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AIBU to think that the ex is regarding dh's support during my father's death?

(23 Posts)
Ithadtobeisalie Thu 14-May-15 12:27:13

I see that people often declare when they have changed their regular names, so I will do so and hope that I can put this down and capture my exact thoughts in what is second language.

My husband's child was admitted to hospital for observations and a few days prior to that my father was killed in unrest in my home country. I left for home that same day. Last week Wednesday, my step child was discharged and parents were reassured he should be better for school in a day or 2. Husband then flew to join me later that evening, I was relieved to see him as I am an only child and was mostly on my own preparing for the funeral and my mother was adviced to rest for her state of mind and extended family is scattered around the world and could not make it. We buried my father on Saturday. Husband flew back on Sunday evening and landed on Monday morning to an email from his ex spelling out exactly what she thinks of him. She accuses him of being a "poor and excuse of a father to son" to place wife's needs above his son's health because he left before he went back to school. I arrived back yesterday and accidentally saw this email as I was on his laptop last night. I am not in the habit of discussing his ex with him, so I need another opinion of my feelings about step families.

Am I unreasonable to think that given step child had improved, it was right of husband to support me in grief?
Am I unreasonable to think that at times, step children will take second priority to wives(i use the female example because I am one) not necessarily because they come second but because in step families circumstances are weighted and balance is always sought?

SaucyJack Thu 14-May-15 12:29:35

YANBU. But cut her some slack- doesn't sound like she was having the best week of her life either.

HirplesWithHaggis Thu 14-May-15 12:36:42

I'm sorry for your loss. flowers YANBU, it was right that he went to you once his child was well on the way to recovery, but as SaucyJack says, the ex probably reacted out of stress. Try to let your resentment go, it will only hurt you.

hedgehogsdontbite Thu 14-May-15 12:36:49

I agree with SaucyJack. YANBU but my DS has been sick this week and has spent half the time crying for his daddy. It's heartbreaking so I can see where the ex is coming from.

balletnotlacrosse Thu 14-May-15 12:37:19

So sorry about your father. YANBU and your dh did the right thing.

MammaTJ Thu 14-May-15 12:39:43

Your husband stayed with his child until the crisis had passed, that was right and proper. He left you to deal with difficult things on your own, which must have been hard at the time but joined you as soon as he was able. You understand this.

He has balanced what must have been a difficult time very well. His ExW is never going to see that though, so don't even try to reason with her, or even get him to. To her, her priority is their son, not you. He should not, in her head, even give you the time of day if their DS has so much as even a cold.

Your DH did the right thing. She does not think so, you do!

Don't even bother giving it head space.

AnImpalaCalledBABY Thu 14-May-15 12:41:13

YANBU and I am so sorry for your loss

your DH did exactly the right thing, and good for him for doing so

I don't think there is any excuse for his ex being so vile, I'm sure she was under a lot of stress but there was no need for that email

Littletabbyocelot Thu 14-May-15 12:43:20

I would say children should always be first priority all else being equal but your husband did that. He didn't leave to join you until his child was discharged and on the mend. At that point your need was greater.

Very sorry for your loss and for the horrible situation all of you were in.

queenofthepirates Thu 14-May-15 12:46:33

I am so sorry to hear of your father's passing, this is the last thing you need at the moment. Please do try to put it out of your head and concentrate on your needs at the moment.

Tizwailor Thu 14-May-15 12:46:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RB68 Thu 14-May-15 12:54:52

I would let it go - what did she expect - him holding her hand as the child played at home for a couple of days...she is being slightly unreasonable, I think the balance was right, you are as entitled to his time as she is and in this instance it was more for her than for child. Child was home and waiting to return to school not fighting for his life in hospital. Children take priority when it is right and proper to do so. But not to the full exclusion of everyone else. Others have to be taken into account as well. She is what we call venting - ie being angry at someone over what happened, but not necessarily the right person.

Jasmineskye Thu 14-May-15 12:59:30


I am sorry for your loss flowers

Have you gone onto 'bereavement' for support too? There are lovely posters there who will provide some kindness and insight at this difficult time.

Ithadtobeisalie Thu 14-May-15 13:22:16

Jas do you mean there is bereavement support on mumsnet?

I want to adopt a cold face over this, but I feel being in a step family is overwhelming. . But I did not anticipate or I underestamated the indirect influence she will have on my life.

I have had lawyer's letters for putting stepson as my whatsapp profile picture in celebration of his birthday.
I have been accused of improper behaviour for allowing step son with our children to join us in bed on a morning and social services involved.
At heart, I know, I can exclude my step son in personal my life, but how can I without hurting my husband and children?
It is all too much for I have no recourse to complain, I chose to get involved with him with full knowledge of the son.

Ithadtobeisalie Thu 14-May-15 13:23:00

Thank you all for your kind words

Ithadtobeisalie Thu 14-May-15 13:33:39

My fear is that I am currently weak and she knows it. She is going to go after me!

Ithadtobeisalie Thu 14-May-15 13:39:52

If it were not for my children, I would run away

NRomanoff Thu 14-May-15 13:47:10

Yanbu but I do not think she was entirely unreasonable either. From her pov if their son took a turn for the worse, the father was away. Or the fact that he was out of danger but still poorly she was having to do it alone. However she shouldn't have kicked off as she did. I am sorry for your loss.

Bogeyface Thu 14-May-15 14:07:48

Why would you run away? How is she "going to go after" you?

I dont think your DH was unreasonable and I think that the message she sent was wrong. However, you seem to be a bit OTT about it.

I get that she is a bit of a nightmare with the SS involvement and solicitors letters etc, but talk her coming after you and you wanting to run away seems a bit melodramatic.

Was your husband still with her when you got together?

discusswhat Fri 15-May-15 10:01:15

OP YANBU. You sound overwhelmed, hope you find counselling.
Bogey your post was uncessarry. You came on here to pile on an OP. She could have meant "going after me" in an entirely different way than you think. You had no reason to be dramatichmm

Dumpylump Fri 15-May-15 10:07:25

Bogey the op has said that English is her second language so maybe cut her some slack?

RiskManagement Fri 15-May-15 10:11:00

What a difficult position for your DH to be in.

On the face of it I'd take a very dim view of a father who left the country while his DS was so sick. I'd also take a dim view of man who didn't fly home when his wife was bereaved....

The ex is the child's mother, I can absolutely see why she thinks his father should have no greater priority than his child and having a sick child is very stressful. She shouldn't be attacking you or him, but I do think allowances have to be made in the circumstances.

letscookbreakfast Fri 15-May-15 10:13:26

OP there's nothing wrong with what your husband did, his child was much better and he decided to then focus on you.

I admit that the ex was having a stressful time too but what did she expect your husband to do?

nickersinaknot Fri 15-May-15 10:29:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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