To tell OHs parents not to contact us until they sort their attitudes out?(52 Posts)
A bit of background.
OHs parents (mum in particular) have never been the most reasonable of people. We've had various clashes - The first being because we didn't inform them of my pregnancy the minute i took a test (It was suspected ectopic and ive had a ruptured ectopic, i just wanted to deal with it privately if it were ectopic again).
They excluded my daughter last christmas (Not OHs) and didnt even write her name on a card because they were angry with me for informing them that my son had measles and my OH should avoid pregnant SIL just to be safe (I know she worries). (They accused me of lying?). The exclusion was deliberate - they had included her every christmas before this.
OHs grandad died last year. And since then i have noticed a rapid decline in his mood etc - He had become snappy, wouldn't leave the house, everything was a chore - even just taking the rubbish out. Eventually i got to go him to the doctors because i couldnt do anymore than i already was for him and it wasn't helping and he has been prescribed anti depressants. Its helped immensely. He has even been the one to suggest outings 'just for a walk out' which is something he hasn't done since the day his grandad died.
His parents are being totally horrible about it. They skype us. Firstly since OHs grandad died, his mother uses inheritence as a threat, saying she doesn't think OH deserves it, he is useless and will just waste it (We have plans to save half and use the other half for business). I've checked anyway, she doesn't have the right to do this and we'd win if it came to court.
Secondly, They constantly go on at us about 'we must ask for help with money if we need it'. The first time we asked for any significant help they went absolutely mental and didnt speak to us for two weeks because they were ashamed and disgusted. So we wont be asking again. (Then rang and said if we needed any more help we must say they dont mind? Err clearly you do!)
Thirdly, since OH told them about the depression , his mother reacted like he had just admitted to being a crack addict. She keeps pestering him asking why hes depressed. 'you dont just get depressed'. 'And how long are you going to be taking those for' 'youll end up hooked on them for life' etc etc. She's told him he needs to sort himself out and get off his backside and get a new job (His current one is zero hour contract) and tells him it must be his own fault he hasn't had any work for the last week, he must have upset someone or done something 'like usual' (?). She implies he is lazy (If the works there he works upto 50 hours a week?) and goes on as though he spends his days drinking and god knows what.
When he mentioned another place taking on they insisted he should go into their building and ask for a job - my step brother works there, they have a number for applications. But i'm lying about that apparently, its just lip service.
Sorry for the long post. But i'm getting sick of it. The last few times hes spoken to them its set his mood right back. You can visibly see it in his face. He ends up in tears. I have enough without them causing this - im not well myself and am on medication for OCD and severe anxiety. Ive had two friends kill themselves due to depression. I dont want a third loved one six feet under because they cant hold their venomous little tongues.
Next time they start I'm considering just cutting in and telling them to go away and call us when they can have a nice discussion without berating OH and making him miserable.
OH wont do it. But i can't sit by and watch them do this any more.
If i am being unreasonable, What would you do instead?
Oh dear, I do feel for you.
However, if OH won't do it the there is bugger all you can do really. You can go NC with them yourself of course - I would, they sound vile. I would also keep my children well away from them.
If OH wants to keep offering himself up for abuse then I guess he will. There are some pretty good books that get recommended on here This one in particular, Toxic parents might help him see the light?
Secretly un plug the phone and have a little peace and quiet, they sound like they are so horrible to your OH.
The whole money thing makes me feel uncomfortable and I would really like to hear his parents' side of things.
Does your husband work? If not how long has he been out of work?
Your comments about the inheritance made me feel really uncomfortable.
I dont have much contact with them as it is - I do minimal when it comes to them and thats only to make OH happy.
They aren't like this to his brother - They have massive double standards. For example over me not telling them about my pregnancy straight away. They didn't react like that to his brother and wife keeping any of theirs a secret because she had a miscarriage with her first pregnancy.
So they're obviously not offended, they're just picking on him for some reason. There have been similar instances where there are massive double standards like that.
The way they go on you would honestly think OH was a younger version of Frank Gallagher from shameless, and although he did get called frank when he was younger and had long hair (!) by his friends, he is not! He is hard working (The job he works is god awful but he does it week in week out), he is kind, supportive and a good Dad.
Crimson - I'm not sure what makes you uncomfortable? Yes OH works. He has worked since he left school bar one period after he got made redundant (During which he did odd jobs until a permanent job came up and i worked nights in clubs and with photographers on classes).
Regarding inheritence its quite simple. His grandad left us a share of his estate once everything is sold.
His mother keeps threatening to keep this from him because she thinks he will waste it.
I have no idea where she gets this from - OH is quite responsible with money. He doesn't make impulsive purchases and never has. Any big purchase he researches for months on end (For example, it took him 2 years to decide on a new PC when our old one was on its last legs) and a year to decide on a graphics card when he had some money saved specifically for one because he wont settle on something until he is sure it is what he wants and the best for the money.
I guess what I am saying and not doing it very well is that the one thing that stood out from your post is the financial aspect of the relationship.
Clearly his parents don't trust him with money. Is there history there?
They don't sound particularly understanding or caring but I wonder if he has given them cause for concern in the past.
Is he bad with money?
Sorry if I am reading something into your post which isn't there.
