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To think that if men don't want babies they should wear a condom?

(85 Posts)
MrsTawdry Mon 16-Feb-15 09:25:58

I have been arguing on another forum with some men who think that if a man has sex with a woman and she says she's on the pill...and isn't...then all the fault for the unwanted baby lies with her.

whilst I agree that most of the blame is with her, surely it makes sense for a man who does not want a baby to make double sure that he cannot end up with one by wearing a condom?

They say I am victim blaming....that if a couple has an agreement about the pill, then he has been "raped" in a way and that the promise should be enough.

I said why take the risk though? And they tried to liken it to a man filming all sexual encounters to ensure that no accusation of rape could occurr and that by suggesting men "be prepared" I am as bad as people who say women shouldn/t wear short skirts or go out alone after dark.

Am I being unreasonable then? Fully prepared to be told if I am and accept it. I just can't see it at the moment though.

LurkingHusband Mon 16-Feb-15 09:27:20

What's this other forum ? Dickheads Den ?

Mrscog Mon 16-Feb-15 09:27:44

Yanbu, at all.

MrsTawdry Mon 16-Feb-15 09:28:17

Lurking to be fair I think some of them must be a bit younger...mid twenties. It's worrying though....that they think like this.

MrsTawdry Mon 16-Feb-15 09:28:37

they were actually LIVID at my suggestions. Called me a hypocrite.

hijk Mon 16-Feb-15 09:30:07

why wouldn't they be using a condom as a matter of course anyway, even if the girl is on the pill?

Downright irresponsible not to.

merrymouse Mon 16-Feb-15 09:31:09

YANBU. Apart from anything else the pill is fallible.

The idea that this is the equivalent of rape is ridiculous.

MrsTawdry Mon 16-Feb-15 09:32:32

hijk yes...but they all thought that if you're in a relationship and she is on the pill then that's enough. I explained that the pill can fail...if she's sick or something but they would not accept this...they said that the discussion of the pill WAS them taking reponsibility....and I said not...that's HER taking ALL responsibility and that they would be foolish to leave it at their doorstep alone and then complain when/if it failed

MrsTawdry Mon 16-Feb-15 09:33:00

merry they called it "sperm jacking".

ChristyMooreRocks Mon 16-Feb-15 09:35:15

Come on, you have to link to the other discussion smile

claraschu Mon 16-Feb-15 09:36:05

I think that if you are having sex with someone you don't know very well, you risk all sorts of consequences, including unwanted pregnancy, so you should protect yourself.

I think people should be honest with each other, so if a woman says she is on the pill and will abort in the case of an accidental pregnancy, a man should be able to trust her.

If he doesn't know and trust her enough to be sure of her truthfulness he should either: not have sex with her (my preferred option) or protect himself by wearing a condom and being 100% sure she is sober enough to give wholehearted consent to sex (I know, another issue really).

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax Mon 16-Feb-15 09:36:09

No form of contraception is 100% reliable. There's always a chance, and if it happens then you need to be prepared to take responsibility. Whether that's having the baby, and supporting it financially at the very least - or supporting your parter through an abortion. They need to man up over there. Sex isn't just about fun.

HouseBaelish Mon 16-Feb-15 09:36:27

I think contraception should be totally a two person decision.

If a woman doesn't want a baby she should insist that her partner wheres a condom.

All talk of likening it to rape is ridiculous.

However if a couple decides to use the pill as their only form of contraception and the women either forgets/doesnt take and doesn't make her partner aware - then yes, IMO she is totally at fault for not giving her partner the chance to make other arrangements

pictish Mon 16-Feb-15 09:37:11

Yanbu. I have only just made this very point on another thread actually.

Men have protection at their disposal in the form of condoms and if they opt out of using them, any consequences are of their own creation. Be it an unwelcome pregnancy or an STI.

GoodbyeToAllOfThat Mon 16-Feb-15 09:37:12

I really do not understand how a man could have sex with a woman in a casual relationship without a condom. If the woman becomes pregnant, he has zero control over what happens. Why would anyone want to put themselves in that situation?

I wouldn't trust anyone's say so that they are on the pill. You have no idea how scrupulous they are about anything.

HouseBaelish Mon 16-Feb-15 09:38:23

"wears" Sheesh. Sorry.

Playing devil's advocate - it is possible the woman opts out of using condoms?

MrsWolowitz Mon 16-Feb-15 09:38:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Honeydragon Mon 16-Feb-15 09:41:24

If an adult does not want to have a child than that adult should take the necessary precautions to prevent this, regardless of gender or what the other consenting adult is doing.

If a woman consents to sex with a condom as she is worried about stds than the male partner has the option to decline sexual intercourse or comply.

I can't see any forcing occurring?


ChristyMooreRocks Mon 16-Feb-15 09:42:21

A woman who lies about being on the pill is a total arsehole, but yes I agree that if a man really doesn't want a baby then he should use a condom as well.

Having said that, thinking about it, there have been discussions on here about how if a man was to take a condom off mid sex then that would be rape because she has only consented to sex with a condom. So wouldn't it work the other way around as well, that the man has only consented to sex with 'the pill'?

ChristyMooreRocks Mon 16-Feb-15 09:44:22

Btw not goading here, just asking the question, am happy to be corrected!

gotasecretcanyoukeepit Mon 16-Feb-15 09:44:32

Yanbu and yabu - yes men should be aware of the possible failure of the pill and accept full responsibility for any child which is the result of a contraceptive not working.

I've got the minrena coil in and have been with my partner for 5 years - we don't use condoms as personally I can't stand them. However, if I decided to get it secretly removed and got pregnant there is absolutely no way I would try and claim that the child's father should have worn a condom - it'd be a despicable thing to do. I would sure as hell feel violated if a guy pulled that stunt on me somehow, I.e. pretended that he'd had a vasectomy.

OnlyLovers Mon 16-Feb-15 09:45:35

I think it'd be despicable to lie about being on the pill.

I agree with Christy that in this scenario, someone has only consented to sex under certain conditions, so by changing those conditions the other person is behaving unreasonably.

Having said that, I wouldn't have sex with a new partner without using a condom even if I were on the pill.

Goldmandra Mon 16-Feb-15 09:45:52

If they don't have sex, nobody can hijack their sperm. Job done.

Sexually intercourse creates lives, sometimes despite the use of contraception. If they don't want to risk being fathers they should just keep it in their trousers.

They make the choice to take the risk, they get to live with the consequences. To compare it to rape is frankly abusive to rape victims.

LadyFairfaxSake Mon 16-Feb-15 09:49:30

Takes 2 to tango, both parties ought to take a measure of responsibility for the avoidance of both pregnancy & STDs.
If a man is grown up enough to be having sex, he's (or at least he ought to be) grown up enough to share the responsibility that goes with the fun.

Purplepoodle Mon 16-Feb-15 09:51:03

I agree men should wear condoms if they don't want children BUT women should also be responsible and take measures too.

It does surprise me though how some ladies think getting pregnant will change a man and turn him into an amazing father and seem truly shocked when the man wants nothing to do with them or the child.

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