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AIBU to be paranoid about OH's persistent ex?

(101 Posts)
Psychoex Tue 10-Feb-15 14:25:29

Name change for this one, sorry but I post on here too often.

Currently expecting a baby with my partner, we have been together for 18 months. This is his first baby, not my first.

When we first got together, it very quickly became glaringly obvious that there was a persistent (psycho if I am allowed to use that word) ex of his.
She used to call him all hours, and send him messages.
He would show me the messages, none of them were sexual, all just stupid things like she had issues with her husband (she is now married with children) and that she needed someone to talk to blah blah.

At first I kind of let it slide, he had put her on loudspeaker a couple of times and it didn't bother me, he clearly had nothing to hide.

Roll on a couple of months in to the relationship and she started doing really nasty things. Taking pictures from my social media accounts, putting them on hers and slagging me off with nasty comments.
It soon became clear that she didn't want him as a friend, but instead wanted him back and was jealous.

My partner blocked her from his phone, social media.
She started calling him from another number, and he told her not to contact him again.

She still was friends with one of his friends, we all went out one night and one of those friends 'tagged' us in a place. She turned up.
She didn't say anything, but walked past several times.
Later on that night, the friend told me she had been writing lots of nasty stuff about me again on social media. I was pissed off, but wasn't rising to it.

A few weeks later, she tried to add me on Facebook, under another name (her company name) I declined the request.

She then text my partner on his birthday (at this point the IOS update hadn't included texts when blocking someone)
He ignored her and she text again, asking why he was ignoring her.
He ignored her again.

Roll on another few months, and we are pregnant.
I suspect she has got wind of this from somewhere, and on Saturday night at 1am we receive a constant ringing of the phone from a witheld number.
Partner whacks his phone and goes back to sleep.
I'm awake and I know who this is.

The next morning I said to him I am going to ask our friend to look up on Twitter to see if she was out (drunk) the night before.
Guess what? Selfies posted within 10 minutes of the call.

I am right to be paranoid about this?

I feel low enough as it is being pregnant and getting bigger, without the added annoyance of this woman in the background.

She isn't exactly stalking us, but she is trying to keep herself in his mindset.

He is adamant he cannot stand her. They never lived together, they were together for a year (back in the mid 2000's) and then she met her husband.
She slept with my partner whilst she was with her husband, and I suspect my partner being a single man back then, may have given her the impression they were going to be together (when he admits, that was never going to be the case)

She is in her late 30s, married as said, and lives about 3 miles from us.

We have never personally met and spoken.


ahbollocks Tue 10-Feb-15 14:30:51

Phone the police

Psychoex Tue 10-Feb-15 14:31:26

Really? I don't think it warrants that at this stage, she's never actually said anything directly to me.

MagratsHair Tue 10-Feb-15 14:32:55

I think ah means the non emergency number 101, not 999.

MagratsHair Tue 10-Feb-15 14:33:54

Sorry, posted too soon smile

Ignore ignore ignore

WhatWouldMaLarkinDo Tue 10-Feb-15 14:34:56

She sounds unhinged. I'd be logging this stuff and if any of your friends see things she's putting on social media about you ask them to take screenshots and save them for you in case you need them (maybe ask them not to send them straight on to you, you don't need the stress of seeing it all). Not sure if she's doing enough to warrant a call to the police, hopefully someone else can advise you on that.

FWIW it doesn't sound to me like your DP has anything to hide or is planning to do anything untoward.

Psychoex Tue 10-Feb-15 14:34:58

Oh sorry haha! I was thinking 999 is a bit drastic!

Endler32 Tue 10-Feb-15 14:36:04

I think your partner needs to do more to get rid of her, instead of blocker her on his phone he needs to change his number, I would be tempted to stop using social media for a month or so then she can make no contact, if he sees her when out he should ignore. I know it sounds like he is doing most of this. If it continues I would talk to the police, it is harassment, she needs to move on and get over it.

SoonToBeMrsB Tue 10-Feb-15 14:36:14

That really does sound like stalking, you need to get this logged!

Psychoex Tue 10-Feb-15 14:38:16


She tends to put stuff up, then delete it later, so it's a case of catching it when it's there (if that makes sense)

My partner said to me that a few years back with another ex, she actually did attack her in the street (pushed her or something, nothing too dramatic) although apparently the two of them already knew each other and were not on good terms anyway.

He had also split with another girlfriend who couldn't put up with the constant calls etc.

This time he really has done all he can in terms of no contact and blocking her.

I just find it so odd that she is still like this after years, it's odd behaviour.

My partner also messaged her husband to tell him to have a word (no response came back)

HellKitty Tue 10-Feb-15 14:38:26

Definitely get friends to screen grab her awful posts about you and not show you.

Psychoex Tue 10-Feb-15 14:40:12

See I never thought of this as stalking, more of her just being nasty and jealous?

