to be really upset and angry with Dsis. I have no idea where to go from here.(89 Posts)
A bit of backstory so not to drip feed. I've posted before that Dsis (10 yrs my senior) is an alcoholic... completely in denial and unaware that it's a horrible situation for the whole family. She got completely plastered on Christmas Day then walked out and slept God knows where. They whole family were in shock. DBiL has asked that we NEVER TALK ABOUT and apparently we all have to carry on as though nothing happened.
I wrote her a heartfelt 5-page letter after Christmas to try and explain how I felt, but she emailed me that she wasn't willing to even read it.
I'm sure you can imagine that ignoring the whole situation is completely impossible. We've had chatty email and text exchanges, and we have had one chat on the phone (completely fine) since Christmas. My Dniece, DM and myself have all been going to AlAnon since Christmas to try and cope with our anger issues, and to try and get a handle on the whole 'detach with love' thing. It's working up to a point.
Anyway, yesterday I had a great bit of news I was dying to share with DM. We are very close, probably even more so than ever. I rang her and started to tell her the news, only to hear that Dsis had got the news from Facebook earlier in the day (DM doesn't have a computer) and told her the whole thing. This was MY NEWS. My family's news. Not hers.
I emailed Dsis a perfectly lovely account of our weekend, with all sorts of chatty news, but then said that I was sorry to be a bit moany (I hate confrontation and was shaking while doing it) but I was so disappointed that she'd told DM my news having read it on Fbook, and could she not pass on my family's news to DM before I even get the chance.
Her response was to say sorry I was upset (not sorry that she'd done something which is a subtle but important difference imo), and that she'd done this for the last 10 years. She said she knows mum misses out on family stuff (wtf?) because she doesn't have a computer, so she regularly rings her up and describes photos, reads out texts and tells her what EVERYONE in the extended family has been up to. She said DM understands that if someone in the family rings her to tell her the same piece of news, DM has to pretend not to know about it. DSis said she couldn't imagine why DM had told me she already knew in this instance.
WTF? Is she family oracle? Yes DM doesn't have a computer, but she has a PHONE and I ring her 4 times a week. As does my DB and my DNiece.
Honestly I am shaking with anger. I know it's all out of proportion because of the backstory but I don't know where to go from here. I just need her to apologise properly. Also, taking on board that the WHOLE FAMILY are in bits about her drinking... actually acknowledging that we have a right to be upset would also help. Instead we just have to pretend everything is OK. Oh grrrr. Like I said though, I'm not a confrontational person and the very thought of having a argument makes me feel sick. We haven't had a cross word EVER in 42 years btw, apart from the row on Christmas Day when she accused me (slurringly) of 'judging her'. I wasn't. I was crying because DM was so upset at seeing her totally plastered.
I'd appreciate any advice. AIBU to think that taking my news from Facebook, texts etc and ringing DM to tell her is out of order?
I think it's out of order putting news that you want to share yourself with close family on Facebook first.
Once it's out there, you can't control what happens to it.
I think the first thing to take is never publish anything on Facebook until you have told everyone in real life who is important to you.
Firstly, I feel your pain (a lot) and have an alcoholic mother and 1 or probably 2 sisters who, thankfully, live miles away. Your feelings are going to be very raw and you are going to find it hard to forgive her for anything.
However, IMO, if it is on Facebook, it is in public and you can't expect anyone to be in the dark about news.
So, your feelings are perfectly understandable, particularly about the secrecy and "let's pretend" in the familly but, if I were you, I would pick a different battle with your sister.
If you put it on Facebook then it's fair game.
You put it on Facebook so you have no leg to stand on!
Why on earth didn't you tell your mother before posting it for all and sundry to see?
Your sister is not wrong on this one, you are.
I understand you have a build up of anger and upset to do with her drinking but you need to separate the two.
I understand you being annoyed with your sister about the drinking etc but I'm sorry to say YABU about her telling your mom about something you had already splashed across facebook. If it was that special you should have told your mom first.
I agree with pp's above.
You are clearly angry with your sister, her alcoholism, and the way it ruins for want of a better word, your family life.
I don't think you can be angry with her for sharing something you had already shared with so many. Thats not fair.
Her alcoholism is irrelevant to the question you are asking about.
There is nothing wrong with passing on news, unless you've been specifically asked to keep it confidential. As soon as you pass it on to one person, it ceases to be your exclusive property.
