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To think that, if the other adult in the house actually pulled their weight, I wouldn't have to "nag"?

(47 Posts)
DrSeuss Sun 15-Feb-15 16:46:40

Apparently, he "doesn't know what needs doing".
Apparently, the board in the kitchen with a list of weekly jobs eg wash floor, is beyond him. He only has a PhD, after all!
Apparently, looking around him and seeing that the living room carpet is covered in bits is not a clue that someone needs to Hoover.
If I just run him through with a bread knife, can I go to a nice, quiet cell where I can just sit and read?!
I am sick of asking for help, over and over. Being promised help then ignored. I put it to him that maybe this is why I get annoyed. He again claims that he doesn't understand what is required. I am not especially house proud. I just like a reasonably clean home, not a show house.
Can anyone give me a good reason not to just use the bread knife?

Suddengeekgirl Sun 15-Feb-15 16:49:12

I hear you! Dh is the same. hmm

Thankfully he hardly ever moans about being nagged. I have learnt that I need to tell him to do stuff, then it'll get done mostly

Although there are still arguments like when he goes upstairs with the dcs, remarks about how messy their rooms are, and then walks off again. Who else did he think was going to do/ instigate the tidying? hmm

DrSeuss Sun 15-Feb-15 16:56:35

My choices come down to-
1 do it all myself as well as going to work and taking the kids to all their activities
2 ask, ask, ask and be called a nag.
3 live in a shit hole and try to ignore it.

Blankiefan Sun 15-Feb-15 16:57:57

4 Get a cleaner.

specialsubject Sun 15-Feb-15 16:59:59


5 discuss like adults?

KERALA1 Sun 15-Feb-15 17:01:40

Like hey haven't tried that hmm

PopularNamesInclude Sun 15-Feb-15 17:02:22

6 Tell him that you need to live apart as you are done being either his maud or his mother.

PopularNamesInclude Sun 15-Feb-15 17:02:47

Maid. Not maud.

WhereYouLeftIt Sun 15-Feb-15 17:03:10

"Apparently, the board in the kitchen with a list of weekly jobs eg wash floor, is beyond him."
No, it's really really not beyond him. He's making a choice.

pinkyredrose Sun 15-Feb-15 17:04:01

How did he manage before he met you, did he just live in a pit?

CatsClaus Sun 15-Feb-15 17:09:37

well, i guess he realises he needs food and clean there's two things for you to stop doing with immediate effect.

I have growled "you do realise that solitary confinement holds no fear for a mother of three at the end of her tether....?????" at the whole bally lot of them

Mr Seuss needs to be sent home to his mother.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sun 15-Feb-15 17:15:00

He's deliberately being an arse, of course he knows the carpet needs a hoover but is banking on you doing it yourself as he's a lazy tit and he hopes that you'll think 'I can't wait for him, I'll do it my fucking self then!'

PhD or not, he's treating you with disdain.

bakingaddict Sun 15-Feb-15 17:29:05

Then you have to get tough....I agree with cat start by doing just your own laundry and cooking and leave him to fend for himself. If that doesn't work then you need to sit him down and tell him that his attitude and inability to perform simple household tasks is jeopardizing the future of your marriage. Nothing kills a marriage like being taken for granted

Fabulassie Sun 15-Feb-15 17:29:52

Can't you understand that a man, particularly a man with a PhD, is too good for menial housework?

DrSeuss Sun 15-Feb-15 17:30:40

Yes, his bachelor flat was filthy.
Yes, I have tried discussing it rather than arguing.
Can't afford a cleaner.
Some days I think his mother can have him back. Any time I suggest that he might help more, all she says is, "poor MrDrSeuss!". She claims to be a feminist, believing in equality for all! I have taken to addressing her at times as Jocasta, as that's the suitable complex and she never tires of mentioning that she studied psychology, or by her late mother's name. Her late mother worshiped her own brothers and MIL has always been very scathing. Apple didn't fall so far from the tree, if truth were known! MIL was the one who, when DS was three weeks old and I was recovering from mastitis, suggested in all seriousness that I needed to talk to the midwife about my husband's terrible stress levels! She was astonished when I said what you're all thinking!

