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AIBU?

To petition for divorce on the grounds of adultery even if I've not caught him with his cock inside anyone?

54 replies

TheCharmersWife · 16/02/2015 13:12

Forgive the vile subject header-
It's the only way I could think of to get advice quickly

DH- the archetypal charmer- everybody loves him. says all the right things, cannot do enough for little old ladies, friends and family, high achiever at work.

I've found him out again- sexting with another random- AGAIN. Mocking and making fun of me. Them both joking I am the frigid, spent nothing wife devoid of everything he needs.

My heart is broken.

It will never mend.

He says it's because I said I'd try to fix our intimacy issues and I never did and he was tired of it always being him.

I have no family around. I have no support.

I am a mess.

I snatched his phone off him last night when I knew something was wrong- I wouldn't give it back, he told me not to talk to him like he was a child, he told me he was sick of me telling him what to do- he wrestled the floor off me yesterday and in the process I have a black eye and a bruised shoulder.

How did I end up like this? I gave up everything for my family.

OP posts:

Report

Andrewofgg · 16/02/2015 13:14

Adultery be damned. Black eye and bruised shoulder = unreasonable behaviour. and good luck.

Wotsitsareafterme · 16/02/2015 13:14

Can't read and run. Please call womens aid or the police. You need to leave x

TheCharmersWife · 16/02/2015 13:15

He didn't hit me- he wanted his phone back and we struggled.

he is devastated, when he saw my face.

OP posts:

Meloria · 16/02/2015 13:16

That's not legally adultery. However it's definitely behaviour such that it's intolerable to live with so you are more than justified in petitioning based on behaviour.

stitch10yearson · 16/02/2015 13:16

I think that adultery doesn't have to be so explicit as to actually involve PIV sex. The texts you found, if you have got screenshots, should be enough. If not, the DV is enough. It might be easier to prove unreasonable behaviour.

Datahub · 16/02/2015 13:17

afaik (and its not much) do unreasonable behaviour

go and see a solicitor asap

petalsandstars · 16/02/2015 13:17

Call the police

magoria · 16/02/2015 13:19

If he denies the adultery it sets you back in the divorce process.

Go for unreasonable behaviour and get it moving.

Meloria · 16/02/2015 13:21

Get some proper advice from a solicitor. Adultery needs to be admitted or in rare occasions proved by written evidence produced by the adulterer confirming extra marital sex with someone of the opposite sex. Behaviour doesn't have to be proved at all or necessarily be unreasonable.

Most solicitors will give you a free half hour to talk you through your options.

Andrewofgg · 16/02/2015 13:22

You might get a bruised shoulder accidentally, but not a black eye. Police at once (before it fades) and solicitor sharpish. You need out - even if he has never put his dick where it should not be. Please, before it gets even worse.

PtolemysNeedle · 16/02/2015 13:24

If you started the physical stuff by snatching his phone from him and then not giving it back when asked, I don't think you can blame him for the fact that you ended up with bruises.

Go and see a solicitor if you want a divorce, they will give you the best advice about grounds to use.

Fatstacks · 16/02/2015 13:24

Call the police, even if it's just for clarification.

If I wrestled my DP enough to give him a black eye then I would be packing my own bags.

He wrestled you over his phone because he didn't like being caught.

Don't mistake it as your fault, wrestling is just as bad as knocking you out to get his phone.

Fuck that.

TheCharmersWife · 16/02/2015 13:25

Im going to show him this thread. He's done the sexting before and I have forgiven him. It's been countless times.

He is trying to justify his behaviour because I never changed. He is sorry and repentant for two weeks then things go back to before.

OP posts:

Fatstacks · 16/02/2015 13:26

Ptolomy you just shouldn't hurt your partner, wrestling something from them isn't a reason to give bruises.

It just isn't.

magoria · 16/02/2015 13:28

What do you hope to gain from showing him this thread?

He has done this at least twice now, maybe more that you don't know about.

You think the opinion of a bunch of strangers he is never going to meet will make him realise he is a wanker when his wife heartbroken twice and looking for divorce doesn't?

VanitasVanitatum · 16/02/2015 13:28

I wouldn't waste time showing him the thread. He has shown you what he thinks of you, unequivocally.

Start divorce proceedings, you have plenty to say with regard to unreasonable behaviour.

Let's see how his OW likes him when he's got kids every other weekend and his disposable income all going on maintenance payments. What a dick.

Fatstacks · 16/02/2015 13:30

Sorry Thecharmers showing him the thread will not stop him sexting or cheating.

More eloquent people will be along soon but for now....

He is blaming you, he hurt you, he cheated.

He got caught doing something that is unacceptable to you and then when you forgave him he did it again, but blamed you.

It isn't your fault, it shouldn't be a 'be like this or else I will cheat'

Showing him cross mumsnetters isn't going to help.

PtolemysNeedle · 16/02/2015 13:32

Of course not Fatstacks, but sometimes bruises are the natural consequence when you take something that doesn't belong to you and you have to be forced into giving it back.

It's not fair for posters to make OPs husband out to be an abuser because he had to physically take back from her something that belonged to him.

TheGirlWhoPlayedWithFire · 16/02/2015 13:33

To petition a divorce on adultery you do unfortunately need proof of PIV sex and that you now find him intolerable to live with.

It's a tough ground and one I would rarely advise people to go down.

Unreasonable behaviour would cover sexting, emotional abuse (him towards you) and possibly the assault. You wouldn't have a problem getting it on those grounds.

If you have to continue to live together I'll advise you to stop doing his laundry/cooking his dinners/doing anything for him domestically. It's important when the Judge is looking at how separate parties are when they still live together. Also go through bills and split everything 50/50 if financially possible.

Finally have a and some take time to acknowledge that his behaviour towards you is shitty and that this is the cause of your breakdown. What's the betting that if he put all of his efforts into making you feel secure and loved that you'd have intimacy. Instead he spent the time trying to get into other women, and that's the reason you don't feel close to him. The blame lies squarely in his shoulders, whatever he chooses to tell you or the world.

I hope you are ok.

Fatstacks · 16/02/2015 13:33

Ptolomy you can't physically force people to do things.

Auburnsparkle · 16/02/2015 13:35

Do not show him this thread. And don't believe the utter nonsense that he is unfaithful because of something you have or have not done. You need the police and Women's Aid. He is a cheat and an abuser - whether you divorce for adultery or unreasonable behaviour is irrelevant - but please do not take him back again. You are just giving him permission to treat you like shite and carry on being unfaithful. I hope you realise you deserve so much better than that.

Fatstacks · 16/02/2015 13:36

ETA Ptolomy I know you mean he didn't hurt her as a deliberate violent act but the outcome is the same.

He did abuse her because he wrestled her to get his phone back.

It wasn't to stop her walking in front of a truck it was to stop her seeing his adultery iyswim

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ptumbi · 16/02/2015 13:37

OP - a friend spend £15000 trying to 'prove' adultery against his wife in his divorce. After months of this, he changed to citing Unreasonable Behaviour. After the NISI, she admitted adultery...

It is very hard to prove, and make stick, a charge of adultery. Go for divorce due to Unreasonable Behaviour (you have plenty to cite for that, by the looks) and save your money.

TheCharmersWife · 16/02/2015 13:37

I cannot split anything 50/50 I have no income, just a business I was trying to set up with his support which I will now shelve. I supported him when we were nothing and when we had nothing. I mad myself ill caring for dc when he was absent carving a successful career.

I nned to get a job ASAP.

OP posts:

Stratter5 · 16/02/2015 13:38

Even if you have to go for the 2 year separation, it would be worth it. You deserve better than this

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