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Wedding AIBU

(23 Posts)
Itsjustannoying Sun 10-May-15 13:51:10

Very trivial first world AIBU, sorry.

I have been friends with the bride for 20 years now, she is marrying a man who has children already and who she started seeing whilst he was with his ex at which point I distanced myself from her as she didn't see that what she was doing was wrong.

We started seeing each other more when she her stb-dh left his ex partner and moved in with her a year ago, I still only saw her when she had his children as they are relatively the same age as mine and I think they found it easier on the weekends they had the children to have some company. She didn't seem as keen to meet up when she didn't have the children but I really enjoyed this time as it was nice to see my old friend again.

Her stb-dh's ex would like to meet her before the wedding which she is refusing to do. As a mother I would hope that if my dh and I ever broke up I would meet his new partner if she were to be a big part in my children's life and I told her this to which she was unhappy and totally disagreed with me. I didn't force my opinion on her just wanted to try and get her to see it from the other side. She is claiming the ex wants to punch her? they have never met and this is causing them access issues apparently. Again, she seems to have slightly distanced herself from me due to me disagreeing with her.

The bride and I have a group of friends who have been close for this period of time but she has picked one of these friends (the one who will agree with her at every point) to be her only bridesmaid, but she didn't tell me until an 'accidental' text message sent which was meant to be for her bridesmaid. Up until this point I have been told to organise the hen do and offered to put more money in for the bridesmaid as I know she can't afford it (which is fine by her, I checked, but I still wasn't told she was bridesmaid).

AIBU to be hurt that I am expected to be taking on bridesmaid duties when I am not a bridesmaid and the reason I'm not seems to be because I won't agree with everything the bride says?

Also AIBU to ask the bridesmaid to now organise the Hen?

WorraLiberty Sun 10-May-15 13:57:08

YANBU to ask the bridesmaid to organise the hen.

YABVU to assume you haven't been chosen because you disagree with the bride on those issues.

She only wants one bridesmaid and she's chosen her.

Sn00p4d Sun 10-May-15 14:02:02

I'm failing to see the relevance of your first five paragraphs?
No you don't have to take on bridesmaids duties if you're not a bridesmaid. You don't seem to particularly like the woman, possibly why she didn't ask you. Distance yourself from it and let the bridesmaid organise it.

paxtecum Sun 10-May-15 14:08:01

Let her organise her own hen do.

Bogeyface Sun 10-May-15 14:11:38

You don't seem to particularly like the woman

Why should she like a woman who refuses to acknowledge that having an affair with a married man was wrong? Who refuses to acknowledge the hurt she helped cause and to not try to make the mother of her stb step children feel better about the whole situation?

She sounds vile and I personally wouldnt be going to wedding. And no, I wouldnt be organising (or going to) the hen.

TheOriginalWinkly Sun 10-May-15 14:19:38

She doesn't have to like her, and I agree it seems she doesn't, but why spend time with someone and go to their wedding and take on bridesmaidy duties for someone you don't like?

OP YANBU to not organise the hen, but either she's your friend and you can get past the circumstances of your relationship or you can't and you ought to distance yourself.

NRomanoff Sun 10-May-15 14:20:23

Yabu to tell her she should meet her dps ex. There could be all sorts that have gone off and you don't know. Since she is your friend and you really like her, I would imagine she isn't usually so awful. The ex may want to punch her or put her in her place etc. If you think your friend is jus being difficult then I think you need to rethink your friendship as you seem to have very core values.

Yanbu to not organise the hen party

Yabu to be pissed off she hasn't picked you as a bridesmaid and to assume its because you don't agree with her.

Also in regards to seeing you only when the kids are there. That maybe because weekends they don't have the kids they use that time to di something as a couple. I am not sure why you added all the background info about how they got together, meeting up and the ex though.

Itsjustannoying Sun 10-May-15 14:42:02

I do like her - or maybe I like the memory of what our friendship was like growing up, I think that might possibly be it. We were inseparable for a good 15 years so I feel genuinely hurt and also upset that we disagree on core values NR I think you're right.

