AIBU to tell him a firm no.

(58 Posts)
MythicalKings Mon 11-May-15 11:49:30

My goddaughter (A) is the DD of my closest friend and we have always been close. She has 2 (aged 8 and 6) DCs from her first marriage and she and her DH have a 2 year old DS from their marriage. He has a DD (7) from his first marriage. I've only met his DD once, at their wedding.

I see A's DCs quite often when she comes over to visit her parents or when the DCs are spending the weekend with their grandparents. I know the three of them really well.

A's DH has asked her to "have a word" with me and she's really embarrassed but he's been nagging so she did. I have always bought presents for A's DCs at Christmas and birthdays. He asked her to tell me I should also buy for his DD. A's parents always buy for his DD but they know her and actually see her.

A doesn't think I should. His family and family friends only buy for his DD and the toddler, nothing for A's DCs from her first marriage. She pointed this out to her DH but he said we're "better off" than they are and his DD is upset.

His DD wouldn't know me if she bumped into me in the street, so this is all from him. He is quite controlling and is not always kind to A's DCs. A's mum said to tell him to get lost.

I am inclined to say no but I'm a bit worried about how that will impact on A.

AIBU to say that I won't unless his family and friends are also buying for A's DCs, as that would be unfair on them.

Madlizzy Mon 11-May-15 11:52:20

Just tell him to jog on. You have no obligation to him.

Monty27 Mon 11-May-15 11:55:30

You buy presents to those that you see fit.

flanjabelle Mon 11-May-15 11:56:38

Yanbu. 7 is old enough to understand that someone who doesn't know her is not going to buy her a present.

MissPenelopeLumawoo2 Mon 11-May-15 11:56:47

YANBU. There was a thread on this once, a sisters partners child who the OP had only met once. Her non giving of a present to this girl she hardly knew had caused a massive rift. I don't think it was ever resolved.

It is dead cheeky of this man. I would just ignore him and his demands.

TapDancingMollusc Mon 11-May-15 11:57:30

He's got no right to dictate who you buy presents for.

He is quite controlling and is not always kind to A's DCs shock

mummytime Mon 11-May-15 11:58:47

No one has a right to presents - his attitude sounds very suspect. You are within your rights to say no (in fact everyone who knows him is telling you to).

What is he going to ask next? That friends of her DC who buy them birthday presents also buy his DD one?

londonrach Mon 11-May-15 12:00:27

Id Just buying for all. Unless its close family or seeing child on their birthday i stopped for all friends children after birth present. The main reason it gets silly. They get a nice card.

MildDrPepperAddiction Mon 11-May-15 12:01:43

Tell him to get lost.

How is he controlling/not kind? He sounds like a total arse.

londonrach Mon 11-May-15 12:02:39

Theres the word stop in my sentence! Stop buying for all....

Lipsync Mon 11-May-15 12:02:51

I'd be unimpressed with A passing on her husband's boorish sense of entitlement about his daughter - she should have been the one to nip it sharply in the bud and tell him in no uncertain terms that her stepdaughter had no entitlement to expect regularly presents from someone who has met her precisely once. I would find myself wondering whether A secretly also thought you should be buying her stepdaughter presents but presented it as her husband's idea. Otherwise, why pass on such an entitled demand? Or is she afraid of him?

Tizwailor Mon 11-May-15 12:06:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crazykat Mon 11-May-15 12:08:19

I'd keep doing what you're doing. You don't know his dd so why should you have to buy her a present.

If you saw his dd as much or almost as much as your friend's dcs then you should buy her birthday and Christmas presents. But as you say she doesn't know you from a person in the street.

At 7 she's old enough to understand. My dd1 is 7 and understands that my dsd gets presents from her mum's family while dd1 doesn't.

MythicalKings Mon 11-May-15 12:25:05

Thanks for not thinking I'm BU. I don't want to stop buying for the other DCs.

His DD is there at Christmas every other year when they open presents but she has presents to open from people who haven't bought for the other DCs so it's swings and roundabouts.

MythicalKings Mon 11-May-15 12:25:30

I'm *not BU

Floggingmolly Mon 11-May-15 12:27:39

Cheeky swine!!

CSIJanner Mon 11-May-15 12:28:04

Where does he want this to stop? A's 8yo DC is given a gift from a friend and then he demands his DD also gets one? Does she also get her own birthday presents on her step-siblings birthdays? Nope. Didn't think so.

If he can't be arsed to ask his own family to buy for their step-GC, then he can jog on. Think of it as a step-great godparent lesson on how not to be so graspy or entitled.

SolidGoldBrass Mon 11-May-15 12:29:21

Definitely carry on buying what presents you want to buy - and keep an eye on your friend who may need your support. This man sounds like an unpleasant dickhead and (hopefully) the marriage will founder soon and your friend be able to get rid of him.

SomewhereIBelong Mon 11-May-15 12:34:29

there are so many "blended" elements to our family I cannot keep up with who has what kids -

one brother has been married 3 times - has kids with all 3 partners - all 3 have other children too with other previous/later partners,

sister has 5 kids, 4 fathers - 3 of which have other kids with other partners,

other brother has 2 kids - one of which is his, one was a bump when he met his wife and has been raised as his.

DH brother has 2 kids of his own - after divorce he got together with a partner with 2 of her own, and his ex got together with a man with 2 of his own.

DH and I have 2 kids together - we are apparently the "boring" ones - no other partners, no other kids.

Presents are given to current "family".

ASorcererIsAWizardSquared Mon 11-May-15 12:37:19

the demand would piss me off, but would it hurt to get her a little token something?

i've never met my dsds half siblings more than a couple of times, and i think i've met the youngest once as a newborn. I still send over a little something each for them at christmas.

ooerrmissus Mon 11-May-15 12:42:39

No YANBU.

Unless of course this child you have met once is getting you a gift? No? Thought not.

Selfish twat.

ooerrmissus Mon 11-May-15 12:42:54

Him, not you, OP!

Floralnomad Mon 11-May-15 12:46:33

It's a difficult one and I think he is completely out of line but for the sake of A having a quiet life I think I'd get her a token gift at christmas even though it would stick in my throat to do so . We are in a similar situation in that my BIL remarried and has a step daughter who I have met twice ( when she was 12 and 14) ,she is now married with a baby - I wouldn't recognise this girl if I fell over her ,nor she me, but I dutifully buy a Christmas present for her / husband / baby and send the baby a birthday present despite the fact that we are never likely to meet - utter madness .

oddfodd Mon 11-May-15 12:54:23

If his DD lived with them full time and you had a relationship with her, then he'd have a point. But as that isn't the case he can piss off.

In any event, demanding presents is incredibly rude.

MythicalKings Mon 11-May-15 12:57:14

I think a token present may make things worse. He would expect the same amount spent as I do on the other DCs.

I don't see him often but I feel on edge when he's around. Goddaughter says he has Asperger's and that's why he's so controlling and edgy. He is very strict with all the DCs so at least he isn't favouring his own DD.

I don't think A is very happy but all I can do is be around for her if it falls apart.

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