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To not want ILs to stay for a single extra night?

(98 Posts)
IsThisAllThereIs Sun 10-May-15 19:46:41

DPIL are lovely. They are kind and help out. They are coming to visit next weekend and have asked to stay 4 nights instead of 3. I really don't want them to though.

I know I abu sad but....

I just find it hard having people around. DD is 16 weeks and although we have a cleaner and the house is not a disaster, it is not that tidy. The shower has mould all over it, the kitchen table has piles of papers. I try to sort these things when DD is napping, but recently she has bucked her routine <sob> and doesn't nap at reliable times, or will only nap on me.

I am trying to do bits n bats of stuff for work, to keep the house running on a daily basis, to keep DD stimulated by reading stories, trying to get her back into a routine, trying to lose pg weight by walking every day and cutting out sugar, and trying to do projects round the house like shelves for DD room etc.

Sometimes the days pass so quickly without me seeming to achieve anything. Then I feel like a crap mum. Sometimes they stretch out endlessly and I feel a huge sick sense of panic and failure. I am desperate for DH to come home then but he works long hoirs and has recently had back surgery so can't do much.

I did the Edinburgh test online and scored 15. It said to contact an HCP if it was more than 10 but there is no one I can talk to. I have a massive fear of someone thinking I am not coping and taking DD away.

PIL live 300 miles away but come regularly for 3 ish nights. In the last four weeks they have come for two long weekends. I find it so much harder when they are here. I feel on show all the time. They very much regard childcare as the mum's job and will talk about DH helping me out if he takes her for 20min while I eat my tea. Last time they came I pretended I needed a nap and went upstairs with DD and cried for an hour. Then I couldn't come down as my face was all blotchy.

I know I'm lucky to have a gorgeous healthy baby and GP who care about her and want to be involved. But DH and I agreed a limit of three nights for guests and I just can't cope with four sad

Go ahead and flame sad

IsThisAllThereIs Sun 10-May-15 19:47:27

Fuck, that was some long ramble shit. Sorry blush

ImperialBlether Sun 10-May-15 19:52:22

Oh you poor thing. You don't have to worry that they'll take your daughter off you. Seriously - they won't. If they took the babies off every mum who is depressed, they wouldn't be able to cope!

I went to my doctor and gave her the choice of:

a) adopting my son
b) giving him something 'to make him easy to deal with'
c) giving me something

She said, "I think we'll start with you..."!! She gave me ADs and within days I felt 'normal' again. Because I felt happier, my son felt happier and was much easier to deal with.

You really should go to see your doctor. And as for your ILs, they ALL think their sons are marvellous and do all the work, even if they just pick up a bib. Just roll your eyes, start a thread on here and ignore them.

As for the 4 days, you could say your daughter's routine gets muddled up if they stay too long. Or suggest they go off for one of the days. Or you could go off - would you leave your daughter with them and go for a swim or something?

TheFirstOfHerName Sun 10-May-15 19:53:24

You need to do whatever is best for you (and by extension, DD) at the moment.

CrazyCatLady13 Sun 10-May-15 19:53:44

No flaming here, just sympathy.

Can you talk to your DH about how you feel, maybe postponing the visit altogether until you feel stronger?

GeorgeYeatsAutomaticWriter Sun 10-May-15 19:53:49

If they've come twice in the last month, I would have no qualms about saying that you need some family time alone. I'd be allergic to such regular long visits.

Do you not have a Health Visitor? Or a GP that you can talk to?


LapsedTwentysomething Sun 10-May-15 19:55:01

Three long weekends in a few weeks? OP you're a fucking saint. If they can visit that often, do they really need to stay at all? Oh, and get to the GP.

TremoloGreen Sun 10-May-15 19:56:24

oh you poor love. First off, do contact your gp or health visitor. They don't take your baby away because you're depressed. It is very, very common and they will try to help you.