I gave the background info so as not to drip-feed and show how our relationship has fallen apart since she met her stb-dh.

I also feel like bridesmaid has limited moral compass and it is why they've become so close. I'm sure she has her own reasons for not having me as bridesmaid and our other two close friends but that's all I can see.

Nanny0gg Sun 10-May-15 14:57:25

I also feel like bridesmaid has limited moral compass and it is why they've become so close.

You don't like either of them.

Distance yourself and don't go.

WorraLiberty Sun 10-May-15 15:01:10

Maybe she just likes the other bridesmaid more?

It's difficult when you have more than one friend but want only one bridesmaid.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 10-May-15 15:30:25

If you want to retain some semblance of a relationship with your formerly close friend I suggest you diplomatically announce that you are standing aside so that the bridesmaid can perform her traditional duties with regard to the hen night.

If you also wish to withdraw your offer to subsidise the bridesmaid it may be that others in the group can pick up or share the slack?

However, I suggest you search your conscience to decide whether it's appropriate to attend the wedding when you clearly disapprove of the behaviour of one (or both) of the parties to the union.

Perhaps this particular friendship has run its natural course which is not to say it won't be resumed at some future date if, as often happens, it transpires that the groom is a serial philanderer.

Leeds2 Sun 10-May-15 16:31:34

Does the bride think that you will organise a "better" hen do than the bridesmaid? I would certainly be happy to hand over that responsibility, and let the pair of them get on with it.

honeyroar Sun 10-May-15 17:59:18

I can understand you disliking her initially getting together with her now fiancé (I would have agreed), however it's water under the bridge now and they're getting married, so it needs to be let go. I can perfectly understand that she would choose a bridesmaid that "is on her side" over an older friend that doesn't see things from her angle and almost seems to look down on her and her morals (although it's not fair to expect that old friend to organise the hen do). I'm a step mum, have been for years, and have never met up with the ex, nor would I have wanted to, nor did she (she was already married to her next husband), so I can understand that.

Itsjustannoying Sun 10-May-15 19:05:46

I think you're probably right honeyroar and the way you explain it makes sense, it does hurt though. Do you think though if your dh's ex wanted to meet you before you were married or when it got serious you would have done? I just put myself in the ex's shoes and I understand how powerless she must feel and when that concerns your own children and their wellbeing it must be devastating. I don't think I look down on her but I do think I judge her against my own standards which I don't think is correct usually but if people hurt others with what seems obvious disregard for their feelings that pisses me off and I tell them.

Yes Leeds she knows I know the kind of hen do she would like - country cottage, no strippers or willy straws, nice meal and maybe a small pub for us to sit around and chat in. I have told the bridesmaid to take over now and that sorry I didn't realise she was bridesmaid I didn't want to step on her toes - she said she thought it was agreed I would organise the Hen night but that was before full disclosure - not that I want to tell her that because it just sounds and probably is very petty.

goddess All of what you said makes sense, I think I need to have a good think about whether I should go with these feelings, I feel strangely dirty to be thinking of going and it is her day and I care about her still so I wouldn't want to spoil that. I am concerned I might cut myself out of my childhood friendship circle by doing that and I have few friends because I suffered quite bad PND with my first child and locked myself away although I'm getting out there now!

Itsjustannoying Sun 10-May-15 19:06:33

And yes, Worra she probably does like her more!!

honeyroar Sun 10-May-15 20:10:25

Hi Itsjustannoying, no I. Don't think I'd have ever met her initially if she'd suggested it. I think that my now husband is one half of my DSS's parents and has the right to/is responsible enough to choose his own life partner without having an interview by his ex wife. I generally leave him and her to organise things between them, but he will discuss things with me before finalising. I can't see how a meeting would actually achieve much, especially when there is cheating involved and hurt feelings (my ex cheated on me, and despite me having moved on and being happy I can't think of the OW or him with many nice thoughts, and that's without children). I used to be at school with my DH's ex wife and hadn't seen her for two decades. I was looking forward to seeing her again the first time we went to a school concert and yet she barely said hello, and is only friendly when she wants something in general. I don't like her much. Funnily enough, despite all the tricks and games we've had over the years, she told someone we know that had split from her husband that we all work very hard together to have a good relationship re DSS.

