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To think DP is being an argumentative twat on my birthday unnecessarily?

(17 Posts)
Llbarls81 Wed 13-May-15 17:52:44

We went to London at weekend and dP drew out £40 from the cash machine for lunch. I've since looked at the bank online and noticed that everything that day was paid for in card. Furthermore, the bank is looking rather unhealthy so I merely said "can't understand what we did with that £40 because everything was paid for in card".
I wasn't accusing or asking him to explain it or anything silly like that, just merely mentioning the fact that I couldn't even remember spending it. (actually I was hoping he'd say we still had it!).
So he took it totally the wrong way, made a song and dance about explaining everything he's bought for the past few days and then ranted about how he works hard and shouldn't have to explain everything. I said I wasn't asking him to explain anything! Was simply commenting that I couldn't remember what we did with the £40. He carried on ranting, starting to raise his voice until I reminded him it was my birthday and I would not be getting into an argument with him on my birthday. I then left the room to hear him still banging on behind me.
AIBU to think there was just no need to turn that into an argument?

FenellaFellorick Wed 13-May-15 17:56:52

No need at all.
Is he prone to defensive overreaction?
Do you think maybe he does know what he did with it? Betting? Maybe a surprise for your birthday?

eyebags63 Wed 13-May-15 18:09:31

Perhaps your tone was more accusatory than you realised. You say you weren't expecting him explain everything but really you were, weren't you...Otherwise why would you mention it?

partialderivative Wed 13-May-15 18:16:08

Sorry, but I think ywbu.

I don't think he should need to explain how he has spent the money. £40 is not a great deal on a day out in London, even if you are paying for most things on plastic.

Aermingers Wed 13-May-15 18:16:16

Actually I'm with him. It's Wednesday. For an adult who is presumably working to spend £40 between then and today is totally reasonable.

I think a partner who expects their partner to account for a relatively small amount of money over several days is VU and controlling. Your birthday has nothing to do with it, it doesn't give you an excuse to behave badly.

You weren't 'wondering what we had done with it'. You knew he took it out and he kept it. You were asking him to give you an account of what he'd done with it.

My DH does this to me and it's not nice.

SoldierBear Wed 13-May-15 18:20:12

Why did you raise it on your birthday if he isn't allowed to deal with the real issue, which is you wanting him to account for £40.
You did all your homework before confronting him and he's not happy. I don't blame him.
You should apologise

redskybynight Wed 13-May-15 18:20:34

Another one who can't see how your remark could be seen as other than accusatory - you'd obviously scrutinised the statements to notice that "everything" was paid for by cash, so not sure how you were expecting your partner to respond other than by listing exactly where the money had gone??

Aermingers Wed 13-May-15 18:21:21

Incidentally has it not occurred to you some of it could have gone on your card and present? I think questioning something like that, when you've been taken out, presumably for your birthday, and presumably had a card and present, is downright ungrateful.

LividofLondinium Wed 13-May-15 18:21:40

Maybe you didn't mean it to sound like it, but the "can't understand what we did with that £40 because everything was paid for in card" comment does sound like a passive aggressive way of asking him what he'd done with the £40 to me. Was it honestly innocent or deep down are you wondering why he took out £40 then paid for everything on the card?

nocoolnamesleft Wed 13-May-15 20:34:02

Having just had a weekend away in London, I doubt £40 would have gone very far at all. As a northerner, the prices horrified me!

pod78 Wed 13-May-15 22:25:36

YANBU. If you share finances then you should be accountable to each other - not is permission/ control way but out of mutual respect.

Plus £40 is a lot of money to some people - it would be to us and I'd need to account for it if it wasn't planned spending or we'd be in trouble. We have an amount to spend on ourselves (not much) and any extra spending is discussed. Sure, in some ways it would be nice to just spend whatever we want with no one to answer to, but we just can't afford to.

If he had nothing to hide or feel guilty about, surely he would have just said "yeah, I know I had to pay for XYZ and it was so expensive" or something like that.

Morelikeguidelines Wed 13-May-15 22:29:39

It probably was accusatory, or sounded it, but he overreacted massively. Sounds very defensive and like someone who has something to hide (not necessarily something sinister, but maybe habitual overspending).

msgrinch Wed 13-May-15 22:30:20

yabvu.

Euphemia Wed 13-May-15 22:34:08

£40? That's a couple of rounds in a bar in London!

JustHavinABreak Wed 13-May-15 22:36:11

Sounds a bit PA to me too OP. I would be upset if my DH said that to me, especially if before asking me he had taken the time to go through the statement and account for other spending on plastic. You may have been merely wondering where the money went but tbh if the conversation really played out as you describe then it would sound a bit accusatory to your DP. I think an apology is probably in order. Happy Birthday btw flowers

CatMilkMan Wed 13-May-15 22:39:54

Happy Birthday I hope your day was good.

HowDoesThatWork Wed 13-May-15 23:24:35

Reading the OP it seems to me that it was an enjoyable low budget day in London and that £40 was a decent proportion, perhaps as much as was spent on cards.

I can understand. To the wealthy, £40 is not a haircut, to others it feeds a family for a week.

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