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AIBU?

To ltb for lying

49 replies

thesilentwoods · 30/04/2015 01:46

To file for divorce from my husband of four years for lying?

To cut the long version short, he lies to me about loads of things. Big and small. He lies about finances and what he spends his money on (he refuses to have a joint account). He lies about what he is doing online - he spends all his time tapping away on his phone. A year ago, I caught him on a site leaving flirty comments on pictures of women and noticed he had joined 'Closed' groups on Facebook that were pretty questionable. I confronted him, and he was all apologies and 'agreed' with me that it was inappropriate to join these groups as a married man.

Tonight, though, Facebook flags up to me that he has joined one of these closed groups again. I went into the bedroom and asked him calmly if he remembered the agreement we had made about him not joining these groups. He said he did remember it. I then asked if he had joined any more groups. He said no, definitely not. So I told him I knew he was lying.

He then changed tactics and told me that it was OK to join that group because it was not a NEW group but one of the old ones that I 'knew about' (????) I said, no, it doesn't work like that, we made an agreement. Then he began talking about how he only made the agreement in the first place so I wouldn't mention it any more, but did not agree that he should stop joining these groups because he didn't 'plan to do anything'.

Am I unreasonable to think that, whether you 'agree' or not, if you make a promise, you should honour it? Not just lie and then do whatever the heck you want? It seems very petty on one hand but it is the implications. I have shut down emotionally. I can't believe he tried to justify himself by saying It was ok for him to do it because he didn't agree with me. To me, I can't trust a word he says.

We live in a rented house and I have nowhere to go and nobody to turn to. I have a small job but it only pays £600 a month. On one side, it would be the best thing to just shut up and stay married but how can this be a real relationship?

Sorry for rambling but I am very distressed and upset, shaking and feeling sick while I write this and hoping for some perspective and help.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 30/04/2015 01:53

You don't trust him. Because he is not trustworthy. It's no marriage so yes, LTB.

Can you get a better job, more hours, second job, stay with friends/family?

2Retts · 30/04/2015 02:05

It's not a real relationship when you distrust him to this extent; do you wish to be policing his behaviour for your 'deal breakers' for the next 5, 10, 20 years? How many chances are too many?

Are there any children thesilentwoods? I only ask as this may have implications about what you can and cannot afford should you proceed with divorce.

thesilentwoods · 30/04/2015 02:12

No, we were supposed to be trying for a baby. I feel so sad that I'm going to be alone in a tiny flat somewhere, I expect.

Am I actually overreacting about this? I can see other people finding it petty but someone calmly lying to your face again and again...it makes me feel sick and angry how little respect he has for me.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 30/04/2015 02:19

I don't think of it as lying. I think of it as denying you your right to decide things for yourself. He is treating you like you aren't allowed to make your own decisions, based on the facts. He gets to know everything and make his life accordingly. You aren't a child so why the hell does he think he gets to take away your self-determination?

thesilentwoods · 30/04/2015 02:28

It feels as if he sees me as an extension of himself, and that he thinks he has the final word on 'reality' iyswim?

As if I don't have the right to decide what I will and won't accept.

I am a very quiet person, not confrontational at all, but I do think people have the right to decide if they canor can't cope with or be happy with someone doing certain behaviours.

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sykadelic · 30/04/2015 02:33

I'd be pissed if my DH joined any "questionable" groups. Mainly because that's not the kind of person I think he is (or the one I thought I married) but also because it's hugely disrespectful to be so public about that sort of thing. In my mind it's like cheating honestly. You're devoting a lot of time and energy to lusting after other people.

Besides the FB, (and including it really) he has zero respect for you. He thinks very little of you and figures he can either manipulate you around to the way he thinks, or fool you into not even realising he is lying. It will only get worse. This is no relationship. LTB.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/04/2015 02:35

He's going to get a hell of a shock when you leave him then. A tiny flat is better than a bad marriage. Take it from one who knows. You could luck out and find a good bloke second marriage around.

thesilentwoods · 30/04/2015 02:41

I wonder if it is better? I do love him and will miss him. Though I can't honestly see how he can love me. He says he hid it from me 'because' he loves me. I asked him why that didn't stop him doing it in the first place but he didn't answer that question.

I wish I could sleep.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 30/04/2015 02:51

He says he hid it from me 'because' he loves me. Tell me you see that this is just pure bullshit.

He hid it because he cares more about facilitating his own wants than being honest. He hid it because he doesn't believe that you are worthy of honesty. He hid it because he didn't care enough or doesn't have enough morals not to. It's all very 'don't worry your pretty little head'. Which makes me very angry on your behalf.

Go to bed, read something light and drift off.

Morelikeguidelines · 30/04/2015 08:42

Ltb. Please don't have children with this man.

flora717 · 30/04/2015 09:44

He has no respect for your feelings and promises mean f-all to him. He's already not married imo.

TrollshaveLittleWillies · 30/04/2015 09:50

I think I would leave. It's not trivial at all. I would not accept it if my DH did something like that. It sounds so seedy. How old are you? (not that it makes a difference to my answer) It's very sad.

thesilentwoods · 30/04/2015 09:56

I'll be 40 soon. Extra depressing, really.

He's trying to behave as if nothing has happened, as always.

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BlinkAndMiss · 30/04/2015 10:11

I had a boyfriend like this once, it was all about 'him' and he wanted to have his cake and eat it. He used me for security, money and for the front of being a 'nice guy' in a mature relationship. Underneath he was a lying rat, he thrived on attention from other women and had to be the centre of drama and chaos which he ultimately blamed me for. He didn't seem to understand that he couldn't be in a relationship and carry on like a single person. It was as if it was the thrill of lying and hiding things were keeping him going and to have that thrill he needed me to stay being his girlfriend. Simply behaving like he was as a single person and being single was not for him.

