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To be angry with DF?

(11 Posts)
molehillormountain Mon 11-May-15 06:29:08

Bit of background, my parents divorced ten years ago and my dad was lucky enough to meet another woman who he married. She is quite a strong character, and a heavy drinker at that - while my dad is weak in nature, and a bit of a sheep. For example, he started smoking at the age of 55 because she does, and also became a heavy drinker because she is. Got a tattoo because she has several.

When they got together, that was the end of my dad and I having time on our own at all as father and daughter-because it upset his new wife being left out. I tried to explain that it was not personal why I wanted to see my dad on his own occasionally, but he stood firm that if I had things to say, I could say it in front of her too. I accepted that if I wanted to see dad, he would always be with his wife. Please note i never gave the impression she should be excluded, I just wanted some time alone with him every now and again. We used to be close and train together in a hobby three times a week when I was growing up.

We have had a bit of a rough week because my DGF passed away. I was very close to him, and had a great relationship. DF, on the other hand, did not. He saw DGF once or twice a year and did not visit him in hospital or return his phone calls. My DGF would often ask me why not, which put me in an awkward spot.

On the night we thought we were going to lose him, I could not get hold of my dad, despite trying several times, but luckily, DGF survived till the next day and DF was able to say goodbye to him. I was there on the night he died and have been so upset to see him that way.

When he passed away, I called my dad to say how sorry I was but could not get through and wrote him a message, which he replied to. Tried several times throughout the day to contact him and no answer, messages continued.

To my horror, his wife had put a message on Facebook in front of a large audience, something along the lines that I was a rubbish daughter and had not tried to contact my own father since the death of DGF. I think she was drunk but I could not believe she would lie and humiliate me in public like this. I am also a little gobsmacked they are plastering all over social media how sad they are feeling, when they were hardly in the life of DGF, and they are being mean to me about not being there for THEM.

I sent a message to DF saying I had seen the comment his wife made and reminded him that I had tried to contact him in addition to the messages several times but he didn't pick up. He has not replied to me. I feel so sad i haven't slept all night.

Sorry if this sounds like something off Jeremy Kyle.

AIBU to be angry and how would you handle the situation from now on? I feel I have lost my father as well.

Thanks in advance

Jessicalovessunshine Mon 11-May-15 07:59:52

Oh OP, firstly I am really sorry to hear about your grandfather. Losing someone who you love is very difficult at the best of times, without the additional issues your father and step mum seem to be causing.

I would be tempted to respond to the message on FB (because I can't stand people who are bullies!) with something along the lines of what a lie this is, and to say you have tried your hardest to maintain a relationship with both DF and DSM but you feel you being ignored continuously is doing nothing for your emotional well-being and you are going to stop trying to contact them and allow them to call you.

Is there anyone else you can talk to?

molehillormountain Mon 11-May-15 08:05:13

Thank you Jessica for your kind response.

I replied to the post on Facebook and said I had tried to contact DF several times and because he hadn't answered, I wondered if he was too upset to talk. I added that I had sent him several messages and he is fully aware that I love him and am there for him.

Still heard nothing from my dad. Not sure how to behave to them at the funeral.

LegoSuperstar Mon 11-May-15 08:05:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

molehillormountain Mon 11-May-15 08:47:56

Thank you Lego for your time to reply and good advice. It is just so frustrating because it is almost as though my DF has been brainwashed and actually wants to believe what she is saying. Or else why would he join in by ignoring my message?!

SaucyJack Mon 11-May-15 08:53:34

YANBU. Did you call him from your mobile?

If you wanted to respond publicly on FB you could just screenshot your call register and add the pic onto her FB status. I wouldn't get into a slanging match tho. Just stick to the facts.

molehillormountain Mon 11-May-15 17:51:36

Yes I did Saucy Jack. Good idea about that but I have commented and want to leave it at that as it is so embarrassing to have a debate on social media.

I still haven't been able to speak to my dad, I have tried him twice today and no answer.

Do I ignore them at the funeral?

Euphemia Mon 11-May-15 18:27:58

Of course you don't ignore them. Be the bigger person, behave with dignity and approach your dad in the same way you would have if the FB thing hadn't happened.

Sorry for your loss.

molehillormountain Mon 11-May-15 18:35:17

Ok Euphemia, you are right

GloGirl Mon 11-May-15 19:19:17

Grief is a terrible thing. Act as normal as you are able towards them regardless and reassess in a month or so

Sorry for your loss flowers

molehillormountain Mon 11-May-15 21:08:27

I have decided to come off Facebook now as i do not wish to read such comments ever again.

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