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To think DBil is an arse

(41 Posts)
brotherhoodofspam Sun 10-May-15 08:31:04

DH's only sibling, DBil moved to the other side of the world 20 yrs ago where he's now married with 2DCs similar ages to our 2 (9 and 12). DH has always had a bit of a stormy relationship with him but we've kept in touch - Christmas and birthday presents for the kids and we've been out to visit twice. They haven't been here for more than 10 yrs which I know has hurt DPils (who use up most of their pension trying to visit them as often as possible). DPils are there just now and DH got a phone call from DBil yesterday (a rarity) to say they were coming over for a visit. DH was initially v. pleased, went to get calendar etc till DBil said that the fortnight they're coming he knows is the fortnight we're away on our Summer holiday. He realised we wouldn't be able to meet up (unless we could meet for a couple of hours on the way to the ferry) but was really just phoning to let us know that DPils won't now be able to look after our dog as arranged as they'll be spending time with them. DH is really hurt and is now saying "that's it, nothing more to do with them". He's also really hurt by his parents as he's imagining them all sitting planning this and thinking it's ok that the only time they're able to visit in 10 yrs is when they know we're away. I suspect PILs had no choice in it and are making the best of it, but I don't really know how to make DH feel any better about this and I hate to see him so hurt. I have suggested that once he's calmed down a bit he emails DBil and explains why he's upset but I don't think he will. DPils live near us and we do a lot with them but I think at the moment he's really pissed off with them too. So perhaps not AIBU more of a rant but any words of wisdom appreciated.

NRomanoff Sun 10-May-15 08:37:48

I think you dh is over reacting.

I do not think dbil should be telling your dh that pils aren't looking after the dog. If they don't want to because it will stop them doing things with bil its understandable. They may have said they didn't want to cancel and he did it for them.

Did bil arrange it so he he knew you would be away on purpose?

Unless he knows all the details its a bit silly to decide he is cutting him off

Why is your dh so bothered about them all spending time together when he is away?

Your dh gets penty of time with his parents, his brother is coming over for the first time in years. Their parents are upset he hasn't been over so he is coming over.

GloGirl Sun 10-May-15 08:38:15

I can't see why your PIL are even a tiny bit at fault but your BIL is a complete arse and I would have no more to do with him either.

MildDrPepperAddiction Sun 10-May-15 08:39:08

YANBU. Your bil is an arse of the highest order.
Let your DH decide how he wants to proceed and support him. He might be right to go NC though ( with bil, not pil). Your pil are stuck in the middle.

confusedandemployed Sun 10-May-15 08:41:12

He sounds like a right arse. And frankly, if your PILs have committed to having your dog, I'd be less than impressed with them too.

NoArmaniNoPunani Sun 10-May-15 08:41:17

Surely the OPs DH is upset because they've picked the only 2 weeks of the year where the brothers can't actually see each other. It does seem a bit deliberate

Icimoi Sun 10-May-15 08:42:48

I'm assuming that for some reason that is the only fortnight BiL can manage, it's unlikely to have been deliberate. Can any of your holiday plans be changed?

Caboodle Sun 10-May-15 08:48:41

What if this is the only time dbil can get off work? Why is dbil telephoning and not dh's parents?
Put the dog in kennels...your dog your responsibility.
Dbil.moved away...why is he expected to come home to visit regularly..may not want to spend precious holiday time with a db he doesn't like and may not be able to afford it.
Fwiw I think your Dh should be happy his parents are getting a visit from dbil.

NRomanoff Sun 10-May-15 08:50:01

Like icimoi my assumption is that he hasn't done it on purpose or it has to be those weeks.

The OP doesn't say he did it on purpose, that why I asked. If the dh is assuming it done on purpose, then he is over reacting, imo

esiotrot2015 Sun 10-May-15 08:52:58

It might be they want their children to get all the grandparent attention as they don't see them much ?

Tbh id think dh & bil are no longer close & i wouldn't bother visiting them any longer

esiotrot2015 Sun 10-May-15 08:53:35

But if dh is really bothered I would consider rearranging your holiday if there's no money lost ?

CombineBananaFister Sun 10-May-15 08:57:29

The dates clash is just unfortunate but with them not having seen each other for so long you'd think Dbil would ring up to see when everyone is free so they could make the most of such a long trip unless he is tied to those weeks.

