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AIBU to feel fucking ANGRY at some of the parents at toddler group?

(69 Posts)
outtahell Thu 30-Apr-15 17:12:10

We (my partner and I) go to a toddler group with our 16 month old and 3 month old. The 16 month old loves it as he gets to push cars round a huge hall (obsessed with wheels, bless).

The problem is a lot of the bigger toddlers are very snatchy which is normal but some of the mums give zero fucks and one very snatchy boy's mother was in the side room for little babies so he wasn't even in her sight. I am waiting on counselling for anxiety/depression so I know some things are bigger deals to me than most right now but it's so horrible to see my son cry because he's had a toy taken off him YET AGAIN.

My partner and I have both started to say no and gently take the toy back and one time another mother (NOT the other toddler's mother) was incensed enough to take the toy off the other toddler and give it back to my boy.

I know some snatching is normal but the lack of supervision from some mums just fuck's me off. AIBU?

kinkyfuckery Thu 30-Apr-15 17:13:31

Have you tried actually saying something to the other parent(s)?

MarwoodsMate Thu 30-Apr-15 17:14:59

Yanbu to be annoyed at parents who give "zero fucks". I see it sometimes (not a lot) and it is terribly sad and annoying.

PastPerfect Thu 30-Apr-15 17:21:07

I'm going to say this gently because you're obviously not in a great place but I suspect YABU.

When your first born is 16mths even babies a few months older can seem big and tough and cruel but really they're just babies too - they have a lot of learning to do before they get to sharing and empathy and all the other things that make a well behaved child.

Most parents don't use toddler groups as a means of allowing their DCs to run riot but many use it as a way of having a small break from the incessantness of 1:1 parenting: some adult conversation, a cup of tea in relative peace.

Of course it's not nice to see your DS have toys snatched from him but it's a part of development and learning to interact with others - who don't necessarily put him first is an essential part of his development.

outtahell Thu 30-Apr-15 17:21:22

We haven't said anything yet kinky, purely because we've only gone a few times so far and it's always a slightly different crowd and it's hard to match parent to toddler until the end when they do the songs together. I'm not sure how to put it in a non offensive way to be honest I don't want to upset anyone.

DoJo Thu 30-Apr-15 17:40:46

I think waiting for another parent to intervene is probably going to frustrate you - I don't think many parents would have a problem with someone taking a snatched toy back from their child, and if they do then at least you get the chance to point out their child's behaviour to them.

waterrat Thu 30-Apr-15 17:42:25

seeing your kid upset is one of those things that's not nice but honestly you are really over reacting if it's actually upsetting you

I remember finding playgroups stressful for the same reason but later when my son was older I found them stressful because he was the bigger kid doing the snatching and I could never relax which was the while attempted point of going there

Playgroups are shit for the very reason that kids snatch - no fun for adults but it's normal and your son will survive

To be honest I stopped going yo playgroups because of all this pointless stress

CallMeNancy Thu 30-Apr-15 17:43:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DIYandEatCake Thu 30-Apr-15 17:46:38

You might find that in a few months your child could be the one doing the snatching - I'm sure you will watch him closer and step in, but you can't always hover right over them. I think you're doing the right thing - if you can intercept the snatch and just say 'x is playing with that, would you like it when he's finished?' If it's too late, try to find your ds another similar toy to play with, and comfort him. Like a previous poster said, the ones snatching are just babies too and havent learned how to restrain their impulses yet, try not to worry too much about it.

ImNameyChangey Thu 30-Apr-15 17:47:54

I agree with Past the children at the group can't be much older than 3 and while there is a big difference, they're still very young and whilst some this age are socially developed enough to know not to snatch, others just aren't.

The best thing you can do is distract your son if he gets something taken...whilst saying so the other child can hear "Please don't snatch...just ask nicely."

And then provide your son with something else. If the other child persists in taking his toys away, then you can be more direct...and nicely take it back whilst saying "X was playing with this...your turn next."

measles64 Thu 30-Apr-15 17:50:30

Be kind to yourself and know it is perfectly normal behaviour, learning to share comes later. I remember one Mum whose son would snatch, bite, and be a complete pain she had two close together like you. One day she broke down in tears so I sent her off for a walk with the baby, grabbed the little sod and kept him by my side saying no every thirty seconds until he got it. This nasty lady was not going to wear it. grin

Forward 14 years and he is a lovely teenager, giving and caring. smile

PeaceOfWildThings Thu 30-Apr-15 17:53:23

If they are in another room with babies, then they have no choice really but to be with their baby. They can't yell over to their older child or drip everything.

They have probably seen you deal with the situation sensibly before and trust you to continue to defend your child. It is much better done that way around that the older toddler being told off by their own parent and it becoming a battle of wills.

