to be a bit cross about cancellation of play date?

[Christophewouldgetit]

DD invited her friend, X, round for tea after school today. X has a brother who is in DS's class so it was agreed he would come too so both DC could have a play.

I've just been told that as X has been naughty over the weekend, the play date is now cancelled.

I know it's not the end of the world but both my DC have been really looking forward to it, I've bought in extra food (I know it's only two extra mouths to feed, and small ones but as a lp, I meal plan so this is annoying!) and it feels as if both DD and DS are being punished for something that X has done. DS is also quite young so it was the first time he'd had a friend round..

Not the best start to the week really... although on the plus side, I won't have to wrestle four children back from school and tidy up a train wreck if a house later.. but I'm still quite sad and angry really...

[sanfairyanne]

just dont invite them again - flakey parents are a pain in the bum

[SaucyJack]

YANBU. It was unfair of X's mum to dish out a punishment at your family's expense.

[TheOriginalWinkly]

YANBU. It's not on to punish you and your DC as well. Plus their DC most likely won't link bad behaviour at the weekend to no play date on a Monday, the punishment and the 'crime' are too far removed. And if my DC had been a PITA over the weekend I'd be thrilled to get shot of them for a few hours

[TheMoa]

I try not to cancel visits/parties as a punishment, for the reasons you state - it's almost like punishing someone else's child.

However, it has happened. I will not allow my children to behave like brats, and carry on merrily regardless. They see play dates and parties as huge treats, and sometimes I just cannot allow them to go ahead (play dates, more than parties).

At the end of the day, their child matters more to them than yours, so I'd just tell your child 'X misbehaved, and is being punished - their loss'.

[SavoyCabbage]

I would ask someone else instead.

[Notso]

This is why I never threaten to cancel plans like this.

It once happened to DS1. He was supposed to be getting a lift to a party with a friend. The Mum phoned and said he wasn't going as he had been naughty, so DS couldn't go either as we'd arranged for them to take and DH to pick up because DH was working in the morning.
What was worse was I had a text from the party Mum saying that the friend had turned up an hour later as his Mum had decided to give him another chance so poor DS missed out for nothing.

[MarniRose]

This would annoy me too so I understand how you feel.

I'd probably see if someone else wanted to come although I know the logistics of that might be tricky. I'm one of 'those' parents who don't do chatting or friend making at the school gates but I used to pop little notes in my youngest's book bag, inviting whoever he wanted to come for tea and to play. That worked really well I found

[NickiFury]

I had a Mum cancel her child attending a birthday party for dd because he'd been badly behaved. I think its way too harsh a punishment for starters and is also a punishment for the birthday child and their parent who has possibly paid per head as I had. It's very annoying.

[TendonQueen]

That is thoughtless of them. Text and say your DC will be disappointed and you will have to find another way of using the food you had bought. Why should they be oblivious to the impact their decision has had on you?

The suggestion of inviting someone else is good too - maybe for tomorrow if today is too short notice? Could you switch the two days' meals around?

[MarniRose]

Yes I think I'd text something like ' oh that's such a shame, my children are so disappointed '

[Marynary]

YANBU It is very unfair of them effectively punish your child for their own child's bad behaviour.

[AggressiveBunting]

Yeah, tempting though it is, i never threaten cancellations of plans where other kids will be impacted. Hence I just yell "no TV/ipad" all day long. YANBU.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

So you said x has been naughty so mum said he/she can't go I know it's a pain for you and disappointing for you little ones but this mum is making a point and disciplining her child. I bet he/she will think long and hard before doing that particular thing again.
However why punish the other child and stop him/her from going. Because frOm what I can gather from your post it was only one child that was acting up.
Also it is somewhat a bit bad mannered of the mum. You could have probably have spent a lot of money catering for them.

[Grapejuicerocks]

I'd definitely make the point about my children being disappointed. Text "Oh what a shame that x's brother and ds and dd are missing out because of x's behaviour. That's very sad"

[passmethewineplease]

YANBU. Whilst I can see how cancelling a play date may be a useful punishment I wouldn't want to disappoint the other child who was looking forward to it.

I'd try my best to find another way.

[MrsItsNoworNotatAll]

I was very tempted not to let dc2 go to a party that she'd been invited too as she'd behaved badly the day before and spoilt the day for us all. I let her go anyway as I thought of all the trouble her friends mum will have gone to and she'd probably be stressing that kids might not turn up, just like I did when I'd arranged parties.

She (dc2) didn't go unpunished though. I made sure she knew she was only going for the sake of her friend who'd invited her and it would spoil it for her if she didn't go. Plus it got her out of my way for a few hours.

[ConcreteElephant]

DD behaved very badly at school last week - her punishment is no playtime in the playground before and after school as this impacts on her and no one else. She attended a club as usual (not fair on volunteers who run the club otherwise) and 2 parties (not fair on birthday children or parents otherwise).

I can see why the Mum might have done it but I wouldn't pick that course of action myself. It would be easy for me to say 'no club, no parties' but it would bring so many others into DD's punishment. Can you invite someone else instead OP?

[MokunMokun]

It is really rude. I'd also be very tempted to say something about how disappointed your kids are and about the wasted food.

[AmateurSeamstress]

Not fair on your kids and very short notice to cancel, YANBU.

[Fleecyleesy]

Yanbu but in the woman's defence, she probably had behaviour from hell from X and wanted to dish out a harsh punishment to improve it.

She probably hadn't thought it through from your (and the dc) perspective and also her dd probably won't learn from the incident.

But regardless I am wary about making arrangements with people who have form for pissing me about.

[LittleIda]

I agree op. They could have done something else like no Tv instead of doing something that punishes your kids and your pocket too, plus I'd have spent ages trying to get my house guest ready, which would have been a further annoyance

[LowryFan]

This has happened to me, and its just one of those things tbh. The children of the Firm Parent are much better behaved than other children who come to play so I think long term it is a good strategy. I'd rather have a postponed well behaved child than some of the non disciplined horrors I've encountered!

[Christophewouldgetit]

Thanks all - and echoes my thoughts really..

I agree that X obviously needed punishment for her mum to have taken this step but just seems unfair on my DC and her DS too..

It's a bit late notice to invite anyone else unfortunately as I don't know that many of the other mums and I am at work now.

Chalk it up to one of those things I guess - glad to have got it off my chest

[ArcheryAnnie]

When my DS was playing up at a playdate (at which I was also present), I gave him three chances and then - in the middle of a meal - packed him up and took him home. The other mother supported me entirely, and it did not affect the future playdates and invitations we exchanged after that.

I get that your kids are disappointed, but if other parents have a system of discipline that works for them, then I can also understand why they feel the need to stick to it. Inconsistent parenting doesn't help anyone.

Invite someone else.

[pictish]

Yanbu. I agree the punishment is too strung out and affects your kids too, so not very sensible or fair.
I'd be tempted to say "Any chance (dd's friend) can still come along? I have bought food in especially and it seems a shame for them all to miss out."

That's not cheeky.