honeyroar Sun 10-May-15 20:14:08

Ps, do go to the wedding. It's only a day and can be borne, if you snub her by not going it may change your friend group and make things awkward at future gatherings? I'd just go and have a good time with friends. Feel happy that you're not a bridesmaid and don't have to get too involved with it all now, you can relax and enjoy yourself with no responsibility. Then you can step back and leave her to it a bit in general life if you want.

SolidGoldBrass Sun 10-May-15 20:18:17

It's funny how often people who bang on about their own moral superiority don't actually display very much of it.
You think you're wonderful because you have never ever compromised the sacredness of monogamy - what do you want, a medal? You disapprove of your friend's relationship, yet you're happy to make use of her and her step kids to entertain yours, you're sulking because she hasn't chosen you as her bridesmaid when you made it clear you disapprove of her relationship and now you are telling her to grovel to a woman who apparently wants to physically attack her! You're coming across here as unimaginative (it doesn't seem to occur to you that this XW might be an absolute cunt and a bully - a lot of people only find the strength to leave abusive partners when they meet someone new who restores their self-esteem) smug and very self-righteous - you are not the boss of your friend and don't get to tell her what to do.
If you disapprove of her wedding don't go rather than throwing a sulk because she's not immediately doing everything you say.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sun 10-May-15 20:28:05

I can completely understand why your friendship has become strained as a result of this. I think I would feel the same. But I can also see why, for this reason, she would choose a different bridesmaid.

I would go to the wedding. Time changes things and to snub her now might risk a friendship that has cooled now, but may become more important again in the future. This is not worth burning any bridges over, it really isn't.

Itsjustannoying Sun 10-May-15 20:33:36

I definitely wasn't telling her what to do, I gave my opinion when she asked and she didn't want to discuss because it wasn't what she wanted to hear.

It was actually my friend who initiated the visits and events when she had her future step children, not me. I wanted to see her at any point with or without children, she only wanted to see me with children in tow.

The sacredness of monogamy?! Wtf? They had children together and he was happily sleeping with someone else. Yes I do value monogamy and think if he felt that way he should have had the decency to leave his ex and children in a dignified manner for everyone involved.

If she's a cunt and a bully why would he let her have full custody of the children?

Itsjustannoying Sun 10-May-15 20:37:35

I'm also not telling her to grovel at all!!! Just meet and be on talking terms for the sake of the lovely children who honestly seem a bit lost.

Trills Sun 10-May-15 20:45:31

I like the memory of what our friendship was like growing up

That's not the same as liking the relationship you have wth her now.

Do you like her now and value the relationship you have now? If you do, then get over the bridesmaid part, and back out a little from how you think she should interact with her stepchildren's mother.

If you value her as a friend but don't really "approve" of her and her fiance, I can see why she'd want you involved in the hen do (which is about friendship) but not ask you to be a bridesmaid (having to stand up at the wedding).

She may even have been worried that you would say no to being a bridesmaid, since you don't approve of the way in which the couple got together.

Littletabbyocelot Sun 10-May-15 20:59:39

So puzzled by some of these responses. Yes he could have been leaving an abusive partner but far more likely it's an ordinary case of cheating and a devastated ex having said something in the past. Why would she wants to meet up before the wedding just to commit a crime?

I also don't think your advice was unreasonable. Decent people do cruel things but surely now they both want to make it as easy for his dc as possible. That includes being civil to their mum. My parents hate each other but my first step mum was a positive force in their relationship, building at least the semblance of a friendship between her and my mum. My second step mum won't have my mum mentioned in front of her and blanked her at my wedding. Guess which one I loved?

I think yabu, just a little, about the hen do.

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