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Goal posts moved and feel confused

(123 Posts)
harryhadhoops Mon 04-May-15 17:15:32

I have posted about this a while back, things kind of got sorted but have changed last minute. I am pregnant with DD(2) due end of June. I have an 11 year old DD from a previous marriage. I have been with current partner couple of years which has been a bit up and down. We don't live together but planned to move in and become 'proper' family for baby. He has two grown up sons who grew up with their mum and have not lived with DP since I have known him. DP told me a while back that one of his DS was going to be moving in on returning from uni. I said that I didn't feel comfortable with this for reasons including - have only met him a few times, i would be at home pregnant/with newborn with him and possibly his mates hanging around - i am a private person, posssibly a bit introverted and I don't want to live with a 24 year old man I don't even know at a time where I feel pretty vulnerable being pregnant and then with newborn. His mum lives around the corner and has two empty bedrooms so I don't see why he cannot stay with her like he normally does.

It was kind of all sorted but now 2 weeks before DD and I due to move in DP tells me that actually his DS is coming to live with us. I am really pissed off about it!! He pretended he didn't really understand what I meant and has asked his DS to stay with his mum for 2 weeks after baby born to give us some time, but otherwise will be there as soon as we move in. I tried to explain that if we were just moving in together then it would be different, but I am pregnant (complicated pregnancy, heavily monitored and will be having C-section) and I feel massively vulnerable not to mention feeling unwell a lot and if I want to just hang around house in my nightie then I don't want to feel unable to do so.

When DD was born I had a very bad time in hospital for a month beforehand, EMCS and then PND. I am really scared about it returning and just want to be settled and comfortable at home. Sadly, I actually don't feel I can do this on my own and need DP to be around to help as without my husband around when DD was born I don't know how I would have managed. DP is currently not talking to me as he says i am unreasonable, it is all about me and my DD, and his ex-wife took over his life and he won't allow me to do it. I have said if he is moving in there is nothing I can do about it - I will spend days in my bedroom if I want privacy... and I mean it!! He has been moody all weekend and I can't believe he is behaving this way as we are packing up to move in. I just don't want to move anymore, but don't beleive I can cope on my own - and it is unfair for DD to see me struggle if we stay as we are. I find I am already planning my exit and moving out once baby is a year old, get a job, get a place for me and my DDs... feel like I am going mad sad sad

crustsaway Mon 04-May-15 17:18:00

Im sorry OP but that is his son. You took him on knowing he had children. You sound a bit selfish to me.

Floggingmolly Mon 04-May-15 17:18:50

Spend days in your bedroom if you want privacy?? He's 24; how much time do you imagine he's going to spend hanging round the house? confused

Jessica2point0 Mon 04-May-15 17:20:56

harry, it doesn't sound like he has much respect for you. Moving an adult DC into your home should be a discussion and agreement, not a unilateral decision by one partner. Are you absolutely sure you would rather live with him than manage on your own?

BullshitS70 Mon 04-May-15 17:22:10

Don't move in with such a selfish man, you will regret it. Its madness to think its ok for you to live with a 24 year old man you have never met when you come out of hospital and are trying to establish breast feeding and staggering around in your nighty bleeding with a baby you are bonding with.

It would taint your whole 1st few months with your new baby. I would ditch him now instead of planning to do it in a year. Hes being completely outrageous; bow out now while you still can

caravanista13 Mon 04-May-15 17:24:02

Your DP has been cowardly pretending not to understand, but he will always have a duty to his son. Imagine how you would feel if, in years to come, your DP put the needs of another partner before the needs of the child you are expecting.

londonrach Mon 04-May-15 17:24:06

Yabu. Your new born baby and dd will be siblings to your dp ds. Hus father house should always make him welcome no matter what age he is. He sounds like a man who wont be aside his ds on behalf on his new dp. If he was that sort of man ask yourself would you want him?

cleanmyhouse Mon 04-May-15 17:25:31

Can you imagine how you'd feel if he said he didn't want your daughter living with you? I don't think you're being fair.

harryhadhoops Mon 04-May-15 17:25:36

I took him on knowing he had adult children who haven't lived with him since they were 6 years old... from the little I know of his kids they are great. It is about the timing of it ie. i feel at my most vulnerable and I don't want to hang out at home with son lying on sofa playing on xbox all day (with mates possibly) and yes I do know that this is what he does as DP told me! I guess he will start looking for work but its not easy to get jobs around here

Jessica I wish I had the strength and felt I could cope to not move, but I was knocked for six last time and just feel particularly the first few months I would struggle on my own

BolshierAyraStark Mon 04-May-15 17:25:47

He's 24, I doubt very much he'll spend that much time in the house.
Is he likely to be seeking employment now he's finished Uni?
I think YABU as this is his son, you knew he had kids when you got together.

Buttermilly Mon 04-May-15 17:26:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsMcWoodle Mon 04-May-15 17:26:18

I don't think you sound selfish at all. What rubbish! The young man is 24. You are the one who needs support now. If I were you I wouldn't be giving up my own place. And your DP not speaking to you right now is awful behaviour. Good luck op.

PHANTOMnamechanger Mon 04-May-15 17:26:55

sorry but YABU

it's not just you, him, your DD and new baby in some cosy little family unit. His other DC will ALWAYS be there as a huge part of his life - and you knew that when you got involved. I would have very little respect for a grown man who would turn his back on his son just to suit his new partner!