I left him after 10 years, we weren't married but only because we were 'saving' for our wedding (I was, he was pilfering it as I later found out). Men with this mentality are no good, they will never be the husband you need them to be. I moved back in with parents, lost my job and was generally down and out for a long time. Then one day I realised that I had options, I got a new job and got myself back out there. I met my DH and he made me realise that men could be straight forward and honest, I've never been happier.

I missed my ex for a long time, he was funny and things were great most of the time. We had some amazing holidays and good times, our friends were all in the same circle and we were all close. It was when I realised what was going on in the background of all these experiences that made me question things. If he was lying and things were going on behind my back then what was the point? Everything seemed so fake. OP you deserve better and there is better out there. Please don't have a child with this man, things will get worse. Move out into a tiny flat and find some happiness, he cannot make you happy if he thinks you can be lied to - he's disrespectful and selfish.

WaddaLegend · 30/04/2015 10:45

Hi op, I am in a very similar relationship by the sounds of it. Not the facebook thing but the constant lying and being generally untrustworthy going out who knows where, just generally a big lying liar. Also having massive strops if I question him and twisting it round to me, calling me controlling, threatening to break up with me and then 5 minutes later acting as if nothing has happened. I have a baby with him though and I don't have the courage you seem to have. You deserve better and you have the strength to leave and make a better life for yourself. I love him so much though, even if it sounds as if I don't and I'd miss him so much he he broke up with me but I wish he loved me the way I love him...I'm not sure he ever will though and I'm not convinced he'd make much effort with our baby if we split either :( ...I adore my baby, he's the best thing that ever happened to me but I would say don't have a child with someone like this you need a partner who is supportive for you and your childs sake.

WaddaLegend · 30/04/2015 10:47

And I agree it feels like a fake relationship

thesilentwoods · 30/04/2015 22:00

Thanks to eveyone who replied. I have had a horrible day at work feeling physically sick and so sad. Came home to him cooking me dinner and still trying to act like it will all blow over. Part of me wishes it would just go away but I know it won't. I can't bring myself to talk to him, and haven't eaten the dinner, and so he got angry and stropped off.

I still don't know what to do. I don't want to leave but I can't see any other option that doesn't make me look and feel like a bloody fool.

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SorchaN · 30/04/2015 22:23

I couldn't possibly have a relationship with someone who lied to me and minimised my feelings - I would feel disrepected and unvalued. No amount of his cooking me dinner could make up for that.

Your partner won't change, so you have to decide whether you're willing to put up with this kind of behaviour for the next 10, 20, 30, 40 years... as your self esteem is gradually eroded.

Being alone in a small flat is less lonely than living in an unhappy marriage, IMO. I hope things work out for you.

MrsHathaway · 30/04/2015 22:30

You don't have to have a "good" reason to end a relationship: you only need to want to end it.

It sounds to me as though you only want to stay married in the abstract, not married to him, and who can blame you.

He didn't take it seriously. If he had been shocked and apologetic, and said "I didn't realise it was so important to you", then he might have been a good'un worth fighting for. But instead he was "trying to act like it will all blow over ... he got angry and stropped off". I agree with you and pps that he doesn't really see you as a person.

You might live for another fifty years. For the love of God, don't spend them with this man.

thesilentwoods · 30/04/2015 22:31

Seems he thinks he can just treat me as he likes and never take anything...anything, about me seriously. I looked and he is still a member of the Facebook groups...clearly thinks he can make me dinner and a cup of tea and he'll be able to manipulate me into swallowing another load of shit :(

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thesilentwoods · 30/04/2015 22:34

MrsHathaway he did know it was important, we made an explicit agreement about it. He knows exactly how I feel. He just thinks he can do what he wants and I will just shut up about it.

I will miss him. We have had good times. I wanted to have that baby. But I don't want to be abused and taken for a mug.

I cannot afford to move out now but hopefully I can get some money together later.

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SylvaniansAtEase · 30/04/2015 22:35

Get rid, get rid, get rid.

You are not overreacting.

He's not a keeper. It's as simple as that. You know it now.

You could spend reams of text deconstructing the whole thing, but there's no real need. He's just a nob. Don't spend your life with a lying, dishonest, twatty nob end.

There's no need to justify and discuss with him either, you know. Just 'I don't want this life, with you, like this. It's not working for me.' That's enough.

There are other ways to have a family. Not easy... but a damn sight easier than being stuck with an H or an Ex who is a complete and utter nob, as the dad.

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MrsHathaway · 30/04/2015 22:36

MrsHathaway he did know it was important, we made an explicit agreement about it. He knows exactly how I feel. He just thinks he can do what he wants and I will just shut up about it.

OK, he knows it is important to you, but that doesn't translate to being imnportant to him. That isn't how a marriage is meant to work.

I mean, DH talks shit sometimes, but if he'd talked to me very seriously about something that had nearly split us up before, I would not do it again, even if I thought he was overreacting, unless I actually wanted a divorce.

thesilentwoods · 30/04/2015 22:38

He says I am overreacting, Sylvanians. I have told one other person in real life, and this person does not think I am overreacting. I wish there was a way to solve this, as I will feel sad and crap being alone at 40, but if there is a way, I honestly can't see it.

Sorry for deconstructing. I am just shellshocked. And horrified.

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MrsHathaway · 30/04/2015 22:59

I am just shellshocked. And horrified.

Of course. You thought this was over and done with.

You don't have to do anything today, or tonight, or tomorrow. This can be the beginning of something if you want it to be, taking as long as it needs to.

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