Sounds such a horrible situation but what does your OH want? I think you could distance yourself from them and try and keep your DD away from them (what a spiteful thing to do with the card) but OH will have to make his own mind up. The thing about the inheritance is disgusting, they have no right to try and withhold money that your partner's granddad had left to him.
They don't seem like people you can even begin to reason with so I wouldn't bother asking them to sort their attitude out. What you can do is go no contact for yourself. Leave your DH to decide how he wants to deal with them. They've taken it out on your Dd so going no contact with them is even more so of a reason. Wrt the money, can your DH not get it himself? Why are they holding control over it. Just because they are your oh parents you don't have to feel obligated to keep trying to win them over. They sound very toxic.
Not while i've known him.
When we moved they leapt to the conclusion that we'd been evicted for some strange reason too.
He admits that when he left school to about 21 he would happily piss his wages up the wall once he'd paid board and for his internet and mobile phone. But isn't that what most teenagers with no responsibilities do? His brother was the same.
While i've been with him (5 years) he's never wasted money. Really, he doesn't even buy himself clothes because he worries he wont actually like it when he gets home. I have to go out and just brign clothes back and tell him to wear them! He's walked around in trainers with holes in because he couldn't make a decision - I had to go and buy some last week and hope to god they fit.
LadyLuck - Theyre executors. The house (Which forms the bulk of the estate) is for sale.
I've come to the conclusion that his mum is either bluffing, or (more likely) she genuinely thinks she has the right to dictate when how and if beneficiaries receive whats been left to them.
Do you know what though even if your OP could be considered reckless with money it has FA to do with his parents. His granddad left him that money and it's not for them to decide whether he gets it. I think the only scenario where this could be justifiable is if OH was an addict and he was going to harm himself with the money otherwise they should butt out.
I think there must be a financial aspect causing the tension.
If they thought you had been evicted fits with a deeper financial mistrust. I suspect something may have happened that you don't know about otherwise they just sound plain bonkers.
I'm inclined to give people the benefit of the doubt but I can see why you want to keep your distance.
ILP - Oh i know that. I think she is also unaware that for a small fee wills once granted probate are public information.
I know exactly what the will says and the only 'extra' legal powers she has apply to beneficiaries under 21.
The only legitimate way she can do anything is if she thought it wasn't sensible to sell the house - Which would be spiting his brother too then. ITs for sale anyway so obviously she isn't doing that.
Crimson - The eviction assumption was just mental. She kept banging on about it and on about it and when i eventually said 'if we'd been evicted how would we have gotten a reference for the next house?' she tried to make out like she had been joking all along.
I honestly would not give them more time and energy. When they sell the house, you don't need to worry because she is bound legally to provide your oh with his share. From now until then expect her to exert control which is useless, but you know that already. Just go no contact.
And crimson - Even without the money threats, It's still bonkers. Reread my post and skip the inheritence bit if you like.
Flipping out because i didn't inform them of my pregnancy as soon as i took a test.
Telling us to ask for help and then refusing to speak to us when we do.
Accusing OH and me of lying over how to apply for a job and having a family member work there. (I've certainly never lied to them)
These things also seem to coincide with ruining/making things worse for me - My step mums sister (I was friendly with her) died unexpectedly the day they were last making threats and belittling us.
Yesterday was my birthday.
If i behaved like this on significant days of theres no one would ever hear the end of it.
You know what I'd do? Keep em sweet until the inheritance comes through and then tell them to get to fuck. NOT because the money is the point but because it will really piss them off all the more!! They have a seriously deleterious effect on your poor dh and this coupled with the horrid double standards they employ with regard to his other siblings surely means that going NC would mean a better quality of life for you all?!
YANBU they sound like dicks.
But aside from telling them to shove it next time they interfere there's not much you can do, they're his parents, he needs to be the one to distance himself.
Penny - Yes, it was in 2012. There were a number of outbreaks. close to a hundred in my area i think (Would have to look up to stats again though).
I even sent her pictures and she didnt believe it! DS was a month shy of having the MMR.
As an executor she has no right to deny anybody their inheritance. I would get a solicitor lined up just in case.
They are horrid and I am afraid your OH sounds as though he has been bullied for part of his life with them hence the difficulty making decisions etc.
Support him and yourself and ignore the others. Good luck.
Weekend - Thats what my own mum thinks we should do.
Thing is, they don't know this, but i've been through this sort of crap myself with my own grandmother. She was a vicious nasty cow to my parents (particularly my mum).
I was 12 years old when i decided, of my own free will (My parents never said a word against her they left us to make up our own minds), that i didn't want anything to do with someone who could be so horrible for no reason.
And now she's sat alone wondering why none of us will visit her - I'm not visiting someone who pulls me to bits every time she speaks to me (That woman could make a saint swear, even my DDs paternal grandad wanted to ring her once and he is the calmest man ive ever met).
I can see the same sort of thing happening with them and my boys tbh.
I feel for you. They sound utterly exhausting and it must be enormously frustrating for you to have them anywhere near your lives.
However, the chances of them having an epiphany moment and realising how ridiculous they are is slim to none. It sounds like they enable each other, and if your already-black sheep DP is the only one who calls them on their behaviour or stands up to them, it will just reinforce their belief that he can do nothing right.
A really sad situation for you all, but please keep your DC away from such odd people
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