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If I'm not BU, how do I sort this out?

(8 Posts)
Everythingsgonewonky Mon 11-May-15 20:58:31

Will try and keep simple:
divorced 10 years, Ds lives with me, has extremely good relationship with his father and family. Ex started out paying child support on a voluntary basis, a good amount I would say. When ex got re-married controlling behaviour, held up by threats of reducing financial support started, so I called his bluff, contacted CSA and he has paid via them for last approx. 6 years.
Now ex tells me he has had a massive pay rise, and needs to give CSA new wage slips. Now also wants us to go back to voluntary agreement (on the pre text of the new CSA will start to charge soon for the service).
I said I would have a think once I knew what the new assessment amount would be.
He wants me to agree to an amount without knowing that figure...
I really don't want to do a voluntary agreement, it doesn't protect me, makes re-mortgaging harder, give ex a "power" over me.
If I don't agree I know he will talk about my DS going to live with him.
So, plans please! smile

ImperialBlether Mon 11-May-15 21:04:38

Oh for god's sake, what a twat he is.

So you have to agree to a figure that he won't confirm otherwise he will take your son away?

What a fucking knobhead he is.

Put it in writing:

"I'm a bit confused about what you were saying the other day - could you please confirm?

As I understand it, you want me to agree to a voluntary agreement without knowing what the figure is. Surely you can understand that I would have to be mad to do this? Please let me know whether that was actually what you meant."

Don't mention your DS living with him. He can't use that as a bargaining tool.

VanitasVanitatum Mon 11-May-15 21:11:09

The CSA are deliberately taking a cut from both sides now to make people agree these arrangements, thing is unless he's on collection you're not really any safer going through CSA; either way if he stops paying they will then get involved, whether he defaults paying them or you call them.

Absolutely don't agree without them assessing the amount though. Tell him you're prepared to go to a family arrangement if it's of the assessed amount.

VanitasVanitatum Mon 11-May-15 21:12:24

Oh and at least he told you about the pay rise.. In my experience if the NRP doesn't admit the CSA often never find out.

CitySnicker Mon 11-May-15 21:14:18

If you cancel, does it not stop you restarting via csa at a later date? Not sure but rings a bell. I'd check he isn't trying to dodge paying.

Hmmm2014 Mon 11-May-15 21:23:37

The CMS will only take a fee if they have to take maintenance from his salary. There is no fee if CMS just have to assess, but not take direct from his pay. At least that's my understanding. If he doesn't pay, then you can go back to CMS to take it from salary again.

This is different from a voluntary arrangement outside the CMS. The CMS as v helpful if you ring them, or at least I found them helpful.

Everythingsgonewonky Mon 11-May-15 21:36:23

Thank you all. At the moment, CSA get the money from him, then pass it on to me about a week later.
I actually don't mind agreeing to less than the new assessment.Ex is extremely well paid,(I am not as a nurse), which has meant I have worked to fit around school whilst DS growing up and he is a good dad, etc etc. BUT you can't trust him as far as you can throw him, so I'm not wanting to shoot myself in the foot and be under his control again.
I think I will suggest getting new assessment, agreeing on an amount on the understanding that if any "issues" arise it will be put back in the hands of CSA.
That sound fair?

Everythingsgonewonky Mon 11-May-15 21:47:00

Thanks for explaining that about the CMS too, will have a read up.

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