I feel sorry for her kids really, her husband is friends with a mutual friend of mine (they don't know this) and he is actually a really nice guy apparently.

I am the longest term girlfriend my partner has had since splitting with her (A long fucking time ago!)

She really does need to get over it.

TheyLearnedFromBrian Tue 10-Feb-15 14:41:53

Get screen grabs, all the proof you can.

Then you have to reply - or rather your partner - telling her that if she contacts you again, you will report it as harassment. Mention that you have screen grabs of online abuse, etc.

Then if you get another peep, you go to the police.

Ignoring isn't helping if you're still stressed and she's still contacting.

Psychoex Tue 10-Feb-15 14:43:11

She's not actually contacting me though as I have blocked her now.

It was the 1am phone call that got me riled up again.

Arghh annoying woman.

ApprenticeViper Tue 10-Feb-15 14:43:51

I would be ringing 101 if I were you, just to get something on record about what she's up to and, if resources allow, get someone to go and have a chat with her. You and your DP are definitely doing the right thing in not engaging with her, and ignoring all her attempts at contact.

Hopefully she will have a word with herself and realise that she's being completely out of order, and she will stop. If not, however, and she does start to go a bit "Fatal Attraction", then you will have something on record about how her behaviour has escalated and you can go down the restraining order route. Oh, and definitely tighten up your social media privacy settings so she can't steal any more of your photos.

ApprenticeViper Tue 10-Feb-15 14:46:45

Ah, just seen that she has been doing this off and on for years! Why hasn't your DP done more to put a stop to it? He should definitely be going to the police and getting harrassment charges pressed against her!

Psychoex Tue 10-Feb-15 14:50:15

Because the stupid twat went and slept with her when he was single, so basically giving her the psycho green light to carry on.

Believe me, we have spoken at lengths about what a prick he is for doing that.

He said he was weak, she was persistent blah blah.

(Was well before my time I might add)

I think that's what makes me even more paranoid, what if I am pregnant / just had baby and he comes weak and there she is?

Yes defo getting paranoid now, I know he wouldn't do that to me.


fancyanotherfez Tue 10-Feb-15 14:54:58

definitely log everything the midnight phonecalls, everything.If she goes really psycho, you need to protect your family from her by going to the police with evidence. Now that you are having his first child, there is a chance it may push her over the edge. If it has been going on for so long, it sounds like more than jealousy. its obsession. At the very least, you have something to threaten her with.

Psychoex Tue 10-Feb-15 14:56:59

Oh gawd, I didn't even think of it like that.

She doesn't know where we live, but I guess it doesn't take a genius to look up the electoral register.

fancyanotherfez Tue 10-Feb-15 14:59:38

Ask your mutual friends for screenshots. Then your friends will knowhow serious you are about this. Maybe they will warn her off too. Your do was single when he slept with her. He isn't now. There is nothing you have said about him that indicates he wants to continue the relationship. I think both of you are minimising this. She is a stalker.

Psychoex Tue 10-Feb-15 15:00:47

I half wonder if he unblocked her how often she would call!

Yes I think you are right, I guess I just never looked at it like that before?

VitoCorleonePart2 Tue 10-Feb-15 15:03:08

She sounds like my DPs ex, who is just a silly, desperate cow.

We changed all numbers, blocked on social media etc it took a couple of years but i think we've finally got shot of her. I'm just waiting for her to turn up out of the blue, she obviously hasn't moved on with her life, its been 7 years (they where in a long term relationship though)

I was demented with it all to be honest. And i wish id logged it with the police as harassment

fancyanotherfez Tue 10-Feb-15 15:03:11

Sorry I just read that back and I don't mean to make you scared, but you just don't want the hassle with a new baby, even if she never comes near you. Its a difficult enough time with hormones etc without unnecessary aggro, and its better to be forearmed

Psychoex Tue 10-Feb-15 15:07:45

VitoCorleonePart2 That's exactly it, I see her as a sad desperate cow.
She thinks she is miss thing, she says nasty things about me (but not directly, more "my ex's girlfriend is a blah blah"

The whole thing with putting my pictures up was bang out of order, unfortunately she removed that before I could get screen shots sent to me.

That was right at the beginning of the relationship.

Before he blocked her, my partner told her in no uncertain terms he was not interested in her and she needs to fuck off. She was asking personal details about me.

Oh that was the other thing, she changed her Facebook to say she went to the same school as me (she defo did not!) and started adding my friends.

I have told my friends to delete her.

When not pregnant, it's annoying, but I am cope. When pregnant it makes me feel paranoid and upset. I can't tell you how badly I slept Saturday and Sunday knowing that call must have been her.

My partner is really embarrassed and apologetic, he's even said we could go and talk to her but I think any attention is attention to her.

fancyanotherfez Tue 10-Feb-15 15:17:32

Go back over this thread, write down all incidents, ask your friends if they would back you up then go to the police. Have it officially logged, even if you don't do anything about it after that.

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