To make dd pay some or all of this back?

(38 Posts)
Supervet Thu 14-May-15 09:16:43

Well firstly I will be open and say dd does have mild learning difficulties (Dyspraxia and processing issues) and does struggle a bit socially.

DD is due to go to France with school. Not long after she booked the attacks in Paris happened and lots of classmates seemed to drop out.

DD was given chance 1 at this point to drop out (due to her friends dropping out rather than the attack)

DD decided to still go. Then another person she knows well dropped out and she had a bit of a crisis over it. She was then given chance 2 to drop out but still wanted to go.

DD was worrying about the trip and sleeping with someone she did not know, they go round the theme park in groups and she knows no one. We went to see the French teacher who had a chat and dd was given chance 3 to drop out.

The deadline has now passed. Collective passport ordered. Full amount paid etc. Now dd is absoloutely refusing to go on the trip and will not go to the meeting in school time about it as she might not be able to get back in to the sen room at lunch time.

I am rather pissed off as we are low working income and I struggled to pay this for her as she was so desperate to go.

So now I lose £260 in money plus another £50 that I will have to pay my parents back as they stumped up the deposit.

AIBU to remove her pocket money from my parents and not buy her anything but essentials until it is paid back?

Supervet Thu 14-May-15 09:18:35

Sorry she is 12 forgot to add.

DiDiddlyIDi Thu 14-May-15 09:18:55

It will teach a good lesson in life, I think you should remove this from her pocket money. Harsh but fair, a bit of tough love like this in people's younger years will stop them being flakey as an adult.

Bursarymum Thu 14-May-15 09:19:17

How old is she?

My daughter recently went on a trip to Paris at the end of March. I was a little worried but it was fine.

Is it e case that she doesn't want to go because so many of her friends have dropped out?

LowryFan Thu 14-May-15 09:20:07

Oh blimey I really don't know how I would handle this situation. I feel v sorry for you but also for your DD. Can't the school offer some more support/some sort of solution as they must be used to this sort of thing? Do you think if you made her go it would all turn out alright in the end?

I have forced a sobbing wailing child to go to Cub camp which he then loved. Sometimes you have to be 'mean' to do what is best for them. But not always clear what is best.

grapejuicerocks Thu 14-May-15 09:20:56

If the meeting is stressing her out, then can she avoid that and still be persuaded to go?
I think she should be responsible for some of the cost. She was given enough opportunities to drop out. It's difficult though, as she obviously didn't anticipate the stress she would feel about it. When is her birthday? Can that be part payment?

Bursarymum Thu 14-May-15 09:21:35

No, I don't think you should make her pay for it. My daughter is 11 and does not have learning difficulties and I would not make her pay for it. If she was 16 that would be a different matter I think.

It seems to me that the gradual decline in people wanting to go is what has made her change her mind. We were liable for the full cost of our trip from the moment the deposit was put down so surely you wouldn't have got your money back anyway?

grapejuicerocks Thu 14-May-15 09:22:28

Or what about you forcing her on the coach, but driving down to the ferry port unknown to her, so that you can get her if she doesn't settle down.

Balanced12 Thu 14-May-15 09:22:42

That is a hard one, do you think she would enjoy it if she went ? Could you adopt a you made your bed now lay it in approach ? Not sure if this worth considering if she has additional needs.

Sorry to hear your in this situation, it is hard.

I would say yes she needs to pay it back all choices including not making one have consequences

Supervet Thu 14-May-15 09:23:25

School have put her in the group of her own French teacher who she really likes and said they usually do sessions with the children who are in the situation to help them get to know others. This has not happened yet and they are going in roughly three weeks.

If I forced her to go she would be horrendous.

Bursarymum Thu 14-May-15 09:25:11

I think expecting her to pay for it is really harsh, especially considering she has learning difficulties. It will take her forever to pay back.

What I would do is say to her that if she wants to go on a trip in the future then she needs to pay something towards it.

trappedinsuburbia Thu 14-May-15 09:25:20

I would not make her go on the trip but I would make her pay the full amount back.
It will teach her a valuable lesson for the future, silver lining and all that.

Bananaramadramamama Thu 14-May-15 09:25:52

Missing the point of thread but do they still really do collective passports? I thought they stopped issuing them years ago!

Jackie0 Thu 14-May-15 09:27:14

I would really try to make her go.
It's a wonderful opportunity for her and she will soon make firm friends. Kids bond very quickly on residential trips.

Supervet Thu 14-May-15 09:27:51

No in our situation until the deadline we could have backed out losing the original deposit and any money paid but not any future payments if that makes sense.