Second, it sounds like you are putting an enormous amount of pressure on yourself. Are you on maternity leave? Do you need to do bits and pieces for work? With a 16 week old, your house will be in a state of chaos. Accept it and move on. I have never heard of a 16 week old with a routine. I don't think that exists. I still have a nap when dd naps and she's nearly 2! Do yourself a favour and get yourself a wonderful book called 'what mothers do'. It really will change your perspective. And read it while dd naps on you wink

stayathomegardener Sun 10-May-15 19:56:27

No flaming from me, it sounds tough especially after your DH back op.
Would your DH be willing to tell them that 3 days only as you have something pressing to attend to the next day?
To be honest I think you are doing well to have them again so soon when your DD is so little.

scribblescrabble Sun 10-May-15 19:56:58

You're not going to get flamed brew brew How close to the inlaws are you? can you or dh tell them how you feel? if you cant then I would put them off or use the time they are here to go and see your gp and tell them how you are feeling thanks thanks

Nolim Sun 10-May-15 19:57:48

Please talk to someone. Gp or hv for instance , and your dp.

Oh and at 16 weeks babies dont need much stimulation. And housework can wait.

ItsADinosaur Sun 10-May-15 20:00:10

OP you don't need a flaming! It's ok to admit you're struggling and ask for help, it really is. Please talk to your GP or health visitor. They will not take your DD away I promise.

Parenting is hard work, sometimes we feel like everything gets on top of us and we have this perfect role or image to live up to. It doesn't matter about the piles of paper or mould in the shower. The in laws will just have to take you as you come, that's it. If you don't want them there for four nights then say so, tell your DH. I can imagine their attitude of him 'helping' doesn't help at all. He's not helping, he's looking after his child, it's called parenting and I would be pointing that out quite firmly. And if they don't like it then they can bloody well not bother. But please ask for help.

Phineyj Sun 10-May-15 20:00:45

I have a 3 night maximum for visits too. Completely reasonable. I also understand how you feel about the awkwardness of guests when you haven't got time to clean/tidy properly. More to the point - so should they! Suggest to DH he postpones the visit for a few weeks - or could you meet half way for a day out perhaps?

ItsADinosaur Sun 10-May-15 20:01:07

Oh and neither of my DC had routines at 16 weeks, it sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself.

Corabell Sun 10-May-15 20:02:07

You poor thing. You sound as though you need a big hug and permission to say no to your ILs visit.

You are finding your feet as a new mum and trying to do much. Your post made me remember that I felt the same about the day stretching out in front of me. I also had PND and felt much, much better once I got support for it.

What about your own family? Do you have anyone that you could lean on? Or could you get DH to spell it out to the IL?

IsThisAllThereIs Sun 10-May-15 20:02:12

Can't leave DD with them as she is EBF and that is exactly the thing, they would be shocked I wanted to. They always smile fondly and say, oh we know DD is your priority and your focus.

And of course she is!

Cannot talk to my GP as practice will only let me see my named Dr who is a middle aged man who basically doesn't do Womens Issues, and pretty much doesn't believe in PND based on what he said last time I saw him - sort of muttered into his beard about "some ladies experience ups and downs, soldier on".

HV nice but already said it was a potential safeguarding issue that I didn't want to FF as DD gained weight slowly and dropped a centile. Am genuinely afraid to seem like Im not coping in front of her.

But thank you smile really just needed a sympathetic ear

YouMakeMyHeartSmile Sun 10-May-15 20:03:19

My IL's stay at a bed and breakfast when they come and visit as I can't cope with having them in the house so I don't think YABU!
Seriously though I think you need to talk to someone about potential PND. You say you've not got anyone to talk to, have you seen a HV since the baby was born? Are you registered with a GP?

YouMakeMyHeartSmile Sun 10-May-15 20:03:59

Took me so long to write that I cross posted with you OP, sorry.

Charis1 Sun 10-May-15 20:05:54

it is completely unrealistic to expect you to cope with house guests on top of anything else, but it isn't you responsibility to make excuses to PIL. Your OH needs to step up and sort this situation out, He needs to have that conversation with his parents straight away. they may be kind, decent grand parents and everything, but they are really being very inconsiderate to repeatedly impose on you n this way.

