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Did I do the right thing?

(9 Posts)
Brokentopieces Tue 10-Feb-15 19:57:05

I was never with dds father (one night stand with a 'friend'). Over the past 6 years he's never really being involved except the last year maybe about 24 to 48 hours over the entire year. It's always the same story that he loves her, wants to see her, he's coped on etc. but only last afew weeks until he starts not showing up so I just tell him to fuck off. It's always around Xmas, Father's Day, birthdays that he's bothered even tho I know he does love her, it's just not enough.

So roll on today, dds birthday. His friend contacts me on his behalf asking for my number so he can wish dd a happy birthday etc. now this is the man who has ignored 5 messages since Xmas about seeing her (he stopped seeing her st.stevens day after seeing her for a month) so this friends goes back and forth that he's really serious, wants to be able to get on for dd and see her every week. I tell her that he needs to prove himself before talking to her because it's not fair on dd and she totally agrees with me. So I give my number and ask her to tell him it's the last chance I'm giving him, and not to ring, that he could text me to arrange a meeting between me and him to sort our issues before involving dd because I simply don't believe him.

So he calls me and I miss two calls as I was out and the phone was at home, I got another call later from another number which turned out to be him and when I answered he acts like I should just pass the phone to dd whose had a lovely day. I say let's try and sort things first etc. he starts to argue and I put her on for afew minutes but now I feel like complete shit. In one way dd is happy she spoke to him but I don't think it would of made any difference if she didn't and he now thinks he can just come and go again, I feel like I've no backbone. He's going to expect he can just arrive to my house now without trying to talk about things and at least get to a place that we can be civil. Should I have let him have his way?

The friend was so genuine so I believe he was saying all the right things to her but yet when he spoke to me he seems so determined to argue. I'm just so sick of it. I used to suffer with bulimia in the past and have done it the past two Saturdays and I feel myself edging towards the bathroom

whothehellknows Tue 10-Feb-15 20:28:13

I think you're right to ask him to meet with you and discuss how things should work going ahead so that your DD isn't disappointed. It's shitty, feckless behavior on his part.

I suppose there isn't much harm in him ringing her, but I wouldn't be prepared for more than that unless he was going to be consistent.

cleanmyhouse Tue 10-Feb-15 20:39:45

Tell him to fuck off. Being consistantly let down is much worse than no contact for a little one.

GokTwo Tue 10-Feb-15 20:52:19

I agree with you op. I am in a slightly similar position to you with Dd's dad although less extreme. How old is your dd? I ask because mine put up with the hot and cold attitude till she was about 10 and then told me she no longer wanted to be doing with it. It was too upsetting and frustrating. I respected her feelings and we haven't looked back. Have a meeting with him if you want but make it really clear that he can't do this to her.

Brokentopieces Tue 10-Feb-15 21:09:11

She's 6 today. I've reached this point many times in the past and it's always the same. I just always wonder if this time he's changed, his friend whose a mother herself with a bad relationship with her father (zero contact because he acted like dds dad) laid it out straight to him and she believes he's serious this time. He loves her so much but he puts everything ahead of her, drinking, girlfriends etc.

the worst part is dd makes excuses for him when he doesn't show, he couldn't come and his phone must be broken so he couldn't ring us he needs to buy a new phone in town or I think grandad wouldn't let him borrow the car to drive down, this is really upsetting because I don't know if she knows this isn't normal and is trying to convince herself he's a proper dad or if she thinks he's perfect and sees their relationship as normal. She is completely in live with his dog which I think pays a big part in her wanting to see him when he shows

Thanks for all the replies

Holliegolightlyscat Tue 10-Feb-15 22:25:41

Children need consistency in their little lives. It sounds like he picks her up when he fancies playing daddy then drops her again when something more exciting comes along. If you feel this chopping and changing is having a negative affect on her it must stop. It sounds like she wasn't even bothered about hearing from him on her birthday - children are very adaptable and it's usually a case of out of sight out of mind with little'uns. If he cannot commit to something regular, with no excuses, I would cut him off. You say he loves your daughter but how could anyone just let that much time pass by without seeing their child? She's not a toy to be discarded when he's bored with it. And he obvs doesn't care about the effect not turning up might have on her (fear of rejection/feeling not good enough later in life). He needs to grow up and you do need to grow a backbone (your words, sorry!) - but she has you and I'm sure you're more than enough.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway Tue 10-Feb-15 23:07:36

I think you could argue that he doesn't love her. He might love the idea of her, or of himself as a father, maybe even a caring one, but if he loved her, would he repeatedly drop out of her life and constantly let her down? No, he wouldn't.

If he can't step up and be a father, he shouldn't get to pretend to be one on his terms to make himself feel good. It's not fair to her.

Brokentopieces Wed 11-Feb-15 19:43:55

Thanks for all the replies. I know he's no good I just get so upset thinking of dd growing up without a dad even tho we've done just fine ourselves the past 6 years

Brokentopieces Sat 14-Feb-15 18:54:15

He contacted me to say he'd be down to see dd tomorrow, I said I'd be willing to speak to him given what his friend had said but of course he starts going mad when I say dd wouldn't be there and that I would hear him out but I'm not making promises but of course he's not happy with that, he thinks he can just swan back in with birthday presents without so much as an apology. I'm so irritated

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