I do understand why she is worried, I have tried to resolve it. The meeting would have told her who was in her group and what was happening when which would have helped but she refused to go.

I am just very aware that I do not want to teach her that she can just lose £260 and not be the slightest bit bothered or have any consequence.

To be honest if she had only had one chance to back out and all her friends had gone afterwards I would not be cross at all.

Bursarymum Thu 14-May-15 09:28:58

I would definitely try to persuade her to go. My dd had a wonderful time and security there is bound to be high right now.

AmateurSeamstress Thu 14-May-15 09:30:06

I think I would start with finding a way to help her see through the commitment she made. Make an appt with the trip organiser. Maybe he or she could identify a friend of DD's who is still going, and she could be buddied up with them and share a room. Find out what other bits she is scared of, and find solutions to each one with the teacher.

Maybe for DD it's time to 'feel the fear but do it anyway'... with all the support she needs.

I think it would be fair to remove pocket money but it might put her off trying anything "character building" in the future and the whole thing would end up as a huge negative. But letting her off with no consequence also sends the wrong message.

Supervet Thu 14-May-15 09:32:52

Would it be harsh to just make her pay the deposit of £50 back to my parents then Bursary?

I am very conscious that she is not learning that she cannot just throw a hissy fit and throw hundreds of pounds away with no effect.

velourvoyageur Thu 14-May-15 09:33:28

I had to go on a German exchange I really didn't want to go on because my friends weren't going, it turned out to be great. I found out that what I called 'the snob squad' (sweet valley twins ripoff) were actually quite nice after all blush My parents could have afforded to lose the money but still made me go, it's the principle of the thing.
There wouldn't have been the question of making me pay back the money because I was forced to go, end of!

Supervet Thu 14-May-15 09:35:07

'I think I would start with finding a way to help her see through the commitment she made. Make an appt with the trip organiser. Maybe he or she could identify a friend of DD's who is still going, and she could be buddied up with them and share a room. Find out what other bits she is scared of, and find solutions to each one with the teacher. '

We have done all the above amateurseamstress sad no friends or no one from any of her sets of form are going.

grapejuicerocks Thu 14-May-15 09:36:32

Yes when the money affects other people then she definitely can't be allowed to get away with it. Can you get her to do extra chores to contribute to it?

Don't give up yet. You have three weeks to persuade her to go. Get the school to do their best to reassure her.

averythinline Thu 14-May-15 09:38:11

OOh I feel for you my ds has dyspraxia and processing issuesand can be very thin skinned at times....he also struggles with thinking things through and will be quite head in sand then rabbit in headlights when it dawns on him what is actually happening....so would have done teh same re dropping out

I think I would slow it down assuming the school know about her sen they will be ok for her to miss the meeting and come up with a plan about enthusiasing her to go....ds often needs chivving and giving him a role can help eg teacher helper or something specific and a safe person to be with....has she been away from you much ?
she may just be scared with the realisation, she'll be away... it may be worth getting to the bottom of the refusal and coming up with some strategies to help overcome them ....with the teachers involvement if shes up for it...

I'm trying to tell myself this works with ds and giving him skills to work out the root of the problem and then working on solutions will help him better in the future ...(but its bloody hard work when in my head I'm saying for f sake we've been through this a 100 times aaaaarrrrggh)

you have 3 weeks losing the money now or the day before makes no difference....If she doesn't go I would get some back from her but would not use that as part of my negotiating strategy! if shes anything like ds he struggles with the reality of money so that wont help...hth good luck

Notso Thu 14-May-15 09:39:11

It's a tough one.
Was it something you could see coming?So were you encouraging her to drop out and she was adamant she wanted to go?
I think I would probably make her pay back at least some of the money if she doesn't go. Could you speak to school again about the icebreaker sessions explaining her anxieties.
I wouldn't force her to go though and I'm not sure it would be fair on the Teachers and other pupils if you did.

grapejuicerocks Thu 14-May-15 09:39:21

But she knew that none of her friends would be going and didn't back out then. Nothing has changed. I think I'd try getting angry and talking of making her go - even if you wimp out at the end. If she thinks she has no choice she may come round to it.

gabsdot45 Thu 14-May-15 09:43:44

I would ensure that there are some consequences. Explain that she had 3 chances to pull out of the trip and she didn't and now £260 has been spent on her, and wasted. Be nice about it and supportive of her fear but at the same time explain that money is scarce and this money could have been used for lots of other necessary things and that now there will be some cutbacks. I'd probably withhold treats for a few months and perhaps some pocket money.
definitely don't let the teaching opportunity pass

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