 17-May-15 01:10:08

I agree with flowers really. Not a helpful comment and I wouldn't say it but I'd be thinking it. I do have a dc but wouldn't choose to have 3 precisely because I like my sleep and not having to juggle the demands of them all...and you know it's only going to get harder once your dc3 is actually here...

OhHolyFuck Sun 17-May-15 01:10:13

Flowers that's exactly the point - I'm NOT bitching about the kids! If I say I'm tired, then it's 'well you had kids' even though I might be tired because of work/staying up to watch a film/ period pain/ all night shagathon, whatever, it just seems to be the stock response!

And I think mentioning to a friend when asked 'what are you doing?' that I'm trying to work out how I can attend an appointment I need to go to and somehow stay home to look after chicken pox laden DS1, just might elicit some other response than "you chose to have kids", no?

I'm well aware I decided to have kids, especially considering that (with dp) I do 100% of the care for them!

But that's like texting someone " I'm stuck in traffic" and them replying "well you chose to get a car" - just totally bloody useless actually

OhHolyFuck Sun 17-May-15 01:10:41

Flowers that's exactly the point - I'm NOT bitching about the kids! If I say I'm tired, then it's 'well you had kids' even though I might be tired because of work/staying up to watch a film/ period pain/ all night shagathon, whatever, it just seems to be the stock response!

And I think mentioning to a friend when asked 'what are you doing?' that I'm trying to work out how I can attend an appointment I need to go to and somehow stay home to look after chicken pox laden DS1, just might elicit some other response than "you chose to have kids", no?

I'm well aware I decided to have kids, especially considering that (with dp) I do 100% of the care for them!

But that's like texting someone " I'm stuck in traffic" and them replying "well you chose to get a car" - just totally bloody useless actually

OhHolyFuck Sun 17-May-15 01:13:35

Ahhhh massive treble post!

Fine, lesson learned, I shall never say anything to anyone other than my life is fucking amazing and butterflies shoot hourly out of my arse because if I dare say any even mildly negative thing that may be going on, I clearly chose to bring it on myself with my wanton reproduction

OhHolyFuck Sun 17-May-15 01:14:12

Ahhhh massive treble post!

Fine, lesson learned, I shall never say anything to anyone other than my life is fucking amazing and butterflies shoot hourly out of my arse because if I dare say any even mildly negative thing that may be going on, I clearly chose to bring it on myself with my wanton reproduction

Muddymits Sun 17-May-15 01:48:13

Ha ha your friend is an arse.
Please allow me to make the correct response-

Bugger, that sucks. Can I help? Or even god sorry I can't help but can any other bugger...

Traffic, illness,crazy kids. Delayed flights, stays
In hospital Christ whatever they all deserve sympathy and and help.

loveblackcats Sun 17-May-15 02:31:23

that's where rampant shagging gets ya

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Sun 17-May-15 02:34:51

YANBU and your friend is not much of a friend if he won't step in to help. "Kids not my thing" Jesus get over yourself buddy, you are a grown man!

AdoraBell Sun 17-May-15 02:55:45

When I was expecting twins cunt FIL said "well, if you will have 2hmm "

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