Phsteven Sun 10-May-15 20:06:20

I know exactly what you mean about constantly trying to get stuff done....but never seeming to achieve anything. I am at home with my six month old DD and completely understand about trying to do everything in nap time, or five minute bursts (with one arm). If you can keep more-or-less on top of the endless round of minor domestic tasks you're doing well. I tend to be pleased if the house is no more of a tip than it was at the beginning of the day and I've stuck a load of washing in. I also agree that many people, especially the older generation, see the child care and domestic stuff as the woman's responsibility, and this leads you to feel like you're the one who's being judged for any mess etc. I bet they're not judging you harshly though. If they're nice, helpful people they'd probably be upset if they thought they were making you feel under pressure.
It's a shame you feel like you do, because you really should be enjoying this time with your new baby.
In terms of the four day stay - I agree that it starts to feel like a long haul. Couldn't you have some sort of commitment that makes it inconvenient to extend their stay? It's hard because you don't want to upset them, but neither should you have them for longer than is right for you at this time.

PacificDogwood Sun 10-May-15 20:08:49

Cut yourself some slack - seriously!
You have set the bar for yourself very high IMO and of course it will be hard to live up to all those expectations.
First thing to go is 'reading to the baby' - read the newspaper and out loud if you want, DD will just as captivated whether your read the FT or a recipe or the latest letter from Inland Revenue.

Reduce your standards.

Do please talk to your GP or HV how you are feeling. Nobody is going to take your baby away from you, honest!

And no, of course YANBU if you don't want them staying longer than previously expected: your house, your guests. As they are you ILs it may be tactically wiser for your DH to have that conversation.

May recommend What Mothers Do - especially when it looks like nothing - excellent and uplifting, evidence based back which every new mother should get rather than fecking Emma's Diary IMO. Try and enjoy your DD sleeping on you; she is telling you what she needs just now and it won't last forever.

I struggled big time with motherhood, never had PND and still felt that the whole thing was awful until my DCs were a bit older.
Take one day at a time, ask for help, speak to people, look after yourself - that's not selfish, it is vitally important.
If anybody asks "is there anything I can do to help?" answer with a specific request "Oh that's so kind, please could you hang up the washing/bring us a casserole/hold the baby so I can have a shower without having to listen to screaming?". People like to help - you are doing them a favour wink

thanksbrewcake[chocolate] all help too IME.

PacificDogwood Sun 10-May-15 20:09:17

…evidence based book….


PHANTOMnamechanger Sun 10-May-15 20:09:55

surely you can ask to see a different GP? a female one perhaps?
there really is no need for you to feel so anxious and inadequate.

visitors when you are still finding your feet as a mum, and feel 'on show' all the time, are a PITA - and remember, what you do now sets the pace for the next umpteen years of their visits, and whatever you generously give, they will want more and more and more till they are staying 5 days at a time every other week!

put your foot down, get DP onside, try to get them down to one weekend a month at the very most.

IsThisAllThereIs Sun 10-May-15 20:10:51

Aw had only seen imperial's post at first - now feel all teary as everyone has been so lovely smile

PIL are down here to see DH at an event he's running - sort of expo thing he does for work, don't want to be more specific - so must be this weekend.

I don't want them to NOT come iyswim but DD is 16w like I say and this is visit no 5 I think. Plus BIL and family who booked a holiday cottage in next village the week my due date, thank GOD dd was quite early. That's before we get to my family, although at least I feel more relaxed with them.

glenthebattleostrich Sun 10-May-15 20:11:07

Wow. Just wow. I can't believe how much you are doing.

Your baby is 16 weeks, at that age a day was successful if I managed to shower, brush hair and eat regularly (very clingy DD).

Remember, everything is new and amazing to your daughter, she doesn't know or care about books, though its a lovely habit to get into.

Sod work
Sod tidying
Sod projects
Sod loosing weight, though do go for walks just because a walk with your baby is one of the nicest ways to spend an hour!

And say no to the visit, make up an illness if you have to but they've been there a lot. If they must come they stay in a hotel and visit for a short time.

Please stop, take a breath and just enjoy your baby. As long as you feed, change and cuddle baby you are a great mother. She doesn't care if there are shelves up or her clothes are ironed so please give yourself a break.

And yes, do go speak to your gp or health visitor. They are there to help.

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