Background:
I've name changed but I'm a regular (pan pipe elf, sad weebl pillowcase, lemon drizzle cake).
We're both 32. We've been together for six years, married for three. We have a lovely one year old baby, he works in the city and I did but am now a SAHM. He is kind, sweet, my best friend and perfect for me in every way but one: we never have sex. I want to, he doesn't. God, even writing that makes my tummy churn.
To be honest our sex life has always been lacking. Even when we first met, I knew I wanted to marry him but I always wrote off the fact that he was never interested in sex as being down to us being too busy / stressed etc. We had sex on average every two to three weeks for the first year or so and it rapidly dwindled to once a month and then once every couple of months.
At the time of writing, we've had full sex twice in the last twelve months. Both times I initiated it. Before we got married we did discuss it once or twice. He always assured me that he found me attractive but said that he just had a low sex drive overall. The day (about a year in) that I accidentally found a porn image of two naked women on his phone I nearly ended the relationship. Not because I'm anti-porn but because I was crushed that he was obviously masturbating whilst I lay rejected and lonely in the bed we shared. He maintained that he had no idea how it had gotten onto his phone and I felt utterly devastated that this man that I loved and desired was lying to me. He obviously had an interest in sex, just not in sex with me.
I do believe he loves me, we have so much fun together, we have a great family life (he's a marvellous father and romantic, generous and attentive husband) but the complete absence of sex is beginning to take over. We discussed it before our wedding. I was very candid about not wanting a sexless marriage and said we should wait until it was resolved. He told me it was down to stress and it got better for a short while but then reverted to type. I don't even remember having sex more than once on our honeymoon! We discussed it again a few months ago and he said he'd see a doctor to see if it was anything physical (which I doubt as he still masturbates). But he hasn't done anything about it at all. Last night we were watching a show where a happily married couple were flirting (which led to sex) and I suddenly couldn't bear it.
Discussing it is humiliating because it basically feels like I'm begging him to want to touch me. He says he isn't having an affair / addicted to porn / seeing hookers / gay and I want to believe him but can't. That is, I do believe he isn't cheating on me but I'm assuming it's probably porn. And then he looks at me with sad eyes and says how much he hates to make me miserable. I know it upsets him that I'm unhappy. But I feel like he's apologising for not wanting sex with me which loops us back to humiliation. Somehow the fact that he insists he fancies me and that it's all circumstantial makes it all worse. Surely there must be something wrong, and I'm assuming that something is me? Why won't he talk about it? I've told him that it makes it worse for him to pretend it's not caused by anything but he insists nothing is wrong. Or am I totally wrong, is it possible that he genuinely isn't bothered about sex. He says he masturbates in the shower, not to porn, about once every six weeks.
The humiliation of being repeatedly rejected by a man I adore, for years on end, is something I've stifled for a long time. The fact that we're more like housemates than a married couple breaks my heart. I miss the intimacy that I know can come from a healthy and happy sex life and the thrill of being naughty with someone I love. It's starting to be awkward when we see people on TV having sex. And I miss being desired. When we got together, I was told I was "girl next door" pretty, I was slim and fit and took a great deal of pride in my appearance and men used to flirt with me all the time. But over the last two years I've put weight on which has made me even more depressed. He is sad to be making me unhappy but he is happy with the amount of sex we have.
The weirdest thing is that if it was medical (if for example, chemo made him impotent), it wouldn't matter in the least. It's the fact that he masturbates rather than having sex with me that breaks my heart.
So judge me. Everything else is perfect: I cannot contemplate ever being happy without him in my life because he is my heart and my best friend, I love him more than anything and we have what appears to be a charmed life so I suspect I'll be flamed for making a fuss about this. AIBU to be increasingly unhappy with this sexless situation? What do I do?
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AIBU?
To be sad and angry about being in a sexless (but otherwise happy) marriage?
126 replies
UtterlyCrushed · 22/04/2015 13:50
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