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To be fed up with parenting my parents?

(7 Posts)
NicLovesCheese Fri 15-May-15 11:08:51

That sounds really harsh, but I'm only 34, and feel like I have been more grown up than them since I was a kid.
My dad was an alcoholic and insisted that life was only good if you won the lottery, I spent most of my teens and 20s convincing him to eat properly, drink less, pay his bills and not punch people (including us).
He died 5 years ago and I have so much guilt at not saving him, but am also angry of course.
My mum had divorced him long before so had nothing to do with him. She had a little "second youth" and went to uni and got a life and didn't want me messing that up after I left uni so I moved somewhere else. She has always been more like a sister. Which I've always thought was cool, but now I'm older I am getting tired of being the sensible one and clearing up her mess...
She is always in debt and uses credit cards because "she has no cash" but buys things she doesn't need. I know what it's like because I'm struggling cash wise too but she won't listen to reason, she assumes because she is older she is wiser. I'm angry today as she moans she wants to see my daughter but isn't willing to drive because petrol costs too much, but she is happy to buy a new puppy(??!!) which she can't afford to look after and even though it's just her and her partner living together insists they need to buy a new 3 bed house and need this that and the other and it's driving me mad.

I know things will only get worse as she gets older as she already has poor health, I just feel like I've been looking after my parents my whole life,

I'm so tired of biting my tongue! Sorry, that was a total rant.

LittleBearPad Fri 15-May-15 11:12:28

Stop trying to parent her. You can't. She isn't your responsibility and almost certainly you have enough on your plate with your own life. I do know a little where you are coming from. And I do agree it's massively annoying but try to step back for your own sake.

MrsGentlyBenevolent Fri 15-May-15 11:17:19

Step away. Seriously, you can't do it, you'll give yourself a break down. And irresponsible parents don't care when you need help, believe me.

NicLovesCheese Fri 15-May-15 11:18:13

You're so right. I need to be less available! Thank you x

Mamus Fri 15-May-15 11:22:56

I cringe when I read about people like your mum because to an extent, that was me until quite recently. I don't know what clicked in my head though, but something has, and I have done a complete 180 wrt finances (obsessive to-the-penny budgeting spreadsheet and getting pleasure from not splurging but thinking instead of how good it will feel to pay of debts and have savings and not run into those awful 'totally run out of cash' weeks, etc). She will either realise one day that she needs to take responsibility and sort herself out, or she won't: at any rate it isn't up to you to clean up after her. Maybe no one sorting out her messes and her really facing that something needs to change would be the trigger for her to change.

BabyGiraffeOnIce Fri 15-May-15 11:23:45

nic it is easier said than done, I am in a similar position - DM is in so much debt, and says she can't understand how as the money 'comes out of the bank' she doesn't seem to understand if it's not there in the first place then it can't be taken.

it's difficult to not be so available as you worry about what will happen when it all comes to a head and you'll then be expected to look after them and take them in and it all starts again. it is stressful and I can only agree with feeling like the parent.

I haven't spoken to DM now for 3 months, not through anything other than she doesn't call me, so now I've stopped calling her. the worry and wonder is still there, but slowly putting yourself first again is what you need. especially with a family to look after. if she doesn't pay her bills, its her problem. if she doesn't have the cash - that's her responsibility. it's tough, but you need to stop feeling responsible for what happens smile

NicLovesCheese Fri 15-May-15 11:30:43

It is hard, I've always had to make sure I'm available in case either of them hurt themselves, or need me for some reason. I really do have a lot on my plate, and my mum just plies me with guilt. Agh.

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