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to think this reaction is OTT?

(16 Posts)
RedXan Sun 10-May-15 16:25:26

Sorry for the length!

My boyfriend and I are in our late 20s, I have children but he does not. We've been dating seriously for a few years now and we have plans to move in together at the end of summer. In the meantime I live with my children and he lives at home, spending 2-3 days here with me.

A few months ago a trip away was organised by his mother's friends, they are all part of a theatre group. My boyfriend helps them 1-2 weeks a year to assist with lighting etc just before shows. All partners will be going and are invited on this trip.

We discussed going on this trip but it's a bit expensive and as I have the children that weekend, I declined to go. Boyfriend decided not to go either, so we decided to look at a cheaper weekend away for us and the kids.

Until yesterday, when I received a FB message from his mum. By all accounts she has been a fairly lovely lady toward me in the past - though had a few PA comments to me on the odd occasion but I didn't think much of them at the time. This message though, it was awful! She accused me of not allowing boyfriend to go on this trip (?! Not true!) even though he 'desperately' wants to go. The message also told me he's 'chosen you'.

I was very confused by this whole thing so did not respond and forwarded the message to my boyfriend, who had literally just arrived at his home. He's now told me that he would have liked to have gone but wanted to go away with me and the kids instead. I am very annoyed with him for not making it clear he wanted to go on the trip (I had no clue! I wouldn't have minded). However it seems his mum has taken his 'oh yeah it would have been nice to go' comments as 'RedXan won't let me go'!!

He came back to mine to chat and to reassure me after my shock, but on his way out his mum said she 'won't go down without a fight' ?!? hmm What does this mean?! What have I possibly done? I have never said so much as one bad word to his mum nor given any indication that I am controlling!

I haven't responded to the message and won't be doing, though I can see she has blocked me now on FB and her husband (bf's stepdad) has unfriended me on there too. I haven't spoken to her regarding any of this and boyfriend has now supposedly had a chat with her to explain that I am not the villain in this piece.

We have plans to move in as said previously and hopefully get married at the end of next year. His mum has told him today she thinks this is all way too fast. I've been with my boyfriend for two years, as a woman in my own house with kids of my own that doesn't seem incredibly fast paced? I've known boyfriend since I was 11.

I've not had much dealings with his mum bar the odd special occasion, I am now worried as to what I can expect in the future! AIBU to think her reaction was rather extreme? Why didn't she take her concerns to her son? She's also told the rest of the group he's not going and 'why' (in her mind) so he's been bombarded with messages from them all.

I'm rather shook up now and worried how my future relationship with her will be affected sad

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sun 10-May-15 16:31:14

She's jealous and yes it is an OTT response from her.

I've not had much dealings with his mum bar the odd special occasion, how come if you've been with him a couple of years?

NRomanoff Sun 10-May-15 16:31:53

I actually think your dp is the problem. He says he actually did want to go but decided to go with you instead

What have has he told his mum to make her assume your are preventing him. And what did he hope to achieve by telling to you the 'won't go down without a fight' comment?

PHANTOMnamechanger Sun 10-May-15 16:32:12

think very very carefully about your future with him if he does not
1) man up
2) choose the weekend with you as agreed
3) tell his DM in no uncertain terms that her behaviour has been unacceptable and that if she cannot respect his partner she will not see him either

seriously love, read the threads about men who always defer to their mummy and allow their partners to be teated dreadfully even once they are married. You don't want that for the rest of your life, and she sounds the type to wear black and cry at her sons wedding!

ollieplimsoles Sun 10-May-15 16:36:49

Shit you need to nip this in the bud before you marry him..
He should have told his mum he doesn't want to go on the trip and taken your side.
Wtf does he mean 'not go down without a fight' why is he saying that to you?
There shouldn't BE a fucking fight, he needs to man up and get this sorted. You are a grown woman, his mother should not be sending you messages like this!

