...to ask for your funny in law stories to make me feel better?

(220 Posts)
Oobis Tue 28-Apr-15 11:38:12

Hi, I'm new to using this, so I apologise if this topic has been done to death! My FIL is a nightmare. There isn't space on here to go into detail, but I was hoping for some comical stories to make me feel better about my narcissistic, arrogant, misogynistic nitwit.

CatthiefKeith Tue 28-Apr-15 11:44:46

Mil turned up 59 hours into my labour with her hair freshly done, that morning, 'for the photos'.

Then, as I lay unconscious after the emergency c-section and my baby was whisked off to ICU she stopped the doctors by standing in front of them with her hand up so she could see dd before I did. And then she told me as soon as I came round. grin

She's batshit, but she doesn't mean to be. She actually means quite well most of the time but has no social skills, or tact, whatsoever.

Either that or she's very spiteful and I am extremely naive!grin

catgirl1976 Tue 28-Apr-15 11:45:57

Hmm.

MIL is Southern, and has barely left the SE (Tunbridge Wells).

I live in the North, though in a very naice place.

When I first met MIL she asked if my family ate large Yorkshire puddings because we couldn't afford meat. hmm

She also asked if my family walked around naked a lot, as Northerners do (we don't - it's fucking freezing - not sure where she got this from).

When she ventured North to visit us she was astounded that there were houses and trees and birds in the sky and not a Victorian Mill in sight. She also couldn't get over the fact that where I live is a million times nicer than TW. The downside of this is that she keeps threatening to move here. sad

hashbrownnofilter Tue 28-Apr-15 11:48:51

She is my ex now thank god but my old mil tried to have my dd christened behind our back, after we said no religion and then came home crying when they would not do it without us. Then went back home and told all her family what a bitch I was for not being more supportive through her difficult grieving time. Her loss being that she would not have dd in heaven with her. as if she was getting into any version I can laugh now as I am free!

hashbrownnofilter Tue 28-Apr-15 11:50:24

Catgirl.. surely yorkshire, as the nectar of the gods, is preferable to meat?!

RoboticSealpup Tue 28-Apr-15 11:50:45

If my MIL hears me get up and go to the toilet at night she will bring it up the next day at the breakfast table and ask what I was doing. In fact, the rest of DH's aunties and uncles do this too. They're Greek.

It's pretty damn weird.

CatthiefKeith Tue 28-Apr-15 11:51:04

Hash brown, my mil was also obsessed with christening dd. In fact when she was just a few days old mil said 'you really should have her christened, otherwise if she dies she won't get into heaven'. Ffs who says that to a new mother?

CatthiefKeith Tue 28-Apr-15 11:54:34

Mil also makes thinly veiled jokes about towie, and orange tans because I am from Essex.

Fortunately since her name is Pat I declined her request for dd to call her Grandma, and taught her to say 'Nanny Pat' instead grin

catgirl1976 Tue 28-Apr-15 11:56:29

grin Hashbrown - I do indeed agree YPs are the nectar of the gods and eat them whenever I can and prefer them to meat. But I could stretch to a chicken if needs be. smile

hashbrownnofilter Tue 28-Apr-15 11:56:37

Oh yeah cathief I had it all! How could I live with the guilt, how could I condemn an innocent, bibles left round the house, phone calls about what her local priest had said all focused on dd dying. She was batshit crazy my whole time knowing her but she outdid herself on that one!

ollieplimsoles Tue 28-Apr-15 12:03:04

Ho ho ho,

I could fill a thread with the antics of my DMIL.. like CatthiefKeith my MIL is mostly ok but has NO tact whatsoever and can be very spiteful and manipulative at times..

At the risk of outing myself IRL I will just give you some of the best ones:

Crying when my DH moved out and sending him 3/4 page long text messages nightly about how he had 'let them down by leaving' (he was living in a student house)

Crying when me and DH moved out together and sending messages and emails trying to get him to come back and asking if he 'made the right decision' (we had been together 6 years and were engaged).

Crying when we announced we had booked our wedding and it was going to be a small intimate affair. She wanted a big wedding so she could invite all her friends...can you see a theme here?

Crying because I wouldnt 'let' her hold flowers at the wedding like the bridesmaids..

Crying when we told her we don't want to put a 'proper' nursery together with baby furniture for our first DC. and guilting me that our 'poor little baby wont have a proper place to sleep' (DC sleeping next to our bed in co sleeper cot..)

Those are some of the 'big decision breakdowns' she has had but I have loads more little things she has done...

tomatodizzymum Tue 28-Apr-15 12:03:07

My MIL is 63 and recently had breast implants. I got forced to see before and after. Apparently they are like a 16 year olds, I tried not to look. She's a nightmare, worse than that she's also a very highly paid professional and my boss. A completely different person at work and one that I have to pretend is normal hmm.

SnotQueen Tue 28-Apr-15 12:03:37

catgirl your MIL sounds like mine.
Me and my family are originally from the same city as MIL. We moved to another, more northern city when I was a teenager.

Whenever she goes north of her city, even by ten, twenty miles, she makes a huge point of checking her phone reception and looking pointedly at me if she has none. Apparently because I'm used to it. I have only ever lived in cities. I'm very confused.

She also came to visit my family with her 2 winter coats in summer and made astounded noises at there not being snow and in fact the weather being lovely.

