to not see this mum and her dd socially anymore?(8 Posts)
When dd was a baby I went to a first time mums group and was fortunate enough to meet a few ladies and babies who I still get along with almost 2.5 years later. We rarely meet as a large group now as we all work different days but meet up in 2s or 3s depending on who is about.
One lady in this group has a little girl who has become a very difficult toddler. By this I mean that she hits, kicks, bites and pushes my dd every time we see her. She always does it to my dd even though dd never does it to her or anyone else. If she did at her age I would pull her up on it. Little girls mum never ever speaks to her about this or asks her to stop even when it happens multiple times. I am not precious about dd getting a bit of rough and tumble, that's life , but on Monday for example she hit dd 3 times round the head with a plastic toy leaving a red mark, took out her dummy and poked it in dds eye and pushed her into a chair which hurt her, all within one hour.
Aibu not to spend my time with this mum if she cannot help her dd to understand that this is not acceptable behaviour time and time again? I feel a bit bitchy as I don't want to leave her out of things but I also don't think it's my place to tell her how to bring up her dd. Thoughts?
YANBU to not want to see this friend and her DD again when she does nothing to stop her DD from continually hurting yours.
However, I do think you should tell her why you're less inclined to meet them and give her the chance to try to do something about the situation, if she wants to, as she may not realise that it's a problem.
I felt a bit like this about a friend of mine and her daughter; but in time then her behaviour did improve. Must admit it was not as bad as what you are describing. Is there any scope for meetin up without the kids to maintain the friendship until she grows out of it?
What does the Mum say when her DD is hitting yours. If you said "Friend can you please tell your DD to stop hitting mine with that toy?!" What would she say?
I wouldn't bother seeing her if it was me. The little girl isn't the problem, but the Mum doing nothing to correct her would drive me mad.
Thanks for these ideas, I have been worried about saying something as I don't want to upset the mum, I do like her, but I ought to say something otherwise it looks like I am just backing off for no reason I guess. I do think her dd will grow out of it, but in the meantime my dd as a punchbag is not ideal for us. It's bizarre as this little girl seems to target mine, I wonder if it's a misplaced affection...
Yy to misplaced affection. My ds2 used to attack one little boy - because he really really loved him, and just couldn't express it any other way. He was so excited to see him, but was a complete nightmare. He would hit the other boy over the head, push him over . . . I still cringe at the memory. He never did it to anyone else, but they he never loved anyone else half as much as his first little friend.
The other mum was brilliant. I would be mortified (I would never have ignored it, and used to remove ds2 from the situation - the biggest punishment in the world for him). She would talk about it but without blaming me, for which I was hugely grateful.
If you can, address it directly with the other mum. Keep it light, but make it clear that your dd is getting hurt, so maybe you will have to find somewhere else to play until they have grown out of this phase.
This is a hard situation, but it does need to be dealt with. I was in a similar situation with a friend for a time. We spent a lot of time together due to being in the same church and the same circle of friends and her daughter was a year older than my twins. Her parenting methods were rather different to mine, and initially that was OK - her daughter was rather spoiled, but if it didn't directly affect my kids then I didn't say anything - each to their own.
However, when her daughter started bossing my two around, saying mean things to them and behaving in a way that was completely unacceptable, and my kids were seeing her getting away with it, I had to step in. My general rule of thumb is "my house, my rules" so if she was in my house playing and did something unacceptable and her mum didn't step in then I would with a gentle "we don't do that/speak like that in this house". If we were elsewhere however it was harder. We're a tight knit group of friends who all look out for each other's kids and I think that made it a bit easier. If one of mine did something unacceptable and I was unable to do anything about it because I didn't see it, or was otherwise engaged with another child, then I'd be more than happy for one of my friends to step in. Even without that though - if something is done to my child that is plain wrong (and I'm not talking about accidents or general childhood silliness) and the other parent doesn't say anything then I will. I'm never mean about it, but I am firm while still being gentle. Something along the lines of "Now X, that wasn't very kind - why don't you say sorry and then we can all play nicely together." I am very clear on doing the same for my kids too - they are no angels so I'm not picking on one child in particular. It could, as you say, be misplaced affection - a boy was like this with my eldest when they were about 5/6 years old. He kept doing weird things to him (like sticking blutac in his hair, putting paint on his school shirt etc) and constantly called him names. I knew the homelife was a little difficult though and he was a child who just didn't know how to socialise and make friends properly. I had to tell my son to stay away from him when it was just the two of them, and to be wary, but not to cut him out and to try to brush off the name calling.
With this little girl it was harder though because the parents were always there. With my son the mum wasn't around because it was always happening at school and that is a big difference - behaviour is one thing, letting a child away with that behaviour is a whole other issue.
On one occasion my two girls, this other girl (X), and another girl (Y) were all waiting to go to the loo. One of my girls had got there first and was just about to go in when X pushed her out of the way - she pushed her so hard that she fell against the fire door which opened and she fell down the 2 steps outside the door. It sounds more dramatic than it was - she was fine, but she got a fright. The parent of Y looked at me in shock, and didn't really know what to say. I waited for X's dad to tell her off and get her to apologise, but he said nothing at all. I picked up my daughter and said that I was sure that X didn't mean to hurt her, but she would say sorry and then they'd all get to go to the loo in turns. The dad responded by telling his daughter "it's OK - you didn't mean to don't worry. Let's go to the toilet and then go back to mummy." They went to the loo while myself and the other parent stood open mouthed at the complete rejection of any kind of responsibility or apology! After that I had had enough and said no more playdates. We only saw her with a big group of people and I told my girls to stay away from this girl. I hated doing it, but it had gone too far. Sadly, another friend has also had to stop playdates because her daughter ended up in tears every time because of this girl and it was getting too much to see her get away with it all the time. Like I said - there is a big difference between behaviour which is checked, and behaviour which is unchecked.
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