aibu to talk to my friend to tell her she has hurt me?(132 Posts)
I am new to mn but have lurked for a month and would really appreciate some objective advice. Sorry in advance if I get lingo wrong and for length as trying to give info needed.
I met friend when we were both pregnant at parent craft class. Going to call her Mary here. Our dd's were born 2 months apart with my dd born first. My dh and I worked f/t and stock pilled nappies, stuff on hospital list while peg. Dd was huge so many of the clothes we bought were hardly or not worn and we also had packets of nappies too. Mary always talked about being broke and being grateful for stream of clothes she got from folk 2nd hand. She was also in a poorly paid job. I handed over the nappies to her and also a lot of clothes but I said dh and I wanted another child and so could she keep the clothes in the event I got pregnant again she agreed.
Fast forward a year and I was peg again. After dropping hints about needing to get ready for the baby at 7 months prg I asked her if she could return the clothes. She looked surprised at this but then said of course. However they were not handed over so after a few weeks had passed (having seen each other a few tines and no mention of them) I asked again. She said she was mortified but could not find them. Given she and moved house 3 times in this period I said not to worry these things happen with house moves etc. I did not think about it again and got organised for new arrival. Meantime she also got peg but lost the baby early and complications mean she cannot have more. V sad for her and we spent much time talking about it and I really feel for her.
For most part we get on well though I do find self trying to get off subject of how little money they have as it just goes on for hours. I feel for her but any suggestion etc I make job or savings wise makes no difference. She says she is disappointed ours dds sane size as I can't pass her clothes (I had a ds).
Anyway finally getting to point (thanks for reading so far). Mary knows I only use intranet in work for toys etc and am not on Fb or Gumtree etc. Friend was round last week and I told her I wanted to get 2nd hand balance bike for did so she took me onto this buy swap sell site and I had nosey around. Is a local site and there was a pic of a second hand bundle of clothes with all the clothes I gave her on it and a few more. It is her.
So I told my dh. We think either she did not want to give me the clothes back as she wanted another baby and needed them. Or she did loose them and then found them and decided to sell them. I feel that she should have given or at least offered to GIve me them back as they were on. Loan not given. Dh says to back off slowly from her as she has broken trust And not raise it with her as she will either deny it or turn it into how I am lucky I have more money than her etc. I feel life is short and why make enemies so let things go as much as possible but I don't care about the clothes now I feel she has lied to me and broken trust and I should raise it with her before backing off. What do u think I should do?Thanks
I think that your friend has had a hard time and I also think that you can't ask for baby clothes back after handing them over so YABU in my opinion.
I find it odd to give someone baby clothes and expect them back. Big items maybe but clothes are cheap and babies are messy so I think it was madness to "loan" baby clothes in the first place. However if you made it clear they were on loan then no, she shouldn't be selling them.
It comes across a bit like you want to be seen to be helping her and generous as you are better off, but really loaning someone baby clothes isn't that helpful, poor woman probably lived in fear of stains!
You didn't give her the clothes, you loaned them, and now she's lied about losing them and is selling them?!
That's basically stealing.
I'd probably buy them and then turn up to collect!
I think it's find to lend people baby clothes so long as you're up front about it from the beginning as you were - very different from handing them over without mentioning anything and then asking for them back a year down the line.
If you're not likely to see her much again, then I'd be tempted to post a comment on the sales board along the lines of 'Gutted to see that you did find at least some of clothes I'd lent you but have decided to lie to me and sell them instead of returning them as promised. I thought you were a decent honourable person and that you were my friend. This is not what friends do.'
You have called her out, you haven't demanded the clothes back but you've made your point pretty clear. Also she has to decide whether or not to now do the decent thing and return your stuff or to carry on and flog it - you're giving her the chance.
I know it's not quite as brave as talking to her directly but I'm not that brave!
She hasn't behaved very well but I think your DH is right that there's nothing to be gained from having it out with her. I would leave it alone, chalk it up to experience and look for other friends.
No need to be unkind PrettyFeet.