She was also amazed that a northern city had fish and chips confused

Idontseeanydragons Tue 28-Apr-15 12:18:13

I've had some fun times with my MIL over the years grin
Basically she is the Matriarch of a very traditional working class farming family (think Emmerdale years ago when it was Emmerdale Farm) and was mildly horrified when her Son brought home the hippy daughter of hippy parents who worked in a profession she highly disapproved of (Nursery Nurse).
I was also an outsider as my parents moved here from a different country (Wales!) before I was born and just to cap off the sin we had our eldest child before we married... shock
Past exploits have included assuming I can't cook and buying me the 'how to boil an egg' type cookbooks, I can't change a nappy properly (hello? Nursery nurse FFS!) and telling everyone who listens that she was still waiting for us to get married so she could have a legitimate Grandson. The last one got her told straight btw, there was no way DP was letting her get away with that one.
We get on wonderfully now though, a mixture of recent illness and plenty of time to sit and chat bitch plus the fact that she adores all of our children equally has softened us both smile

Oobis Tue 28-Apr-15 12:36:58

Thanks, there's some gems there and I have managed a smile after an awful start to the day.

I can confirm that my FIL no longer asks if he can stroke my wet pussy if my cat comes in from the rain whilst he's there - a former favourite.

I can't think of any other funny examples sadly. Just thoroughly unpleasant ones revealing deep seated insecurity and controlling tendencies.

FernGullysWoollyPully Tue 28-Apr-15 12:39:17

I love my mil, we get on better now than we used to.

She's great at being completely aghast if I tell her that I didn't hoover today before she came round. She moves things too, "I think this vase would look better here Fern, don't you?"

She likes to make a big joke out of the fact that I don't cook a Sunday roast every flipping Sunday. Her cooking is atrocious. My DH was raised on freezer food. If we go to theirs for a meal, she always asks me to check the meat is cooked.

She argues with me that fridged or frozen leftovers shouldn't be reheated and will definitely poison us. She criticises me for giving the dc cold cooked meat like Ham or beef because it will give them worms hmm She thinks that medium/strong cheese is too much for their delicate systems and they're not allowed to eat it if she does a buffet. It's "grown up" cheese!

She called me a gold digger before meeting me for the first time because I already had dc when I met dh, he didn't have a penny to his name, I was debt free and own my own home! And she cried and stamped her feet like a child when dh told her we were expecting our dd.

She wore black to our wedding.

I take it all in good humour.

ollieplimsoles Tue 28-Apr-15 12:40:50

Oh my god Oobis thats not a funny example! He sounds absolutely disgusting! what does your Dh think of it?

I would be considering going no contact to be honest if I were you!

ollieplimsoles Tue 28-Apr-15 12:42:55

Fern your MIL sounds even worse than mine! although mine did also cry and stamp her foot over the wedding, and she wore black! :D

pictish Tue 28-Apr-15 12:45:12

Oh Oobis that's awful! How do you react. A cold hard stare I hope.

FernGullysWoollyPully Tue 28-Apr-15 12:48:57

She's had her moments Ollie but I just try to laugh it off. She's pissed because (even though we've been together 4 years) I stole her wee boy!!

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Tue 28-Apr-15 12:56:38

I have many many MIL stories.

among others:

When I was pregnant she waged a (long) campaign to relocate our cat to her house.

She thought DD should have a double-barrelled surname, except it was MILs maiden name/DH's surname.

She took to phoning us throughout the night when DD was a newborn as 'you'll be up anyway'.

She wrote to my dad and said 'Dear RaptorDad, you're a wanker'

During a period of no contact (one too many phone calls) she travelled to our town, stayed in a B&B for the weekend, never contacted us once and when she left, phoned a work colleague of DH's to tell them how disgusting it was that I'd left the washing on the line overnight.

feezap Tue 28-Apr-15 13:02:16

oh Oobis, your FIL sounds very much like my Uncle.

We have had some cracking 'compliments' from him including 'you look so good you should be abused' on my wedding day! Thankfully its not meant to upset and he is lovely in every other way but I know my cousins just despair of him, especially when they bring girlfriends home!

This has equipped me with a thick skin and any inappropriate comments from any were are like water off a ducks back. My BIL got terribly cross at an elderly drunk uncle being a little inappropriate with my SIL but I didn't even notice, neither did my DH, but he's just too laid back!

I hope you can laugh at your FIL at least sometimes grin

Summerisle1 Tue 28-Apr-15 13:02:42

DH's mother was lovely. Just lovely. So she remains sadly missed.

My former MIL was a quite different story! She couldn't believe that her input wasn't required in every area of our lives and could get quite remarkably stroppy if you failed to follow her advice on the most trivial stuff. It was over 30 years ago but I still remember the fuss when I refused to put "a nice Anaglypta" wallpaper in the sitting room and then paint it magnolia.

I still have the most wonderful passive aggressive letter that she fired off when ex-h and I were about to get married. Neither of us wanted a gift list but MIL insisted. So we bunged a few harmless items on it. She then wrote back saying that "Since you seem determined to remain in rented property we can see no reason why you'll ever get a king-size bed and won't need the king size duvet you've asked for so I've helped you by taking it off the list. "

CatSwag Tue 28-Apr-15 13:02:52

how/why do these inlaws become so mental?

GiddyOnZackHunt Tue 28-Apr-15 13:08:38

FIL bought me cookbooks (complete Annabel Karmel set) which he obviously meant as a criticism I realised later. And rang me up to call me a 'kept woman' when I'd just been made redundant.

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