SoMuchForSubtlety Sun 15-Feb-15 17:32:48

Does he agree that the chores are necessary? I know DH and I have slightly different things that annoy us (eg me, his used socks everywhere; him, my inability to be on time for anything) and therefore a different view on what needs to be done regularly in the house.

DrSeuss Sun 15-Feb-15 17:37:48

Washing the floor? Cleaning the bathroom? Dusting? Putting stuff away? Laundry? Loading the dishwasher? Unloading it again? Is there anyone who could find these excessive? Wiping up food you spill on a work top? Returning crockery you have used? Wiping spills on the cooker? Anyone out there just not bother?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 15-Feb-15 17:39:28

He's an arsehole. A lazy and conceited arsehole who believes he's too important to sully his hands with trivial matters like sharing housework responsibilities. But you're not, that's your job, to be his skivvy and maid-servant.

You have a choice: become a nag and a harridan, put up and shut up, or get rid.

DoJo Sun 15-Feb-15 17:48:40

Does he realise the damage he is doing to your relationship do you think? Have you told him, explicitly, that he is chipping away at your love for him by putting himself first so flagrantly? Nobody wants to spend their time doing the drudge work, but it needs to be done and someone who refuses to acknowledge that is just making excuses for prioritising their leisure time over yours.

silveroldie2 Sun 15-Feb-15 18:04:05

Your first mistake is talking about him 'helping' you. Two adults living in a house should take equal responsibility for cleaning etc.

Has he suddenly changed? If not, you married and had children with him, so why complain now if he's never been any different?

PedantMarina Sun 15-Feb-15 18:16:58

Ya know something, I don't give a fuck about his PhD: if - between your salaries - you can't afford a cleaner, NOBODY is above doing some cleaning.

But if you dig even a bit (not even deeply), I think you'll find that you probably can afford a cleaner.

But even that's not the issue. If he really thinks it's beneath him, what does that say about YOU000?!?

TheyLearnedFromBrian Sun 15-Feb-15 18:23:43

You tell him he becomes a proper team member or he finds another team.

You tell him he becomes a partner not a dependant, or watch you lose every ounce of respect for him as he skives and takes and leeches, but never contributes.

You couch it in those terms, not helping and chores

Poor friend, poor partner

And you act on what you say.

Next time you don't 'nag', you pack a bag, put it by the door and say get the fuck out, nobody takes me for a fool, calls me their partner and says they love me then takes me for a ride.

It's about love, respect, an adult having the pride to mop up their own shit, pull their weight, do their bit. If he can't do that - everything else is bollocks.

PedantMarina Sun 15-Feb-15 18:24:53

You know, I completely get why people might think that when you marry, have children, etc, things might change. It's all crap, of course, but it's crap very few of us were taught in PHSE. But we all wanted to make things work.

And priorities DO change when life-changing milestones happen. Habits can change. DP have gotten nominally better about housework at each milestone.

But not when somebody is so set-in in their own brain. And NOT when the other party just puts up with it, or does only the white-noise level of complaining. You need to get more than white-noise. Sorry.

bigbluebus Sun 15-Feb-15 18:36:12

I too have a DH to whom it would not occur to get the hoover out or clean the bathroom. In all seriousness I really don't think he sees that the floor/bathrooms need cleaning. He does, however, remove his crockery to the diswasher and indeed load/unload the dishwasher daily, but that is about the extent of what he sees actually needs doing. Left to him, bedding and towels would never get changed and it never ceases to amaze me how he can walk past an almost overflowing bin and not think "oh, that needs emptying".

He lived on his own for 7 years and his flat then house were a shit tip.

I just think some men don't see things the same as women do.

In my experience, you actually have to dish out specific jobs when they need doing. On occasions when I have lost my rag and ranted about DH not doing stuff around the house he just stands there and says "what needs doing?" hmm

PurpleWithRed Sun 15-Feb-15 18:42:12

In our household it's DH who has the higher standards and ends up doing stuff because I just don't think it needs doing or see that it needs doing. When he goes away the house does revert to my standards degenerate.

We have had to agree a happy medium with compromise on both sides (more or less) and some specific divisions of labour.

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