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AIBU?

...to want a daughter

170 replies

Failedspinster · 27/02/2015 21:17

I know aIBU but need help/advice. DP and I have three boys - our own two who are almost 3 and less than one, and DSS who is 10. All the boys are lovely and very much loved. I would never wish any of them to be different in any respect to how they are.

I just wish I had a daughter as well. During both my pregnancies I hoped to hear that the baby was a girl. I look at other people's daughters (not just babies) and feel desperately sad that I'll never have one. When my friends announce that they're expecting girls I often end up having a little cry to myself. I struggle very much with this, because of my own feelings and because I feel disloyal to my sons, whom I love so much. This feeling of disloyalty is so strong that I feel I can't talk to anyone about this IRL. I can't bear the thought that they might think I don't love my sons. I was hoping it would go away, but it wouldn't.

I don't even know why I want a daughter so much. I'm not a girly girl and I wouldn't particularly want a girly girl. My sons are all daddy's boys and I often feel a bit left out; I'm also anxious that as they grow older, they might not be close to me. I'm close to my mum and part of a large, female-oriented extended family. I guess a daughter would fit into that perhaps better than my sons might :(

The obvious answer is to have a third child, but for various reasons this could be problematic. We have little space in our house and no prospect of moving soon; financially it would be a big stretch; we have little help nearby and have found it hard to manage two small children let alone adding a third to the mix; we are in our thirties and don't want to be having babies forever. And of course, I might have another boy.

Please talk to me about this and help me understand how I can get over it. I can't be the only one who's going through this, surely?

Also - wimpishly - please don't be too hard on me. You can't possibly be as hard on me as I am on myself about this.

OP posts:

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ssd · 27/02/2015 21:21

I hear you.

I lost my mum and have no relationship with my sister and I have no other family

I just hear you.

GokTwo · 27/02/2015 21:24

Yanbu. Obviously it's lovely that you have your boys and you clearly adore them but I can understand your feelings. I very much wanted a daughter. I never told anyone else when I was pregnant and in fact convinced myself I was having a boy to get myself used to the idea but when I knew I was having a girl I was over the moon.

expatinscotland · 27/02/2015 21:26

YANBU

GokTwo · 27/02/2015 21:26

That's not meant to make you feel worse op, I can just relate to your strong feelings.

MavisG · 27/02/2015 21:28

Me too

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 27/02/2015 21:28

I feel for you OP, I have two boys and am now in my 40s and I really feel sad that I don't have a daughter. People will be along to tell you how unreasonable you are, but you're not.

Goneintohibernation · 27/02/2015 21:29

I think wanting what you don't have is quite natural and normal. The thing is to try and appreciate what you do have. I would have loved a second child, of either gender, but for me it wasn't to be. I have made a conscious choice to make the best of what I have, and it mostly works. You are really lucky to have two healthy boys. I would try really hard to focus on how lucky you are, and not on what you are missing.

Casmama · 27/02/2015 21:31

I am delighted to have two boys but I do get pangs when I see some little girl outfits. I am saddened that I won't have the relationship I have with my mum - will just need to be a good MIL and hope for nice DILs.

YANBU

ahbollocks · 27/02/2015 21:34

I wanted a boy initially :) I still have a sneaky look at boys clothes and I had happy imaginings about watching him at rugby matches and getting lovely grown up son hugs from my strapping boy. Sounds absolutely mad!
I had gorgeous dd and I honestly wouldn't change her at all in her glittery princessy ways. She's amazing. you are entitled to your feelings but I would work on accepting your situation if I were you.
In my experience boys are closer to their mums as they get older

fizzycolagurlie · 27/02/2015 21:36

YANBU

ssd · 27/02/2015 21:37

although, thanks to this thread I have thought about this further and I know if I had 2 girls I would crave a boy

hadn't actually thought of that before!

Joyfulldeathsquad · 27/02/2015 21:38

YANBU

My grandmother had three boys and was desperate for a girl but sadly it never happened. What she did though was to build very important strong relationships with their wives. This enabled her to stay deep in the fold of their lives.

I don't have any relationship with my mother. Been NC for 15 years but my gran was amazing and was really there for me. She was more of a mother than my own mum. You will always have a role in their life and their children's.

GokTwo · 27/02/2015 21:38

Goneinto, that is basically the only way I think Op. I couldn't have any other children either. It was really difficult for several years and sometimes I thought I wouldn't get over it but, in time I did and now I am very happy with my one Dd. It's hard though.

Purplepoodle · 27/02/2015 21:39

I would feel like this if it wasn't for absolutely toxic relationship between my mil and sil (I'm an only child with ds's). Made me realise you can have a daughter but no guarantee that u will be close or that a daughter will want to spend time with you. Dh is much closer to his mum than his sister

NotSayingImBatman · 27/02/2015 21:39

I know how you feel. I have two gorgeous DSs but, sadly, due to crippling PND I won't be having any more so I'll never have a girl.

I feel like I'm going to feel it more acutely in the future as I have no sisters either, three brothers, and it makes me sad thatI'll lose that female relationship when I lose my mum.

PacificDogwood · 27/02/2015 21:41

YANBU.

You feel how you feel, and that's how it is.
Don't beat yourself up.

AnyFucker · 27/02/2015 21:42

One day you are going to have some fabulous daughters in law.

I have a better relationship with my MIL than I do my own mother.

Take heart

Purplepoodle · 27/02/2015 21:43

Should add that I grew up close with my mum but left for uni at 18 married after and moved to another country. I'm lucky to see her twice a year and find it hard to talk on the phone.

CynthiaDelgado · 27/02/2015 21:45

Yanbu

I understand. I often wonder if I'd feel the same way about having a boy if I had daughters. I guess I will never know. But you know everyone's missing out on something. Whether it's having lots of children or a mixed gender family or raising same sex siblings or experiencing the closeness of an only bond.

LoveVintage · 27/02/2015 21:46

I have two fabulous teenage boys whom I adore.

I have two sisters and am very close to them and to my mum. I have always enjoyed doing things like shopping trips, garden centres etc with my mum. It does make me a bit sad to think I won't have that with my boys. But conversely I love having just boys, so it isn't really logical.

Doilooklikeatourist · 27/02/2015 21:47

I know exactly how you feel
My 2 sisters each had 2 boys
I had a boy
I wanted a girl first time round but was sure it was a boy ( they wouldn't tell you from the scan in those days )
I really really wanted a girl next time
I had a daughter , and I truly am lucky .
I would have been disappointed understatement to have had a 2nd boy
So ,YANBU , but what do you do ?

rubyshoes3 · 27/02/2015 21:48

I know how you feel also. I have got 3 boys. I love my boys so much and would not change them for anything, but sometimes when I see my sister and niece together I feel like I want a girl also. It was quite bad first but now I know it is not going to happen as I get really bad PND that I can't but myself or my family threw that.
I love my boys but I do think it is normal to want what you don't have.

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ssd · 27/02/2015 21:49

from this thread I have realised I'd have been truly gutted to never have a son

(sorry if this upsets anyone)

Loopyaboutmy2boys · 27/02/2015 21:52

Yanbu. I have two boys, that I love with every ounce of my heart, but I really really want our next to be a girl. But having had 3 mc's I don't know if it will ever happen :(

applecatchers36 · 27/02/2015 21:53

YANBU you fee what you feel

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