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second child dilemna

(23 Posts)
Jussayingisall Fri 08-May-15 14:38:39

So my wife and i have a beautiful 14 month old daughter and we are thinking of having another like we always planned. However since the arrival of our daughter i am thinking i am having second thoughts purely on the basis that i know i will favour my daughter over any other child cause she is my pfb confused (term i hate)
AIBU or is this normal?

midnightvelvet01 Fri 08-May-15 14:41:33

Its fairly normal but its also false. There is no reason why, once the second child is born, you prefer the first.

You don't have a finite capacity of love, its not as though there is only 100% of love available & your first child has 95% so there will only be 5% left for the second. Once the second is born you will love them as much as the first.

Stinkersmum Fri 08-May-15 14:42:06

In the sweetest way, YABU. Did you imagine the scale of the love you would have for your pfb before she arrived? I'm guessing not. It'll be the same with your second too. smile

DinkyDye Fri 08-May-15 14:42:22

I think it's normal to think that but it won't be the reality.

I had a little cry the other week for the change that much wanted dd2 will bring for dd1!

jimijack Fri 08-May-15 14:42:27

Normal. How can you possibly love another child when you are so consumed by your first?

But you do, really you do.

grannytomine Fri 08-May-15 14:42:31

Love grows, I remember crying just before my 2nd was born and thinking the poor baby would never be loved like his brother. He was and is just like his two younger siblings.

NerrSnerr Fri 08-May-15 14:44:06

I don't think this would happen. Did you love your family less when you met your husband? Do you live your husband less now your daughter is here? There is plenty of love for everyone!

Jussayingisall Fri 08-May-15 14:44:38

I guess a part of it is i suffer with slight anxiety and although i have not wrapped my daughter up in a bubble i am using a lot of energy worrying and protecting her that i feel i don't have any to spare for another child

TeenAndTween Fri 08-May-15 14:46:44

OP That's probably why you should have another child!

SuperMumTum Fri 08-May-15 14:46:58

I thought exactly that and was particularly worried when DC2 turned out to be a boy. I think I could only cope with the thought of another girl. Not true now. Love them both the same - exactly the same -and make room for both in different ways. DD and DS are both so special and precious. Its weird how the brain works. Obviously a survival thing.

midnightvelvet01 Fri 08-May-15 14:48:34

Do you think you need to let go a bit with your first? If you are this protective at 14 months then what happens when she goes to school & has a run in with a child who's unpleasant to her?

I think your second child issue is a red herring OP, & its a foil for your anxiety. Deal with the anxiety & the fear will go, I bet you smile

Jussayingisall Fri 08-May-15 14:48:36

Yeah i guess you are right. I am one of 3 and i didn't feel any less special than the first or second

Jussayingisall Fri 08-May-15 14:49:36

I dread to think would i would be like if another child was mean to her shock

midnightvelvet01 Fri 08-May-15 14:55:29

Of course another child will be mean to her at some point, & she has to learn how to cope with it. It may be at playgroup, nursery or school but it will happen & you have to equip her with the social skills to deal with it. Parenting isn't about swooping in at every little moment when a child takes a toy away from her, its about raising a capable fully rounded adult who is able to forge a way in the world with confidence & self esteem. If you protect her to the point where she can't interact with her peers, then you probably need to take a step back.

Alanna1 Fri 08-May-15 14:56:36

You won't! Don't worry. Plus second children almost invariably rock the cute smile and engaging twinkle.

Mintyy Fri 08-May-15 14:57:38

Yabu, it's not normal.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks Fri 08-May-15 15:04:32

I never thought I could love another child as much as I loved DD. Then I held DS for the first time and I knew I could.
It is totally normal to feel that way when your second child is just an idea, but it goes when that idea is reality.

VacantExpression Fri 08-May-15 16:21:03

Do it OP, your heart grows with every child. I love my second and third every bit as much as my first and know I would still have plenty of love for another just sadly not the space or money

Discopanda Fri 08-May-15 16:30:36

When I was pregnant I was genuinely worried I wouldn't love DD2 as much as DD1, didn't feel a bond whilst I was pregnant with DD2 and have spent 3 entire years devoting so much time and love to DD1 but it all completely changed when she was actually born. You love them all equally but in different ways.

Dublinlass Fri 08-May-15 17:36:57

I think everyone feels like that on their first. I have 4 and love them all equally. Now I'm actually from a family of 12 (typical Irish Catholic family at the time) and I honestly think my ma loves us all the same. She is on phone to us every day without failsmile

YourDaughterHasaTattoo Fri 08-May-15 18:34:33

Loving Two

As I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: How could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you've never shared me before. I hear you telling me in your own way, "Please love only me" And I hear myself telling you in mine,"I can't," knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying her -- as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two.

There are new times -- only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how she adores you -- as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments.

And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong.

And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you -- only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you -- you each have your own supply.

I love you -- both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.

~Author Unknown~

YourDaughterHasaTattoo Fri 08-May-15 18:36:29

Very unmumsnetty and soppy, but quite true

JohnCusacksWife Fri 08-May-15 18:36:59

I think it's natural to worry about this but it truly doesn't happen. Love doesn't divide, it multiplies.

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