AlternativeTentacles Sun 10-May-15 16:37:57

If he won't tell his mummy that it was all his idea and to back off, then you really need to think carefully about this being a long term deal.

WhoNickedMyName Sun 10-May-15 16:41:07

you've got a boyfriend problem, not a MIL problem.

Eltonjohnsflorist Sun 10-May-15 16:41:09

I was also wondering why the relationship is so distant if you've been together a couple of years and DP is presumably close to her?

Anyway she's totally U. She's jealous. It will drive her mad if you don't respond smile
Feel sorry for her- she is so unable to accept that her son makes his own decisions she has to blame you that he doesn't want to go on some old folks jaunt

WilburIsSomePig Sun 10-May-15 16:43:10

I think he has told his mum that he would like to have come but that you don't want him to. Probably because he was too scared to tell her that he didn't want to go so it was easier to 'blame' you.

To be honest if he is prepared to let this go and not tell his mum to bugger off treating you like that, I'd be running for the hills.

RedXan Sun 10-May-15 16:44:21

I spent christmas night at his house with his family as my children were with their father. I've seen them once 'properly' since at a party. The rest of the time since then I've only seen them in passing if they are driving past etc. Boyfriend comes to mine on his visits and we both work full time.

NRoman I asked what she said to him on his way out and pressed to know. He didn't offer it up.

PHANTO this is actually a worry now sad I've never had the feeling before that he was a mummy's boy. When she sent me the message I forwarded it to him and accused him of spinning her a line, he's adamant he did not. He has now told her that he doesn't want to go on this weekend (TBH I would have flipped now, had he chosen to go after I've received this message).

He's promised me that he is committed to us as a unit. I am such a cynical person but I do believe him, he is a decent man and I know he doesn't want to upset his mother. But he knows he's an adult now, he has to act like one and she has to learn to let go.

It's not like it's their last holiday together anyway! They'd all booked to go to the U.S a while ago, before we were planning to move in together. I'm ore than happy to way him off for that trip (which will happen when we are living together).

NoArmaniNoPunani Sun 10-May-15 16:47:33

My MIL is very possessive over DH. But DH doesn't stand for it. If he did, we'd have problems. Think long and hard about this relationship. This kind of mother doesn't back off even after you are married and expecting children together. If your DP doesn't stand up to her you could have a lifetime of this crap.

FadedRed Sun 10-May-15 16:48:43

I suspect Dp's DM doesn't see you as an independent woman capable of living her own life with her children. She sees you as an 'unmarried mother' needing to 'trap' her darling boy into supporting you. This doesn't bode well for the future IMO. Though I might be being a bit harsh here.

Rivercam Sun 10-May-15 16:50:24

Why don't you invite around for a meal/coffee and get to know her better? Then maybe she won't be so cutting in her remarks. You've been cast as the wicked girlfriend because she doesn't you and it's easy to blame someone you don't know. Maybe a harmless comment from your son has been taken out of proportion.

PHANTOMnamechanger Sun 10-May-15 17:01:15

OK, so he is saying some of the right things, which is a good start. But you have to be 100% certain that he is going to stand up to her and side with you, before you move in or get married. Can you stand a lifetime of you and your DC being treated liek second class citizens by his mum? With you forever The One Who Stole Her Son.

Do you want to be one of the women who has a MIL who clicks her fingers and expects everyone to jump, who still expects to see her children every mothers day, every birthday,every christmas day, and to take her adult kids and NOT their partners away on holidays with mummy, regardless of their family and other commitments.

RedXan Sun 10-May-15 17:02:33

Faded Yeah that's occurred to me more than once too that she thinks this wat confused She wasn't exactly keen when he started to spend time with my children, that naturally meaning we were more serious. She does send mixed messages though, as she buys my children christmas presents and easter eggs.
His dad and stepmum are lovely, though I see them rarely but they really seem to like me.

RedXan Sun 10-May-15 17:03:02

*way not wat!

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