MarwoodsMate Thu 30-Apr-15 17:57:32

I agree that kids who are young enough to be at playgroup aren't developed enough to know not to snatch - it's expected to see toddlers behaving like this nobody expects parents to be forever hovering over their DCs. What is really difficult is when there are parents who truly don't seem to do anything to address the more disruptive / snatchy behaviour which goes beyond the usual stuff. It doesn't happen very often but I have encountered parents who completely ignore their DCs when out and about. It's really sad. As past says, some parents maybe use playgroup as the only bit of respite they have which is understandable, but tbh I don't think toddler group is somewhere you can just switch off as a parent.

Totality22 Thu 30-Apr-15 18:14:09

Based on my limited experience (DS is only 29 months), most parents are responsible, keep a semi close eye on their kids [age dependent as to how close an eye they keep] and generally intervene when they see their child being unfair.

I have seen the other extreme though when my DS was hit repeatedly with a stick by a little girl of a similar age. I rushed over to put a stop to it, expecting to see the mother come running to? Nope. Nobody came. A few minutes later same little girl has whacked another boy with the stick. The boys mum / childminder took the off of the girl and by this point I had meandered over apologised for not removing stick when she had hit my boy and again nobody came over to this young girl.

I have a 3 month old so I know what it is like to get distracted but fuck me, this kid was running wild and until the moment we left I still couldn't work out who she belonged to.

TwoOddSocks Thu 30-Apr-15 18:26:52

I think some people don't distinguish between normal and acceptable. It's normal for toddler's to snatch but it's still not acceptable behaviour. It needs to be gently corrected (e.g.insist on giving snatched toy back, suggest we play with X instead or ask the boy to give it to you when he's done etc.). If the parents are there I'd just intervene yourself as you have been.

popalot Thu 30-Apr-15 18:32:44

People seem to find these toddler groups very stressful. I've never been (lived abroad when had my first) and now I'm having another I'm thinking I'll avoid them like the plague. Sounds like a mini version of lots of parents hanging around a football game/ballet class and judging each other! Kids snatch. It's a learning curve for them. No need to get really angry. Just intervene and say your son had it first and that is that.

popalot Thu 30-Apr-15 18:33:52

And I find it really sad that anyone can call a 3 year old 'nasty'.

Yarp Thu 30-Apr-15 18:34:18

I agree about intervening yourself in a really gentle, smiley way.

Toddler groups are hell when you are feeling fragile

Yarp Thu 30-Apr-15 18:36:06

One of mine was a serial snatcher, the other was always a snatchee. Don't know which is worse

SaucyJack Thu 30-Apr-15 18:39:54

Seeing as you worded your OP towards the parent and not the child, then YANBU.

Put your coffee down, get up off of your fat Primarni bedecked arse and supervise your child.

Mrsfrumble Thu 30-Apr-15 18:41:22

Intervening is fine. Giving zero-fucks is wrong, but it is much harder to keep track of a toddler when you have a baby too and no partner there to help.

I did my best when I was in that situation, but there were occassions where DS (who was only just 2) escaped while I was feeding or changing newborn DD, and I would have been very grateful to anyone who corrected any snatchy or rough behaviour before I had the chance to find him again.

MuddlingMackem Thu 30-Apr-15 18:45:20

YANBU. And I say that as the mother of a former snatcher-toddler.

It was hard work during that stage, I had to watch him like a hawk, but I would take the items off him and return them to the child he'd taken them from. I think that you are not at all unreasonable to expect the mothers / fathers / carers of habitual snatchers to be paying more attention to their child's antics than would otherwise be necessary. It's not actually doing them a favour in their social development to let them get away with it after all.

If the carer of the snatcher doesn't act, unfortunately you'll have to continue doing it yourself, and if the carer doesn't like it well it's tough really. But you could be polite if they head your way and just say something like 'It's okay, I've already returned the toy'. Maybe they'll get the hint. smile

coolaschmoola Thu 30-Apr-15 18:45:27

If you were there without your partner as many women will be (partners very rare at the groups I went to) which of your children are you going to prioritise?

One mum, two children, two rooms. One child a toddler, walking, probably talking, in a safe environment and able to come to you. The other a baby, totally dependent, immobile, non verbal....

Which room would you be in?

Of course you could take the baby in the big room, but it's not ideal.

I'm gently suggesting yab a little unreasonable. Many women there will be alone with more than one child, it's far easier with 1:1 but not everyone has that option.

Personally I think the issue is having two rooms when many parents have children of different ages and can't split themselves in two.

coolaschmoola Thu 30-Apr-15 18:48:45

Fat primark bedecked arse?!

So lazy parenting is only done by fat people who shop at Primark??

What a bullshit and frankly cuntish stereotype Saucy.

biscuit

MuddlingMackem Thu 30-Apr-15 18:50:59

I went to one toddler group which had a separate baby room, which I used for my eldest, who was nearly three when DC2 was born. DC2 didn't get to go in the baby room at all as I needed to be in the main room to keep tabs on my eldest. Needs must, and you usually can't have it both ways.

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