Obviously it's not the clothes per sé but that the friend is selling them behind her back when she was told they were on loan.
That's a pretty backstabbing thing to do. That must hurt OP.
I like the pp's idea of posting a comment on the site. Make her squirm.
Personally I wouldn't have her in my house again. You never know what she might lift.
Um baby clothes are cheap as chips just move on and buy more unless your one of those people who dresses your kids in Â£30 a pop baby gros.
Think of it this way: you are having another baby, and can afford new clothes for it. She got a m/c, secondary infertility, and is broke enough to be selling bundles on second hand sites.
Do you really think you need to "make her squirm" or show her up or have it out? Couldn't you just, you know, be a grown up and get over it?
I don't understand why so many of you think it's ok to blatantly lie to a friend? It's obvious that what the OP is upset about is not the clothes but the deceit. I'd be upset too OP and I'd have to say something to her about it.
I don't understand why you think anyone thinks that?
Really?! I can't believe anyone would think you were being unreasonable!
I got some second hand baby clothes from a friend. Some of them were too big so I gave them to SIL for my niece and we both agreed I'd get them back next year when they will fit DD. Obviously if they get lost or ruined I won't care at all, but deliberate stealing is not okay!
I don't know if I'd say anything...maybe buy them from her and turn up to collect.
See "get a grip" and other comments grogglebox.
Very dishonest of her. Not the sort of friend to keep, I think.
YANBU - I would ask her about them and ask for them back. You clearly told her they were a Liam. I think she is being very deceitful to sell them. She will only get a few quid for them. If they are clothes for newborns then it's not as though they will be worn out.
I bought reasonable quality baby clothes and them lasted for all four of my DC, I didn't see them as disposable items.
As long as you were sure. They were a loan then she should give them back.
I find it hard to believe any of the YABU posters would actually sell the clothes if they were in your friends position.
She has lied to you. Friends don't lie.
Also, are your absolutely sure. They are your babies clothes as it seems quite a coincidence that they have turned up now.
Wow, OPs friend has bare faced lied to her and posters are saying she IBU?! Mumsnet is so weird sometimes.
Doesn't matter a jot what the value of the clothes are, OP asked for them back and if they were available they should be given.
Well, obviously she has been dishonest and this is clearly the end of the friendship for you.
But I have to say, asking for the clothes back is not something I would ever dream of doing.
Cut her off by all means, but do it in the knowledge that her life is pretty shit as it is.
YANBU at all and can't believe people are saying you don't loan clothes! I don't think baby clothes are cheap throwaway items, that's everything that is wrong with consumerism today. I also bought good quality items to last a few dc or received nice gifts.
Most people I know will loan clothes back and forward between each other if the ages/sexes work out. You do have to be clear that it's a loan as you are planning more dc or that you're done and don't want them back so can do as they wish with them once finished. You were clear about that and she's lied to you and assumed you'll never know. I would comment on the advert just to say "those clothes look familiar, thought you'd lost them" just so she knows you're on to her and why you will be withdrawing from that friendship.
I don't think you're BU at all. I had a similar situation recently with SIL. She gave me (outright, specifically said to pass them on when I was done with them) some of my nephew's old clothes for my baby DS.
Some months later she asked for them back for a girl at her work's new baby. Most of them had been given away already, but I decided that as people - including SIL - had been so generous to us that I would give her whatever things of DS's that I could find. Cue me handing over an enormous bag of barely worn (and some brand new) things, way, way better than what SIL had given me originally, but hey, it's all about paying it forward, right?
Three days later SIL listed them on a Facebook selling page. I had just joined in order to sell DS's jumperoo! I nearly died when I saw all of DS's lovely things... very upsetting.
Your friend sounds like she is accustomed to feeling like poor little me. That in itself would have me wary of her. I find that people like that are like that regardless of their income.
Bloody hell. It's not the value of the the items but the act of selling on something that someone's loaned you. I'd be pretty pissed off.
We've kept all of ds clothes and they are perfectly fine for dc2. Why on earth would you buy an entire new lot when there's nothing wrong with what you already have?!
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