The dog thing is none of his business and he's being an arse, if the Pils don't want to have the dog that's their conversation to have with you and I would be annoyed with that as they've made a commitment which you've based plans on. Dbils plans shouldn't just trump it.

brotherhoodofspam Sun 10-May-15 09:17:14

The fact they can't look after the dog isn't really the issue, more that it seemed that was the only reason Bil bothered to phone and tell DH. I think PIL are stuck in the middle. Bil are having 1 week in this country, staying 2 hrs away from where PIL live and I think expecting PIL to go over in their caravan and stay near them, then going to France for a week so clearly not too bothered about lots of quality time with grandparents. BIL runs his own highly lucrative business so presumably can decide for himself when he takes time off. Our holiday's been booked for months, expensive overnight ferry that can't be changed. I think even if BIL doesn't care about his relationship with DH, we've always tried to make an effort to let the cousins know each other and he doesn't seem to put any value on that either.

chicaguapa Sun 10-May-15 09:17:41

Yes BIL is being an arse. He doesn't get to swan in on a flying carpet and run the show.

PIL have probably agreed to everything because they are caught up in the moment of being over there. I would wait till PIL are home and speak to them about it then. They had already agreed to look after your dog so hopefully will honour that. If they can't see if there's a compromise to be found. It won't happen again for another 10 years so it's not worth upsetting PIL over. Let PIL enjoy their time with BIL and his family and don't make them choose. They'll thank you for it and you keep the moral high ground.

In the meantime just carry on as you are with BIL keeping him at an arm's length. Rise above his jostling for position and be glad you won't have to spend any time with him when they're over.

musicalendorphins2 Sun 10-May-15 09:18:17

I agree that the dog sitting is none of his business.
If I were your dh, I would feel the same way about the brother.

Topseyt Sun 10-May-15 09:27:10

Yes, BIL is being an arse, but I can't see why his presence will mean that your PIL can't look after the dog. Surely that is their decision to make, not his. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

BalloonSlayer Sun 10-May-15 09:28:27

Sadly, the "stormy relationship" works both ways. It looks as if BIL doesn't want to see his brother and that's why he has booked those particular weeks.

I'd say it's time to say to yourselves "Message received and understood," dust yourselves off, book a kennels and concentrate on your own loving family in this country.

And next time you have saved up £10,000 for a long-haul holiday - you can take the DCs to Disneyland instead of feeling you ought to go to see BIL.

NRomanoff Sun 10-May-15 09:35:35

So dh is upset because he feel bil is coming over those 2 weeks on purpose.

Why does he think it will be on purpose?

Does bil not want to see dh? Or maybe wants to ensure the week he has here, he can spend with his parents? Or ruin your holiday?

Your bil does sound like a tit, but I failing to understand why you dh is getting so upset about it

brotherhoodofspam Sun 10-May-15 09:50:22

Romanoff, he's upset because he thinks BIL is being v. thoughtless and clearly doesn't value their relationship, leaving it 10 yrs to visit then choosing a time when he knows we'll be away. He's v well off so could easily have come sooner if he could be bothered but instead seemed happy enough to let PILs take out 2nd mortgage to be able to go and see them as they wouldn't come here. (because he's a selfish dick). PILs have been out every 1 to 2 yrs as a result (and are there now) but we haven't seen them for about 4 yrs. We'll put the dog in kennels - I know she's our responsibility, but will be very lucky to get anywhere decent now as we're going away for the most popular fortnight.

whathavewedonenow99 Sun 10-May-15 10:00:33

Will they want to stay in your house as you won't be there?

brotherhoodofspam Sun 10-May-15 10:04:19

No they're not staying in our area, they're staying 2 hrs away from us (and PILs) so PILs will have to go over in their caravan and stay near them. We have plenty of room and a granny flat we've offered them to stay in any time they wanted.

brotherhoodofspam Sun 10-May-15 10:13:43

Also, even if his dates are absolutely rigid (which I doubt) with a bit of discussion they could have had their week in France 1st then the week in UK and we could have at least spent their last weekend with them.

brotherhoodofspam Sun 10-May-15 12:09:31

Update. MIL has just phoned. It gets worse. Bil's family are only coming to UK for 4 days out of the fortnight, not visiting PILs but staying 2 hrs away and had suggested PILs come over and visit for a day only, this being their 1st trip here for 10 yrs. I think MIL is pretty hurt by this as well and if it wasn't for DGCs who they dote on probably wouldn't go. I've always thought he's a bit of a self centered sod but DH has made an effort to try and stay in touch. He now says this is the end any relationship which I find really sad but can understand.

fearandloathinginambridge Sun 10-May-15 12:19:46

Was going to say that with siblings there's always two sides to the story ie BIL may gave issues with your DH. However, having read the update it does seem BIL is a bellend.

BalloonSlayer Sun 10-May-15 12:29:29

Well yes then he clearly is an arse. He doesn't like you guys very much and has gone out of his way to make sure you know it.

In a way it's just as well that he is also snubbing your ILs because:

a) you now know it's not you, it's him
b) you will draw closer to ILs due to your mutual hurt
c) you will get your dog looked after after all

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