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So now I'm a cruel person because I'm unlikely to have a second child.

(74 Posts)
Writerwannabe83 Sun 10-May-15 13:16:27

AIBU to think that some people spout out such utter, made up garbage in order to try and make a point?

I've posted a few times about my DH not wanting DC2 but that's an aside from this post.

When I was at work yesterday my colleagues were doing the usual, "When are you going to have another?" to which I replied I most likely wasn't as DH wasn't keen.

I then had to listen to three people sit there and tell me how incredibly cruel it is to only have one child and then one lady even said that in her culture it's actually considered to be child abuse to not provide siblings. I'm pretty sure that's 100% bollocks and she was just saying it to back up her stupid views.

Then one of them started talking about an adult 'only' who'd been left psychologically scarred as a result of being an only child as apparently the parents were so suffocating of her and always talking to her because there wasn't another child to talk to?! WTF. According to this 'tale' the child had never been allowed to develop or become independent as a result of her parents decision to only have one child and the damage could never be repaired....

I then had to listen to lots of, "I'd hate to be an only child..." said with complete disdain at the thought of such 'hell' being forced upon a child.

They continued with their horror stories and anecdotes about the 'only child they know who is unhappy/sad/lonely etc etc' - all of which I'm sure were either fictitious or very embellished with the sole purpose to guilt me.

I then said that actually my DH's concerns about having another baby were based around my health problems (of which they know about) and then surprise, surprise, they all back tracked. "Well that's different then isn't it..." they all chorused.

So apparently, as long as there's a health reason for not having a second child then it means the parents aren't cruel abusers and their anecdotes no longer apply hmm

I guess their opinions and stories only stretch to the parents who choose to not have another child for the perfectly fine reason that they are happy with just one. hmm

The whole conversation was just ridiculous. Do people really not engage their brains when they speak sometimes?!

After that I had to listen to them tell me how I should 'accidentally' get pregnant behind DH's back as sometimes "men just need a push in the right direction."

I told them that if in future I needed moral advice they'd be the last people I'd turn to.

AliceInSandwichLand Sun 10-May-15 13:17:54

How offensive. I'm an only child, aged 50, and I seem to function. What amazing prejudice. HTH!

level3at6months Sun 10-May-15 13:20:11

Just don't listen to them. They're not you, they aren't in your circumstances and it's your choice.

lordStrange Sun 10-May-15 13:20:13

Your colleagues are deranged and you showed great restraint smile.

Your child will be completely happy regardless of whether there is a sibling or not.

OliviaBenson Sun 10-May-15 13:20:25

Really offensive and horrid. For what it's worth, we have decided to have no children and people are very judgemental of that.

I know lots of only children who are fantastic.

Drinkstoomuchcoffee Sun 10-May-15 13:21:22

There are a lot of really stupid people in this world. Don't take any notice of them.

ShumbTucker Sun 10-May-15 13:22:53

Ignore them love. My DS is 11 and an only and has had so many experiences which we could not have afforded if we had two! He regularly gets to take friends on days out and even on holiday which he loves, he gets to go on all the expensive trips which would have to be curtailed if we had to fund 2. He has plenty of friends and is comfortable in the company of his peers and adults alike. I have a sister and I can't stand the woman, we are like chalk and cheese. Providing a sibling does not guarantee they will like each other. DH is one of 3 and has an idolised older sibling and a spoilt younger one, he would LOVE being an only wink

WorraLiberty Sun 10-May-15 13:23:06

Where do these people come from?

My eldest was an only child for 7 1/2 years and I never had any of this 'cruel' crap.

Perhaps I've got a fuck off face?! grin

Eigg Sun 10-May-15 13:23:10

Clearly your colleagues are pretty unpleasant. And talking nonsense.

In future it might be better to cut them off sooner. 'We're happy with our decision, I don't wish to discuss it further' <big smile>

They are only colleagues, they are in no way entitled to comment on your life.

Raindropfountain Sun 10-May-15 13:23:10

I'm an only child.

Being an only child has effected my personality to a degree, but I've observed many many times that having a sibling has an effect too, positively or negatively.

I've seen some people who were totally screwed up because of negative relationships with their siblings.

People always seem to forget that you only have so much control over your children and their personalities. You can do nothing to guarantee that your children will get on.

Sorry to hear you got such a drumming.

WaitingForEgg Sun 10-May-15 13:25:24

I think how many children you choose to have is a very personal decision. One that is no one else's business. Being an only child does have it's downsides of course, the lack of siblings to play with, the higher sense of responsibility to achieve as there is no one else to fulfil parental wishes. However having a sibling doesn't necessarily remove these issues. Many children do not get along with their siblings, is this any better than being an only? Sometimes children feel threatened by siblings who are more academically able, talented etc, is this any better at driving them forward in life? Many families do not stick together when parents become elderly and unwell. Usually there are one or two children that shoulder most of the responsibility, as people live far away, have passed away, or simply no longer have a close relationship.
Having multiple children is no guarantee that any of what people perceive as "drawbacks" of being an only child will not happen.
You and your DH make the decisions. Your child will not suffer as a consequence.

Writerwannabe83 Sun 10-May-15 13:28:40

The ironic thing is that one of them then started talking about how much she hates her brother and how growing up with him had been so difficult and then to top it off their chat progressed to tales of favouritism within their families!! They were discussing which of them had been the unfavoured child (in their eyes) and how hard it had been to grow up with siblings in such circumstances and how much upset it had caused them in their childhood.

