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AIBU to think if your well enough to drink then your well enough to have sex?

(77 Posts)
Millymoosmolly Mon 04-May-15 20:32:46

Dp and I have been having issues with our sex life for over a year now! We basically haven't had sex at all other than two failed attempts which was basically no foreplay, just sticking it on for a few minutes before declaring it wasn't going to happen!

So we have discussed it at length and he agreed that he would stop being lazy and put some effort in, things actually got so bad that we nearly split up over it and we talked and agreed that we would make time not just for sex but to just get the intimacy back with kisses/cuddles etc.

So just after this convo he had a health issue that he is waiting for a hospital appointment for and since then he is basically using this as a excuse not to have sex! Yet he is still well enough to go about his normal life, go to work, gym, golf weekends and drink etc.

This weekend he got hammered out of his head Friday as we were at a wedding and spent the whole of Saturday and Sunday in bed hanging! Today was the first day he has felt better and I mentioned a early night to him but instead he has chosen to drink..... Now on 6th pint meaning sex isn't a option.

So AIBU to think if your well enough to drink like that then your well enough to put the effort in to get your sex life back on track?

VanitasVanitatum Mon 04-May-15 20:34:54

There's clearly a reason why he doesn't want to have sex, this is what you need to get to the bottom of. I don't think it can be as simple as can't be bothered - he doesn't want to/can't for some reason.

Not saying that this is to do with you, I would suggest he has some issues.

hiddenhome Mon 04-May-15 20:35:12

Is he playing away?

TheGrandHighWitch Mon 04-May-15 20:37:38

Quite simply, he doesn't wan't to have sex. I would guess that he has a low sex drive and doesn't often get 'in the mood'. I would recommend you assess as to whether this is a deal breaker for you or not and act accordingly as it is highly unlikely to change.

TheGrandHighWitch Mon 04-May-15 20:37:44

Quite simply, he doesn't wan't to have sex. I would guess that he has a low sex drive and doesn't often get 'in the mood'. I would recommend you assess as to whether this is a deal breaker for you or not and act accordingly as it is highly unlikely to change.

MinesAPintOfTea Mon 04-May-15 20:37:49

Neither of you should feel this way, but pressure on someone to have sex isn't fair. Especially if you are talking about excuses not to have sex.

Does he want to fix it?

Millymoosmolly Mon 04-May-15 20:39:25

No playing away is def not a option, I always know where he is and who with and have full access to computers/phones etc.

He is lazy and does drink a bit to much but surely at 38 years old he should still want sex

AuntyMag10 Mon 04-May-15 20:40:18

What does him drinking have to do with sexconfused. He shouldn't be pressured into it either.

squoosh Mon 04-May-15 20:40:38

Is he using booze to avoid having sex/discussing sex? Or using alcohol to blot something out?

Getting him to talk honestly is key.

hesterton Mon 04-May-15 20:40:46

How old is he?
Does he smoke?
Does he drink a lot frequently?
Does he watch porn?
To your knowledge, does he masturbate?
Does hebhave difficulty getting or maintaining physical erections?

Millymoosmolly Mon 04-May-15 20:41:36

He says he does, which is why I suggested we took sex off the cards and just kissed/cuddled more in bed with no pressure that it should go anywhere and he agreed yet 3 months down the line he hadn't put any effort in at all

ilovesooty Mon 04-May-15 20:41:41

The fact that he can still do all those things isn't necessarily relevant to his reluctance to have sex.

hesterton Mon 04-May-15 20:41:47

Sorry, X post! And mine looks like 20 questions... blush

PeppermintCrayon Mon 04-May-15 20:41:47

"But surely he should still want sex"

Not necessarily, no,

londonrach Mon 04-May-15 20:42:33

Is he depressed?

Well,you certainly win the medal for the most bizarre thread title!

You shouldn't be relating the two and shouldn't be pressuring him

Millymoosmolly Mon 04-May-15 20:45:09

Non smoker quit a year 8 months ago
Yes drinks very frequently
Yes I think he does wank to porn but don't know how often
The two failed attempts were because he was struggling to stay hard

He says there is no problem and that he wants to get it back on track

Millymoosmolly Mon 04-May-15 20:46:58

I actually haven't been pressuring him at all, I haven't mentioned it for 3 months except for suggesting a early night tonight, he has no idea I'm pissed off he choose to drink

Metalguru Mon 04-May-15 20:48:15

All very well saying OP shouldn't be pressuring him, but sounds like they came to a no pressure agreement that he isn't sticking to?

OP you really have to get to the bottom of WHY, if it's only been the last year and it was fine before then, it sounds like it could be an impotence/ libido issue that he is embarrassed about.

ilovesooty Mon 04-May-15 20:48:18

Has he seen his GP? Would you consider psychosexual counselling if a physical cause is ruled out?

It does sound as though he feels under pressure to perform.

Christinayangstwistedsister Mon 04-May-15 20:48:25

I dont think it is about being well enough to drink I thinking is about putting his effort and time into drinking rather than putting the effort into any intimacy with you

GetMeFlamed Mon 04-May-15 20:49:23

He doesn't want to have sex with you Millymoosmolly.


hiddenhome Mon 04-May-15 20:49:51

Not everyone wants sex you know.

Google 'asexuality'. Some people just aren't interested and have to force themselves to do it, which, for a man, is extremely difficult.

squoosh Mon 04-May-15 20:51:39

Best to let someone know you're asexual before getting in a relationship with them.

Charis1 Mon 04-May-15 20:52:36

I am asexual, hiddenhome.

I don't know if it is relevant in this case, but it might be.

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