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I've posted here primarily for traffic, I'm sorry if it's not relevant but I need help . . .

(7 Posts)
Fatlapdancer Thu 12-Feb-15 11:14:55

I've really deliberated over whether or not to post here. It's something I'm not sure I want to delve into but feel as though I need answers.

I remember a while back a very close friend confided in me that she'd started having flash backs to a time that she had no recollection of otherwise. She said that she remembered the room that she was in and remembered a bald headed man although she couldn't remember what had actually happened, she said that she felt as though her mind had blocked it out. She has since had a conversation with her mum about these flashbacks. Her mum broke down and said that when she wasmade toddler of 2 she had been sexually abused by a friend. She had never mentioned it as she had hoped that my friend hadn't remembered it.

It bought back memories of my own flashbacks. I tried to push them to one side but it's just always giggling in the back of my mind.

I remember being in the bathroom of my childhood home with my father (I'm guessing I wouldve been about 2) I was naked and I remember him being naked too. This might not sound unusual but we weren't an "open" family wherever nudity was concerned so it WAS unusual for our set up.
I remember him turning the shower on and I remember the White shower curtain. I also remember my hair being tied up in a bun on the top of my head. If I was going into the shower, why was it tied up? To keep it out of the way? I remember him lifting me into the shower and I remember nothing after that. We NEVER showered, bathed whatever with our parents. It was not something that we did.

I have never been close to my dad. Never a daddy's girl considering my mum and dad split up when I was 15, so idhad 15 years of him being at home, nearly my whole childhood.
I was always wary of him frightened almost.
There might be nothing in these flashbacks but I can only think that they are coming back for a reason, like they've been suppressed for a long time.

I have my own daughter now, she's 18 months old. I was always wary of giving her to my dad to hold and would never change her nappy in front of him. I don't know if it's my subconscious or whether I'm reading far too much into things. There is just something that makes me very uncomfortable around him that I can't quite put into words.

My father and I have since fallen out over something irrelevant to this post. He is an alcoholic Wh blames everybody else for his problems. It sounds awful but I don't miss him at all, I'm not even sure that I love him.
In fact I don't love him. I don't want to get flamed for this thread but I need some advice. I just don't know where to start

NancyJones Thu 12-Feb-15 11:24:15

I'm sorry, you are obviously very distressed but nobody on here can give you the answers you need. You really need to see a professional who can help you make sense of your thoughts and feelings. Make sure they are reputable and not likely to 'lead' you anywhere without foundation. A good start would be to see your GP. I am sorry for your friend's distress but whilst you may have experienced something similar, it may simply be that you have never got on with your father, perhaps due to his alcoholism. Fwiw, I wouldn't read anything into your hair being tied back, that in itself isn't strange.
Good luck. Please seek some help.

microferret Thu 12-Feb-15 11:26:22

Hi there OP. It could be nothing but I would suggest going to see a professional about it, a psychologist, counsellor or a psychotherapist - they may be able to help you make sense of this memory and determine whether it is real and if it fits with a model of a victim's response to abuse. Is your mother available? If so you could also gently broach the subject with her.

I would also keep your father well away from your daughter. Trust your instincts - you DD's safety is paramount. If you do not like him, love him or trust him, there is probably no reason to keep seeing him. If he makes you feel uncomfortable there is probably a good reason for it.

Wishing you and your LO all the best.

Bananasandchocolatecustard Thu 12-Feb-15 11:27:35

I would trust your gut instinct about your father. Can you talk to your mum about your flashbacks? In the ideal world you would be able to access medical/professional help to "find out" what happened to you when you were a child, but it could be a long wait. Would you consider going to your doctor and asking for their advice? The Samaratians could provide an opportunity to talk to someone in the mean time.
I hope my suggestions are of some use.

InfinitySeven Thu 12-Feb-15 11:30:04

It's possible that something happened that you've blocked out. It's possible that your friends situation has caused you to look back for a reason that you are not close to your father, and your mind has pieced this together. It's also possible that your mind is looking for an excuse for why you don't love him.

If you want to explore your flashbacks, you'll need to find a reputable professional who is experienced in this kind of thing. You also need to be open minded - this kind of thing can drag up a lot of issues. It may be that you find evidence that your Dad did something wrong, or it may be that you find evidence that your head is twisting this into something its not. Either will be difficult to explore and overcome, which is why you can't do this on your own.

You could start by talking to your GP, or finding a private therapist who is registered and highly recommended.

NancyJones Thu 12-Feb-15 11:39:23

I would add that the fact your father is an alcoholic with whom you do not have a loving relationship is in itself enough of a reason to be cautious with regards your DD. Even if your flashbacks turn out not to be sinister, he doesn't sound like a doting responsible GF.

Fatlapdancer Thu 12-Feb-15 11:40:36

Thank you all. I don't think I could broach it with my mum. She's likely to overreact and ring the police because she just can't help herself. She was depressed for most of my childhood.

I will book an appointment with my GP

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