That said, you mention this has been an up and down relationship - I hope you dont think a new baby and moving in will be the magic cure for fixing it? Both those things are stressful and it does not sound like you and he have the same expectations! Recipe for disaster! I would seriously think long and hard about this. Especially for your DDs sake.

crustsaway Mon 04-May-15 17:27:31

I really don't understand why this man is the selfish one? Whether my child is 5 or 25 that will always be my child. He has taken on your daughter hasn't he.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks Mon 04-May-15 17:28:00

I think you should go in with an open mind. That is his son, and it is understandable that he wants to have him there. The son may well be a big help, he may keep your DD entertained whilst you sort the baby, watch the kids while you rest, help clean and cook etc.
Can you not just set ground rules for you all to avoid some of your concerns?

AgentProvocateur Mon 04-May-15 17:31:38

Even though he's 24, he's still your DP's son and he's perfectly entitled to offer him a room in his home when he returns from uni. You don't stop caring about your children when they grow up, you know. Most children I know (including my own) come home when they are between jobs/flats.

Jessica2point0 Mon 04-May-15 17:33:39

harry, in that case you need a serious discussion about 'house rules'. Set a time for friends to be gone home, no overnight visitors if you're not comfortable with it. Certainly none for a while after you've given birth, ideally no friends around without warning for the first few months. While you don't want to control his life, you need to feel comfortable in your own home. That way you can get to know him first, then get to know some of his friends.

It might be nice having him around. My DBro (22) is besotted with DNiece and really good and helping DSis to look after her.

You do need to talk to DP though. It's really concerning that he isn't considering your feelings at all. He needs to compromise after a grown-up discussion. Not just make such a massive decision on his own.

Mrsstarlord Mon 04-May-15 17:42:34

I'm surprised that you are moving in with him having only met his son a few times. His kids are his family, and your new baby's family.

I think YABU, as others have said, you knew he has kids - just because they are grown up that doesn't change anything, they are still his kids.

You are obviously anxious (and perhaps hormonal?) but the knee jerk reaction of planning to stay with him for a year whilst planning your escape? Not great for you, him, your DD or the new baby.

Agree some house rules and accept that it might even be a good thing.

BullshitS70 Mon 04-May-15 17:43:42

I am honestly really surprised a lot of people are saying 'you knew he had kids when you got together with him, just suck it up'.

The 24 yr old has never lived with his Dad, so how is he sure it will work out with you and the new baby. The 24 yr old is a man, why on earth would he want to live with his Dad for the first time when hes moving in with his DP and having a baby. If he was 8 I would understand it and of course the DSD would be included, but hes not and frankly its a bit weird

Micah Mon 04-May-15 17:47:51

I don't think yabu.

I haven't had a room in my parents house since I moved out. Parents had to downsize, so I don't get the idea that a 24 year old man should always have a room at his dad's house.

However I do agree with pp, get to know him a bit, he might surprise you and be a lot of help!

raawwhh Mon 04-May-15 17:53:54

YANBU I am the same age as your DPs son and I would not be moving in with my DF if his new DP had just had a baby if I didn't know her extremely well. He is an adult and needs to make and adult decision. Surely, the best place would to be with his mum who has 2 spare rooms and isn't going through a major lift transition.

I would be concerned by the fact your DP can't see how unsettling this would be for you and how it will effect his unborn child if his mother feels unable to sit on the sofa with a boobs out trying to establish breast feeding, or feels stressed by the fact that she is 'indisposed' in front of a 24 year old man she doesn't know.

Yes, he is no doubt lovely and may well be a great help but you wont be at peace in your own home and that isn't fair.

I can't imagine it will be overly pleasant for DSS either.

Mrsstarlord Mon 04-May-15 17:55:46

Bullshit - because he is his dad. Doesn't matter how old he is, the door should be open as much as possible.
The son is part of the family, just as much as every other member - don't understand the need to exclude him. confused

JanineStHubbins Mon 04-May-15 17:59:38

YANBU. Your DP doesn't sound very nice if he's going to force you to live with a grown man that you've met a handful of times when you have a newborn, have had a difficult pregnancy and a history of PND.

I know it's your DP's son, but he's 24 years old, not a child, and has another place to stay round the corner with his mother.

raawwhh Mon 04-May-15 18:03:02

Mrsstarlord - I think that opinion very much infantalises a 24 year old adult man. The OP was not expecting to have a man that she does not know (yes I know she is her DPs son but she does not know him that well and will not be able to get to him that well before the birth of her child) moving in with her at a time when she is at her most vulnerable.

We are not saying 'turf him out on the street' his mother, with whom he has lived with most of his life, has room for him.

At what age do we say you are wrong to not want your DPs adult children moving in with you - 30, 40, 50?? - he isn't a child.

Kampeki Mon 04-May-15 18:03:11

I think yanbu to feel uncomfortable about sharing your home with another adult. However, your DP isn't bu either, in wanting to offer a home to his son.

If you can't reach an agreement, I think you might have to rethink your plans about moving in with him. I know that you're worried about coping on your own, but could he not continue to support you while you stay in your own home? Is there anyone else who could help?

Ultimately, it depends on how strongly you feel about sharing your home. If you and dss do both move in with him, can you establish some clear ground rules that would afford you all some privacy?

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