I felt like I was in some kind of parallel universe....

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Sun 10-May-15 13:30:25

How rude of people. If you don't want anymore dc's that between you and your Dh. Are these people going to keep the baby for you pace the floor with in when it's screaming with colic at 2am in the morning. Deal with the terrible twos the stroppy teens? Didn't think so! So they have no right dictating the size of someone's family. Also what about couples who can't have more children. We don't all get pregnant any time our dps/Dhs look our way.
And then you get the if you can't feed them don't breed them brigade, so with society no one can win.

WorraLiberty Sun 10-May-15 13:30:43

Do they ever get any work done? grin

Fuck 'em OP

They sound bonkers

millymae Sun 10-May-15 13:33:23

What a load of bollocks OP. Ignore them!

Writerwannabe83 Sun 10-May-15 13:35:13

I found it interesting that of the three of them, two were making the much bigger deal of it and those two were much younger than me and don't have any children. They are clearly experts on the matter grin

chilliexpress Sun 10-May-15 13:35:43

It's incredibly rude of them and it shouldn't be a topic for discussion in a work environment hmm.

I have chosen to just have one child, but I don't volunteer any information about my circumstances or reasons. If they keep pushing I tell them that I'm infertile (although that isn't true), as that seems to get the least judgemental response and tends to close the discussion. I'm not going to waste my breath arguing or justifying my personal decisions.

fiveacres Sun 10-May-15 13:36:25

People do talk nonsense. Luckily, I only know one person like this in RL - who does have one child, a daughter who is now 19. Apparently she (the mother) was 'selfish' and the daughter 'resents' this.

Piffyonarockbun Sun 10-May-15 13:36:32

i have one dd aged 15 months and ever since i had her i have been wistful for another. i wanted the excitement of another pregnancy. my dh had stated often that he did not want another, was amazingly happy with our dd and wanted to concentrate on her. we have discussed it a few times and it has been me saying i would love another and im sad i will never be pregnant again or have another baby. i can see dhs point, we had a couple of losses before our dd and we had agreed that if we had one more loss we would stop trying as we both found it so devastating. we are incredibly lucky to have one happy, healthy dd and she is a joy.

today my dh asked me out of the blue if i really wanted another baby. i could see he would consider it if i said yes. i looked at our dd happily playing with her toys and i thought for a minute and then i realised no, i dont want another child. i had been viewing my pregnancy with rose coloured glasses. i was never excited, i was too terrified of losing her.

we have been telling people since we had her that we arent having another and we have never had a negative comment from anyone. most people understand that we can give one far more opportunities than we can give two and are supportive of us. i think you either need nicer colleagues or you just need to tell a porky and tell people you havet decided yet wink.

my dh is an only and my sibling is 7 years older than me and we have nothing in common and havent spoken for over a year. i have never heard anyone make the comments about only children that you seem to be getting. next time someone asks just tell them you dont know and laugh it off. its noones business but yours and your dhs no matter whether you want one or a hundred or your reasons for having them! grin

Viviennemary Sun 10-May-15 13:37:41

You do what you like. I was an only child and hated it. I longed for a brother or sister. And vowed not to have one child if I could help it.

Sn00p4d Sun 10-May-15 13:40:12

Send them my way. I've got a beautiful daughter who's three months old. She will be an only child. I always wanted two, as did my husband, but she was born with a condition that has a 50/50 survival rate. It may or may not be genetic, no one knows but chances of us having another child with this condition are 1 in 50. I'm not taking that chance. Personally I think it would be more selfish to palm my daughter off on relatives while we sit in intensive care with a sibling that may or may not ever make it home, but hey, that's just me! People are cunts.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Sun 10-May-15 13:40:43

DM was an only child. She always said she would have liked a sibling - but only because her parents didn't play with her & she wasn't allowed to friends' houses to play either.

I do know ONE adult who was/is a very overindulged only child. She still acts like a child now - age 48 - in many ways. And still lives with her mum who she calls "mummy".

However, she is just one of many only children I know, and the rest have all managed to become nice, normal, well adjusted members of society. Just like those of us with siblings grin.

ibitemythumbatyou Sun 10-May-15 13:42:50

I'm very thankful that I have a sister, but that's because we get on and are friends and enjoy spending time together. However there is never any guarantee that just because you are related means you will be friends or even like each other.

The people that are saying you are "cruel" do not know your life and they won't be there to help raise the second child you're supposedly suppose to have.

It's your life and a joint decision, don't let ignorant people have a say in that decision.

BettyCatKitten Sun 10-May-15 13:59:57

Onelies usually do very well as they have all resources spent on them. If you look on some other boards Eg relationships you'll find plenty of posters who dislike their siblings and their problematic relationships!

jeanmiguelfangio Sun 10-May-15 14:00:53

I'm an only, and no psychological problems that I know of, and I always had people to talk to other than my mum. I had a happy childhood, and enjoyed the company of adults as well as children.

I am also the mother of an only. She is 2, and to have another would damage me too much, not physically but mentally and I assure you nothing to do with the lack of siblings. There is no point having another if I couldnt be a good mother. I obviously think of my dd in this decision, but of course it has to be the best for me too.

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