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To feel guilty for going to work?

(19 Posts)
littleoneontheway Wed 06-May-15 10:53:29

I wasn't sure where the best place to post this would be, so here I am.

DD is 18 months, and I am pregant with DC2. Me and DP and not together anymore - only recently broke up. DD lives with me, ex visits her at my house for his contact. When ex is here I use that time to catch up on whatever needs doing - housework, my work, shower, etc. If what I do is my paid work I feel like he is somehow using that against me in the sense like 'oh she can't cope without me' etc. it's hard to put into words.

He makes out he is a hero for any amount of childcare he does - he doesn't work so the sole responsibility of earning money to support DD and my unborn child falls on me. Yet he makes me feel like a shit mum for earning that money as if I'm somehow neglecting DD. It's bringing me down (a lot) and I could really do with some outside perspective on this.

Sorry if it's all a bit of a ramble.

MammaTJ Wed 06-May-15 10:57:27

You are right, he is wrong! Simple! You cannot rely on him to put a roof over your heads or food on the table, you have to rely on yourself. The very least he can do is look after your DD to enable you to do that, in the face of his apparent inability to do so.

ANY comment about how wonderful he is for 'helping out' would be met with those bald facts.

WorraLiberty Wed 06-May-15 11:00:30

Remind him he's not a child carer

He's a Dad having contact with his child.

Nolim Wed 06-May-15 11:02:08

So he expects a medal for spending time with his child and you are a bad mum for putting food in the table??

What an arse. It is good that he is not your dp anymore.

littleoneontheway Wed 06-May-15 11:04:58

I think his line of thought is that I need to work therefore I'm not available 24/7 to care for DD. He is available at all times therefore he will use that against me to try to gain custody of DD (I know he wants this).

ilovesooty Wed 06-May-15 11:07:55

Why doesn't he work?

littleoneontheway Wed 06-May-15 11:12:40

Because he said it would mean he wouldn't be able to see DD much.

ilovesooty Wed 06-May-15 11:15:41

Well if he claims JSA he won't get away with that. If he doesn't he needs to and then you can involve the CSA to ensure he makes the appropriate financial contribution. If he isn't claiming benefits who's funding him?

littleoneontheway Wed 06-May-15 11:18:56

I don't know how he is surviving financially and he is being cagey about it. He may be claiming JSA and housing benefit but I can't be sure. His family dont have money to lend him and he doesn't play the lottery so it isn't that either. He mentioned an overdraft and credit card.

Nabootique Wed 06-May-15 11:20:11

I am shock at this. Does he use her as an excuse to not work? I used to have one of those.

littleoneontheway Wed 06-May-15 11:22:27

Nabootique - how did it turn out?

ilovesooty Wed 06-May-15 11:22:59

Well I think I'd be asking him. An overdraft and credit card won't cut it for long and he should be contributing financially for his children. On JSA he'll be expected to be actively seeking work.

DaysAreWhereWeLive Wed 06-May-15 11:23:02

I'd put a stop to contact being at your house; then he'd have no knowledge of what you're doing in your own time.

Nabootique Wed 06-May-15 11:24:44

I'll send you a PM as don't want to out myself.

MsPoodleLover Wed 06-May-15 11:25:13

Trust me on this one Little, you are teaching your children that you have to work to provide, rather than teaching them that you can get it all off the state. I worked when my son was little and he is now nearly 22 years old. He used to go to day care. He does not feel that he was neglected and now has a work ethic I am proud of. He trains as an accountant during the week and works in a pub at weekends for a bit of extra cash. Do not let your pig of an ex bring you down - he is a layabout, that is up to him (though just tell him from me I dont appreciate having to pay for his lifestyle in my taxes).

IMHO you are an amazing woman - you work, raise a child (soon to be 2) and run a house! Think of it that way and have a hug from me.

Nolim Wed 06-May-15 11:25:44

So in his mind the responsible working parent is the bad one and the useless one who is going into debt is the good one. Nice. confused

00100001 Wed 06-May-15 11:25:49

What a load of crock using her as an excuse for not working - unless he sees her mon-fri 9-5 then it's a load of crap.

Ask him for some maintenance money! Report him for benefit fraud.


ilovesooty Wed 06-May-15 11:26:25

I think I'd be seeking some legal advice regarding his financial obligations and disclosure of income.

missymayhemsmum Wed 06-May-15 18:34:38

YANBU, he is an idiot which is why he is your ex not your dh. If he says anything again offer to reduce his contact and say you'll get a childminder instead.
Point out that you recognise that you need to earn your own income and support DD and your new baby as he is a layabout and you can't rely on him for support.

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