There is nothing wrong with being her mothers interface to the internet, if they're both happy with that.
She's done nothing wrong.
....and you are both putting your DM in a horrible position.....
Hmm, not sure. I also have an older alcoholic sister, who I'm now actually NC with after all the hurt she caused people, including my elderly mother. So I know where you're coming from on being upset and angry with her in general.
But I think that - as you've been instructed to act like nothing happened at Christmas and generally "forbidden" from acknowledging it - your anger at her is leaking out elsewhere.
The FB thing IMO isn't your sister's fault. If I have news to share that's important enough for me to care who knows it first, I tell close family before putting it on FB. After it's on FB it's "public", and anyone can tell anyone.
Seriously? I put it on Facebook because I wanted everyone who I know with a computer to see it. Then I rang my mum who doesn't have a computer! Yes Facebook is fair game, but I didn't expect DSis to ring DM and tell her something that I would obviously have wanted to tell her myself!
And she's been doing it for 10 YEARS (I expect that's an arbitrary figure she picked out of the air). She's been reading my texts to DM. Telling DM stuff that I've told Dsis on the phone. Once I rang DSis to tell her something, made a cuppa, then picked up the phone to ring DM and it was engaged because DSis had got in there first (sorry, drip feeding).
What about the 'DM has to pretend she doesn't already know' thing? Surely that means she KNOWS what she's doing is out of order?
I think you should have told your mum before posting on Facebook - once it's on there, you gave no control over who shares it.
However, I think in this case, it's perhaps more the fact that it has come on top of the issues surrounding your sister's alcoholism and her unwillingness to acknowledge the impact this has on herself and others rather than simply being cross about her sharing your news?
I feel for you and your family - it's good that you have been getting support from Alanon . Someone I know had an alcoholic father who refused to admit it was a problem and I know how much she and her family suffered so I can imagine it must be very difficult for you all.
I hope you continue to get support.
You have suppressed your anger about Christmas and it's bubbled up WRT the FB thing. You need, if you are going to continue to see your sister, to put anger where it belongs. Own it. If she angers you tell her upfront and immediately. Because otherwise this sort of thing will happen and you will end up losing other relationships because of it. Sorry
Unless you specifically ask her not to mention your news then yabu.
Also have to concur that anything on fb is fair game to be discussed. If it was that significant / important
and you share everything with DM then I don't get why it was on fb before you told your mum?
If you want your mum to know from you then tell her before you tell the internet. If your sister does this to be an arse then don't give her the chance.
You put it on facebook and are complaining that someone told someone else? Are you mad?
In this instance, YABtotally and utterly U.
OP are you expecting people to say "Gosh yes, your sister is a complete bitch to share publicly available information with her mother"?
You really need to focus on the drinking issue, on which YANBU, and not the non-issue of her talking to her own mother about things you've posted on facebook.
On this occasion YABU. If your sister had posted your news on Facebook then yes that would have out of order-it is your news to share...however you put it up on Facebook before telling your mother and are then annoyed that she knows from Facebook?
Take your sister out of the occasion, a neighbour, cousin etc could have shared the news with her because you put it out there on a public forum-if you wanted your mum to know first then you needed to tell your mum then post it on social media.
There is obviously other anger at your sister which is understandable but on this occasion it is misplaced -your sister hasn't done anything wrong -and is probably quite baffled at why you are so angry about it. You told acquaintances before your family -so you can't get annoyed that they have already heard.
Oh God. I'm misdirecting my anger aren't I? OK fair play. Maybe it's because she's done it for so long and this was the first time since Christmas. I think I have a lot of little niggles which used to be just that. But now I'm just generally angry with her most of the time, so anything minor is going to be TOTALLY blown out of proportion.
Thanks Mnet jury.
I'm sorry I agree your anger with her over the drinking is clouding the issue. If you wanted to tell your mum then tell her before you put it on facebook.
It's actually nice that you sister keeps your mum in the loop with all the stuff she misses out on.
On a separate note you DBiL is doing your sister no favours asking for it all to be brushed under the carpet.
I agree this peice of news is a vent hole, you are getting angry about something you feel you can because you can not get angry about something you really really want to.
Once it is on facebook it is public property. Nothing you can do.
I've never been so completely and utterly told I'm BU before. And insane to boot. I stand corrected.
Now I just need to deal with the anger issues. Thanks for all the really helpful and sympathetic stuff. It is such a complete and utter mess and we are all reeling
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